past clings unless we can comfortably put it to bed, and that takes effort. When our attention is shifted from our past dysfunctional surroundings and placed on ourselves and our own journey, miracles seem to happen. It's not an unusual response by a family to seek relief from their own addictions. Others in our lives deserve the freedom to make their own journey while we make ours. Indeed, this is the freedom everyone must have if we are to become who we were born to be.
When I reflect on perseverance and the many gifts it bestows on us, I'm reminded of Harry. He was a drug addict from an early age. We can't really blame addiction on our family of origin, regardless of our desire to do so when we first get clean and sober, but Harry's family was extremely dysfunctional. Choosing to get high, rather than relate to them, seemed like a good choice.
Harry's older brother was mentally ill and institutionalized on many occasions. His parents raged at each other and the boys. Harry was not a good student, not for lack of a good mind but because he lacked direction and focus. As soon as he was introduced to heroin, he spent more time in a stupor than in class.
When I first met Harry we were both new in recovery. He was a charmer, like so many drug addicts are. But he was learning to leave the manipulation in the past. Manipulation is a default position for so many who have lived on the edge with alcoholism and drug addiction. (I didn't escape its allure either.) Once you find success by manipulating others, it's hard not to turn to it, again and again. Harry had been a master, but he didn't want to live in that arena anymore. He was intent on changing. And in time, he did.
Perseverance is oftentimes doing more than is expected.
But let me turn to Harry's perseverance. When we met, he was a server in a restaurant. It was a high-end establishment, and his charm worked wonders. It earned him big tips and the attention of the owner, who soon made him the supervisor of all the servers. He loved the attention and the opportunity this presented. He took the job seriously and began to see where changes could be made in how the restaurant functioned. Before long, he moved into management and became the right-hand person to the owners. His perseverance paid off in spades. They looked to him as a problem solver and a visionary, and he loved the attention he earned and the monetary rewards too.
Working for others in the restaurant business lost its luster after a few years, so Harry formed a partnership with a friend, one he thought he knew well, and they opened their own establishment. No matter how hard Harry worked, he couldn't make the business pay off. What he didn't realize until well into the second year was that his partner was skimming from the profits. Harry's side of the business was to manage the staff and the kitchen. His partner, a man who had business acumen, was in charge of the expenses and the revenues. The balance sheet simply didn't add up.
By the time Harry fully realized the extent of the problem, the creditors and the IRS were knocking on their door. Many people would have filed bankruptcy and walked away. Harry had far too much pride and honesty to do that. They got themselves into the mess, so they needed to do the honorable thing and manage to find the money to pay off their debts. After closing the doors, Harry's partner disappeared, but Harry began the long journey back to solvency. He could have made excuses, blamed his former partner, and hung his head in shame. Instead, he got another job and began paying the IRS and the other creditors what they were owed. He persevered. One foot in front of the other, year in and year out, until the books were balanced. This was his goal, and eventually he made good on every last penny owed.
In the process, he realized he needed another profession that paid more, and he went back to school. That was a wise decision. He learned the finer points of computer science, including web design, and started his own business. He successfully manages that company today. What he doesn't know, he figures out; nothing is too daunting for his inquisitive mind. Nothing is so overwhelming that one who perseveres can't rise above it. Harry is a great case in point, as are Carl, Charlie, and me, too.
Perseverance is learning to rely on the successful examples of others. These individuals are not on one's path accidentally.
When people like us are confronted with what looks like the impossible, we turn to the resources we have mastered. For some it's prayer and meditation. For others it's seeking the guidance of friends, counselors, and mentors—even going to the Internet for clues. The important point here is that perseverance is a tool and a gift to be appreciated when one sees the effectiveness of its application. Never giving up is the underlying key, always.
Before moving on, let's reiterate some of the key points regarding perseverance. If you need encouragement to persevere, perhaps these few reminders will give you the boost you need:
Those who are successful simply decide, again and again, that they will not give up or give in. Determination is what they have.
They rely on the successful examples of others in their lives—individuals who are there for a reason. Lest we forget, no one is on our path accidentally!
They discover that our teachers are always present to help us see what our next step should be.
In most instances perseverance means simply to apply ourselves to a task, over and over again, until we feel satisfied with the results. We won't be perfect in our efforts the first time, or even the last. Perfection isn't our goal. Perseverance is, and it's attainable.
It's ongoing. Not a single act.
Perseverance is oftentimes doing more than what's expected.
It requires full attention for the long haul, but the payoff begins immediately.
And finally, it's being steadfast, not letting failure deter you from staying committed to the goal.
Further Reflection
Take some time to share in a journal or with a friend some of your experiences with this trait. If you have too few successes with it so far, can you see where you might have made good use of it? Can you take a few moments, now, to “re-vision” the situation, living it more successfully? This will help to create the habit of living this way more often.
Both resilience and perseverance can feel like a heavy load, a long trek over rocky terrain. But neither can be accomplished effectively without what we're going to explore in the next chapter: a sense of humor. Having a sense of humor lightens anyone's load. And those of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes have realized, as perhaps few others do, the value of being able to laugh at our past and our exaggerated reactions to it. Let's turn to those examples now.
3
Relishing a Sense of Humor
A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to the tightrope you walk throughout your life.
William Arthur Ward
Every person I interviewed for this book had been forced to walk a tightrope in their family of origin. Remarkably, each and every one of them displayed a good sense of humor. Because they successfully survived families marked by extreme dysfunction—families that appeared unconsciously intent on destroying the lives of every family member—these individuals clung to the life raft of humor, finding ways to laugh when the slightest opportunity presented itself. It takes a special willingness to shift one's perception, to see whatever is before you in a new light. A sense of humor is often the key as “survivors” learn to not only make the best of a situation but to turn it into an advantage. Being able to smile at how stuck
