He was great at taking something and making it better, he said. He kept busy in this way, which saved him from much heartache in a family that paid him little attention.
He also had discovered at an early age that he could so easily, so naturally make others laugh. He relied on that skill as a way to “get over” with the girls when he was young. He did this with his family too. For one of his memorable pranks, on the occasion of a sibling's birthday, he fell flat on a boxed birthday cake he was carrying up the basement stairs into the kitchen. Unbeknownst to everyone, Charlie had removed the cake before tripping on the top step and falling on the box, and he got a huge round of laughter and applause. It's a memory others in the family still recall.
So many I interviewed developed the skill of creating laughter in the midst of situations that were more likely to be marred by alcoholic outbursts than by joyful ones. Pranks and joke telling were diversionary tools that many tried to master. It kept the attention away from whoever might prefer to cause trouble as the result of drinking too much. And there were always those who drank too much. My interviewees often drank too much themselves, but when given the opportunity, getting others to laugh often took precedence.
So far we have talked about resilience, perseverance, and now a sense of humor as specific examples of “the good stuff” that can be cultivated by those who have been raised in dysfunctional families. I'm inclined to say that the offspring of dysfunctional homes may be the luckiest of all the members of the human community. They have highly developed abilities to survive and even thrive in whatever situation plucks them from the crowd.
Carl, so maligned by his critical father, comes to mind once again. He had the heartiest laugh, perhaps most of all the people I interviewed. And no other person I was able to talk with had more criticism heaped on him while growing up. He was humiliated for decades but had risen above it and displayed not only a superior sense of humor but also a softness that comforted anyone who was drawn to him. He embodied love even though very little love was openly bestowed on him as a youngster or even young adult.
While it is often said that we can only give to others what we have received ourselves, we don't necessarily get “the good stuff” from our family of origin. Wherever we discover it, we can make use of it. And I find it interesting, too, that we are capable of transforming the negative into the positive by sheer determination. My interviewees demonstrated this capability tenfold.
Before moving into the next section, let's close this chapter, like the previous ones, with a simple overview:
A sense of humor can be cultivated.
We always have a choice regarding how we will see any situation, whether it's from our past or this moment.
We can't entertain more than one thought at a time; let the thought you choose create an inner chuckle or a good belly laugh whenever possible.
Make the decision to spend time every day with people who make you laugh. It's good for your soul.
Make a point of seeing a comedy, occasionally. Norman Cousins gave us a powerful message in this regard in Anatomy of an Illness.
Make a humor list, similar to a gratitude list, at the end of every day for a week or two. Keep track of all the experiences that made you laugh out loud or even smile. The more we remember these episodes, the more we will help to create them for others too. Read the list whenever you are feeling out of sorts.
Make a point of meditating daily, even for five minutes, about a humorous experience that recently happened. Observe how it changes your demeanor.
Our willingness to laugh is the first necessary step. We all know sour pusses. We don't ever have to be one.
Every day is a new day. Make the decision to laugh often. It will change your life.
Cherish the humor in cartoons—those we receive in emails and those we come across in magazines like The New Yorker. They can change the tenor of the day, instantly.
Further Reflection
Take a few minutes to review some of the times, recently, when you let laughter change how you felt in a particular situation. Also, think of a time when you could have responded with some humor but opted to stay stuck in a sour mood. If you could change that experience, how would it look?
In the first three chapters, we have covered three significant characteristics that are keys to successfully overcoming the dark past that hounded so many of us. But there is more. Let's turn next to forgiveness and the profound power it wields in our lives.
4
Forgiving the Past and Growing Into the Present
There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.
Bryant H. McGill
What is the miracle of forgiveness? How does it measure up as a miracle? First let me say that forgiving is perhaps the most important action we will ever take within the many relationships we cherish. Forgiveness can free us from the past: by letting someone off the hook for a bona fide putdown or other action that felt demeaning, or even a suspected action that we are obsessing over, or in many other ways. For instance, willingness to forgive a betrayal can seem unfathomable when first considered, but the release it offers us as soon as we have forgiven the perpetrator is palpable. The importance of forgiveness, of any action by another—lying, stealing, even the horror of sexual abuse—simply can't be overestimated. Until we let go of the very real or imagined transgressions of others, we will know no peace. None whatsoever!
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