a manageable timeline. However, success may require a willingness to adjust that timeline if necessary. My friend Jackson began taking one flight of stairs up to his office the first week. During the second week of his program, Jackson graduated to two flights each day, but the third week he caught a cold and was too tired to take the stairs, so he had a temporary setback. Once he recovered, he was able to get back to two flights each day without much effort and was encouraged by the endurance he had built up in a relatively short period of time.
Personality change is challenging for many people, and it is not surprising that lapses and relapses sometimes occur. A lapse is a single slip back to an old behavior, while a relapse is a more significant backslide. Knowing that lapses are common during the acting phase and reframing them as temporary setbacks can help people avoid feeling out of control. If they allow themselves to bounce back to their new behaviors swiftly, they can avoid letting a minor lapse evolve into a relapse.
Some people find they can gain a greater sense of mastery over their new behavior when they intentionally plan a minilapse—perhaps a day off from their exercise routine or a cheat meal from their diet. They learn that they can return to their new behaviors quickly following a slip and gain confidence that they will be able to bounce back from any future unplanned setbacks. Therapists, supportive friends, wellness coaches, and others can serve as informal cheerleaders to help people stay the course during the acting phase.
Shirley’s behavior therapist taught her ways to better manage her anxiety and its accompanying symptoms. She started using a guided meditation app on her smartphone that she began using every morning as well as throughout the day when she needed to calm her worries. One morning she couldn’t find her wallet and was late for work, and it threw her into a panic. For the next few days, her meditation app didn’t seem to help. Luckily she had the good sense to call her therapist, who was able to reassure her that her lapse was temporary and she could recover quickly. That brief phone call was enough to get her back on track and make her feel greater control over her anxiety once again.
Sustaining
Once our new, improved behaviors and thinking patterns transition into new habits, we move into the sustaining phase. Most of us feel a sense of relief when we make it to this phase, and many begin aiming for new and perhaps loftier goals—this time with the confidence that comes with having achieved their original objectives. Keep in mind, however, that lapses can still occur, so we need to learn strategies for minimizing and rebounding from a slip. Soon enough, our new habits will lead to permanent change and the possibility of a lapse diminishes.
Reminding ourselves of the values and motivations that first led us to change will help us stay the course and avoid setbacks. Remaining close to others who share our ideals and support our new desired behaviors is important for a successful and sustained personality change.
Jackson made it to the sustaining phase—he was able to lose 30 pounds with his diet and exercise program, but he wanted to do more. After six months on his program, he finally agreed to join me at the gym and meet my trainer. Jackson began strength training on the weekends, and with the trainer’s encouragement, he increased his cardiovascular workouts as well. Jackson understood that his new diet and active lifestyle would protect his health over the years, and although he no longer was a go-to choice to play Santa Claus, he remained his jolly old self.
Change Strategies That Work
No matter what phase you have reached in your quest for change, you will discover that some strategies are more effective for you than others. By experimenting with different approaches, you will find the ones that work best for you. If you encounter an unforeseen snag with one approach, you may wish to abandon it for a different method. Mental flexibility is key for discovering what motivates you and overcoming the barriers that may be holding you back.
One principle that drives many of our decisions about behavior change is known as operant conditioning. This is a form of learning that occurs when a consequence of a behavior reinforces that behavior. For example, we know that Emma from chapter 1 is a naturally shy individual, and her reclusiveness leads to feelings of loneliness. If she were to become more outgoing, she could create new friendships that would mitigate her sense of isolation. The pleasurable feelings she would experience when she gets out and spends time with new people would be the positive consequence that reinforces her new, outgoing behavior. Of course, a barrier to achieving the popularity she desires may be the initial anxiety she experiences while trying to be more extroverted. If she were to focus on ways to cope better with her anxiety, Emma would have a better chance of minimizing it and overcoming the barrier it poses to her changing.
Effective Strategies for Change
• Detail your reasons for changing. Knowing the benefits of new behaviors will keep you motivated. Gathering information and talking with experts can provide a strong rationale and will help you stick with your new behaviors. The more clearly you detail and define your goals, the smoother you will move through the phases and achieve them.
• Identify your barriers. Whether it’s old bad habits, current unhealthy relationships, or any other forces holding you back, making an inventory of your barriers to change will help you identify and overcome them.
• Process your feelings. Anxiety, guilt, and other uncomfortable emotions often reinforce old behaviors and create barriers to change unless they are thought through and understood. Self-reflection, candid chats with people you trust, or psychotherapy can be effective in elucidating such emotions.
• Strengthen your support system. The scientific evidence is compelling that strong social support is key to successful behavior change. Spending time with like-minded individuals who share your goals and who can cheer you on will increase your likelihood of success.
• Shoot for reasonable goals. People often set the bar way too high for success. Achieving a series of smaller goals rather than trying to do everything at once is more likely to lead you to success.
• Prepare for lapses. Remind yourself that a lapse here or there is common. Anticipate and try not to embrace them as failures. Instead, reframe them as temporary setbacks so you can quickly regain a sense of control.
• Readjust your approach when necessary. Despite your best efforts, you may find that you keep lapsing back to your old ways. That’s when it’s time to step back, review your goals and motivations, and possibly try an alternative strategy.
As you read ahead, you will get a better idea of your baseline personality, future goals, and how to achieve them. Making a commitment to taking action, defining your end point, and sticking to your program is the formula that has helped many of my patients achieve their goals and become who they wish to be.
Assess Yourself and Define Your Goals
Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.
—Lewis Carroll
THE SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE INDICATES that our personalities have an impact on almost every aspect of our lives, including our physical health, mental well-being, social relationships, educational achievement, financial stability, and even life expectancy. Most of us seek personality change as a means to an end—we want to change one or more aspects of our personality in order to achieve a certain goal and improve our lives.
