said Skitso Skitso Skitso.
But that wasnt the end because my eyes were heavy even though my brain was moving fast and I went back to sleep but bad sleep and I had nightmares but I dont know what about and when I woke up I was standing on the wooden floor and the window was smashed and there was blood on my hands and I was screaming something and the light was on and the next thing Mr Rosen was holding my shoulders and saying Its all right Philip its all right calm down and I looked round at the faces and all their eyes were scared even Dominic and all the eyes added up and added up inside me and made my legs weak and I fell onto the floor and there was blackness again.
The Disco
The next day Mrs Fell asked me if I wanted to go home. She said she had phoned Mum and Mum was worried but she was leaving it up to Mrs Fell and me.
I said Did Mum want me to come home?
Mrs Fell said with her feather voice and pretty eyes She said if you want to go home you can.
And I wondered if that meant Mum did want me to go home or not.
Mrs Fell said You wont have to sleep in the stables tonight. You can sleep in the other building with Mr Rosen.
And I thought about this and I thought about what would happen if I went home and then went back to school. And I thought about the Roman legionary soldiers going for 25 years without going home and I looked at my hand with the plasters on and the two brown circles of blood like eyes and I thought of Dads Ghost telling me to act normal.
I said to Mrs Fell I will stay.
Mrs Fell smiled at me and touched my shoulder which I liked and she said Well done.
And then she walked away towards the mini bus and her curly hair was blowing sideways.
When I went to join the other boys no one spoke to me apart from Dominic and he kept on calling me Skitso and asking me Where is Kelham?
On one of the mini buses I sat on the front seat next to Mr Rosen who is the Deputy Head and who teaches Geography and Games.
Mr Rosen is a nice Teacher with hairy hands and a good watch but he is strict. He sometimes shouts and gets a big neck like the Incredible Hulk but his neck goes red and a bit blue but not green and when he shouts little bits of spit jump out of his mouth like they are scared of his voice.
But he was being very nice to me and saying There is no shame in walking in your sleep Philip.
He told me about when he was my age and he walked in his sleep into his sisters bedroom and picked up a book and waited by her bed. He said I was dreaming I was in a library.
I laughed but I knew really it wasnt as bad as smashing a window and I think he knew as well.
And then Mr Rosen went quiet and I looked out of the window and there were drops of rain on the glass like little worlds and outside there was grass and rocks and sheep and it was all hills and I wondered if Dads Ghost was here he would be able to see all the ghosts of murdered Romans. And I wondered if Emperor Hadrian was murdered and if he ever comes back to see what is left of the wall and if he gets sad when he sees just lumps of stone in the ground with grass growing over them and a few people walking with maps and looking at them and wanting to go home.
We went to a place with other Roman buildings and they were built in 130 AD which was eight years after when they started building Hadrians Wall which was 122 AD.
We had plans of the buildings and there were kitchens and toilets and bedrooms but you couldnt tell that from the stones in the ground only from the plans. And Mrs Fell and Mr Rosen were talking all about it but I wasnt really listening I was feeling weird like my body was just air and nothing was real and my heart wasnt beating like normal. It wasnt going beatbeat beatbeat beatbeat it was going beat beatbeat beat beatbeatbeat for a little bit which made me think I was going to die but then it stopped doing it so I didnt tell anyone.
At the meal there was black beefburgers which were thin and chewy like shoes and more mashed potato from the big POT.
And then there was a disco which was really just Mrs Fells CD player she had brought from home. She played some music and it was Beyonce and all the girls danced but none of the boys danced except where there was rapping. And Mr Rosen danced like Dad used to which was like a bird which couldnt fly but Mrs Fell could dance well and she was wearing Make Up and green round her eyes which sounds weird but it was nice. I must have been looking a long time because she saw me looking and she waved her arms for me to come and dance and she was dancing with Charlotte Ward and a circle of girls and Mr Rosen so I didnt want to come. But Mrs Fell never stops so she came over and took my hand and pulled me up to dance and Jordan was giggling at me and the giggle spread out like fire to Dominic and even Siraj who used to be my friend before Dad died.
Mrs Fell said Come on Philip. Come and dance.
I said I I I
Mrs Fell said Come on.
And then all the boys were laughing but Mrs Fell couldnt hear and she took me to the circle of girls dancing and my heart started going funny again. I danced but I didnt want to because it was a girl song about boys and all the boys were staring at me and nudging and my face was burning HOT.
Mrs Fell was only being nice because she thought I was on my own but sometimes being nice is as bad as being horrible. And so I danced without moving very much just my arms a little bit and it was bad and I just kept seeing the faces of everyone and Mr Rosen was flapping his wings and smiling at me and I wished he was cross with me and didnt give me special treatment.
Mr Rosen said All right Philip?
I said Yes.
And after 100 minutes the song ended and I sat down near the boys but not with them. A song came on which I used to like before Dad died and it sounded horrible and stupid now like robots. And when it was on Dominic and Jamie Western and Jordan did a press up competition and Dominic won.
I looked at Mrs Fell and I think I had upset her because she was dancing the same but not smiling now and I felt bad for upsetting her.
After the Disco
After the disco it was bedtime and I went out and ran in the rain to the stables with Mr Rosen. Mr Rosen got my bag which was very HEAVY and we ran to the building where I was sleeping.
I was sleeping in the same room as Mr Rosen and Mrs Fell was in the next room. I heard her feet on the floor and I heard her take her clothes off. As soon as I was in bed I pretended to be asleep so I didnt have to talk to Mr Rosen but when he was getting ready I opened my eyes very very thin and I saw Mr Rosens back and it was hairy like Wolverine and I wondered if I was ever going to have a hairy back like that and I hoped so.
Mr Rosen put his clothes on a chair and he was very quiet trying not to wake me up even though I was not asleep and I thought he was nice for that and I watched him get into his bed and I thought Teachers are just normal people really.
And he went to sleep very quickly and he snored but not like a normal snore. It was like a door when it creaks open and I just listened to him go quiet creak quiet creak and I tried not to think bad things but it was very dark. It was so dark the blackness felt bright like when it is so quiet the quietness feels loud but it wasnt quiet because of the rain and the wind and Mr Rosen.
