style="font-size:15px;"> Both Lela and Hank had developed expectations about how their marriage should be, based primarily on their unfulfilled childhood needs. They got married thinking the other would automatically provide what they wanted; indeed, they insisted and demanded that the other provide it. They blamed each other and demanded that the other change. In fact, neither one was comfortable with closeness, and daughter Jani was the same way.
Too much togetherness can be as threatening in a relationship as too much separateness. It is not uncommon for couples to fight after they have had a particularly good and intense lovemaking experience or some other kind of intimate closeness. This happens because they fear that by becoming too close they will lose their own identity or become too vulnerable. Many people have the misconception that to be close means having to give up their individuality. That can be just as scary as having too much distance in a relationship. The challenge is to learn how to be close, open, and accepting, and still be a unique and separate individual. It can be done, as you will see.
4
You’re Not Better, Just Different — Dealing With Differences
Whom we are related to in the complex web of family ties over all the generations is unalterable by us. Obviously, family members frequently act as if this were not so — they cut each other off because of conflicts or because they claim to have “nothing in common.” But when family members act as though family relationships were optional, they do so to the detriment of their own sense of identity, and of the richness of their emotional and social context.
— Elizabeth A. Carter and Monica McGoldrick, The Family Life Cycle
1. I Say Tomato, You Say Tomahto — Anxiety About Differences
Most people get married thinking their spouse is like them and they both want the same things in life. It doesn’t take long to discover this is not the case. Most of us are lucky if we make it through the honeymoon without a major clash over differences: what time to get up in the morning, where to eat dinner, how to squeeze the toothpaste tube. This is just the beginning of potentially serious conflicts in the relationship. Both partners begin to wonder if they made the right choice; maybe they made a mistake and married Dr. Jekyll. Certainly this person isn’t what he or she first appeared to be. It looks as if the two of them are not going to have the blissful togetherness they expected.
No two people can have an intense, intimate relationship without discovering significant differences between them. This is normal. It’s how we deal with those differences that creates problems. Most of us see these differences as a threat to our ideal of a good relationship: continual harmony between two people who want the same things at the same time.
When differences emerge, most of us try to make our partners more like us. After all, what is an intimate relationship for but to have a like-minded companion walking side by side with us down the road of life? When we find out that it’s not going to be like that, we become anxious. The normal pattern then is to think the cause of our anxiety is the behavior of the other person. Jose says to himself, “The reason I am unhappy is because of her. If she were different and acting the way I want her to, then I wouldn’t feel bad. It’s her fault.”
“Why can’t a woman be more like a man,” Professor Higgins cried. And we echo him: “Why can’t you be more like me?” Of course, we are usually too sophisticated to admit this is what we want, so we hide our intentions behind our thoughts. We think our spouses, children, bosses, or whoever “ought” to be a certain way. Often we say, “You should” or “You ought to,” but what we really mean is “I want you to.” For example, when Betta says to Stefan, “You should talk to me more,” she is disguising her anxiety about their differences. What is really at stake is that she likes conversation and Stefan doesn’t. If she were not anxious about the difference, Betta could say, “I would like you to talk with me.” That would be an honest expression of what she wants. Or Stefan might say to Betta, “I’d like some time to be quiet,” rather than, “You talk too much.”
These dynamics are not restricted to marriage of course. They are present in every relationship where there are differences (which is just about every relationship) and at least one of the people grows anxious about the differences. Parents and children, friends, coworkers, ethnic groups (where differences can be more visible), labor/management, liberals/conservatives, and nations all have to live with differences.
QUESTIONS
1. What were some of the major differences in your family of origin? How did people in the family handle these differences? Did some people handle particular differences better than others?
2. What are some of the major differences between you and your partner? How do you handle differences? In what ways are you trying to get your partner to change? In what ways is your partner trying to get you to change? How do you react?
2. Do It My Way Or Else — The Demand For Sameness
As mentioned, when one person in a relationship is anxious about differences, he or she usually tries to get the other person to change. Betta tries to get Stefan to be a talker like she is and Stefan tries to get Betta to be a loner like he is. The pressure is on for more sameness. However, it’s not easy to change someone else, as those who have been trying for 50 years will testify. Usually, those being asked (ordered) to change respond in one of four basic ways. They will —
(a) comply,
(b) rebel,
(c) attack, or
(d) cut off.
These four ways of reacting are discussed in detail below. You may recognize some or possibly all of these tactics as having been used in your family. You may even recognize some you have used yourself. Most of us use them all at one time or another depending on the circumstances, but we usually have a favorite.
Whether you are the changer or the changee, it is important to realize that these strategies are common ways of reacting when there is a demand for change. They do not happen in isolation. No one person is the good guy or the bad guy; we are all simply attempting to cope with our anxiety about differences and the threats to our need for closeness or distance in the family. In this discussion about these strategies, the focus tends to be on spouses, but the same things happen in other relationships, intimate or casual.
2.1 “I only want what you want, dear” — The compliant ones
The compliant ones react to a demand for sameness by pretending there really are no differences. This is seen most commonly in marriages where the couple presents a united front to the world; even their own kids don’t know what they really feel. They avoid conflict because it emphasizes differences; togetherness is their ideal. These people may be more or less aware of their needs for separateness and difference but they think these needs are wrong and destructive to the relationship, so they ignore them. These couples appear to have a good marriage because they never fight. However, they often find other ways to assert themselves. The bedtime headache-to-avoid-sex cliché‚ is just one example of the power of a compliant wife. She is able to deny to herself and to him that there is any conflict between them, while maintaining her separateness by claiming to be, or being, ill.
Example
Amanda
