Polly, to a therapist saying she had become “sexually promiscuous.” They denied having any problem in their marriage and said they were very happy with each other. When asked how they talk with Polly about sex and sexual feelings, they said they didn’t talk with her except to give prohibitions. When asked how they talk with each other about sex, they admitted that they didn’t, and that in fact they hadn’t had any sexual contact for a long time. Amanda said that she had never enjoyed sex. Abe said he had gotten this message from her and refrained from pursuing her sexually or even talking about it. He complied with her wish, and the anxiety about sex in the relationship was displaced onto the daughter whose symptoms pointed to where the problem was in the marriage.
Whatever form it takes, the basic need for compliant ones is “peace at any price.” They fear conflict and, especially, the separateness that this conflict would seem to indicate. It may appear that just one of the partners avoids conflict, but actually both have trouble with it and together, covertly and unconsciously, they use this approach to cope with their anxiety. Both fail to fully explore the other’s beliefs, principles, thoughts, and feelings about an issue. Instead, they deny the differences and never really get to know themselves or each other very well. They remain unaware of the advantages their differences may bring to problem solving.
Remember, the compliant one is not necessarily without power. There is a great deal of power in being the apparently powerless underdog, in being the one who sacrifices self for others and says, “Don’t bother about me, you go ahead and do what you want.”
The underdogs have a talent for being able to create guilt in others, and they usually know how to use it well. There is usually some kind of “trade-off” for the underdog. Unconsciously the underdog thinks: “Okay, I’ll give in and go along on this and this and this, but you sure better come across later on that.” If you don’t come across, the underdog may risk the conflict by crying, “I did this and this and this for you and you won’t even do that for me!” Even if it doesn’t work this time, the underdog has added to your burden of guilt for next time.
One of the ways compliant ones deal with the lack of intimacy is to become very involved in something outside the marriage relationship. It could be in church or community activities, in an aging parent, in a hobby, or in a job. Many compliant mothers become overly involved with their children, which is usually damaging to both mother and child. Many children whose parents operate in a compliant manner with each other have difficulty later taking responsibility for themselves because the over-invested parent did everything for them. By being so involved with the children, the parents are able to avoid looking at and dealing with their own differences and needs for closeness or distance.
Compliant people are often the ones who become physically or emotionally ill. Their struggle to cope with differences might manifest itself in frequent headaches or back problems, a mild depression, alcoholism, an inability to hold a job, cancer, heart problems, or severe emotional disturbances that require institutionalization.
Example
Roberto had been an alcoholic for eight years. In his sober state, he couldn’t stand up for himself in his marriage. He was compliant with his wife the way he had been with his authoritarian mother. However, all that changed when he was drunk. Then he was full of rage and said things to his family that, everyone agreed, he wouldn’t say and couldn’t really mean when sober. As he learned to speak up for himself in the relationship and be more assertive, his drinking decreased dramatically.
QUESTIONS
1. Who used compliance in your family of origin? In what covert ways was the compliant one powerful? What were some of the trade-offs?
2. Are there ways today that you choose to be compliant rather than openly acknowledge the differences between you and someone else?
Of course, as you have probably guessed by now, the compliant person is not only taking care of his or her anxiety by being sick. The other person has the same level of anxiety; by being sick and providing a focus for all that anxiety, the compliant one helps keep things in balance. If the sick one gets well, the couple will work out some other way to avoid facing their differences.
2.2 “I did it my way” — The rebels
Rebels look as though they want distance and independence, but because real independence is too scary, they stay close and act rebellious. When A says do this, B does that, even if doing this would have been better.
The rebel never learns how to be secure about being different. The rebel is so involved in rebelling, in not doing and not being the way others want, that the rebel never decides what he or she does want. The rebel who is busy fighting against other people’s goals isn’t able to set his or her own goals. For the rebel, independence means doing the opposite of what others want. However, by doing this, the rebel is still being controlled by someone else. The other person is still calling the tune; the rebel just plays the flip side.
Of course, to be a successful rebel, you need someone to rebel against. Most rebels can easily find people who are quite willing to play the heavy and tell the rebel what to do. And that person, the authority, is always right: “Do that and you’ll — be sorry; get hurt; not pass; be fired; have an accident.” When the prophesied doom happens, the authority can say, “I told you so. You should listen to me (be like me).” But then that person jumps in and picks up the pieces, and takes on the responsibility of whatever disaster befell the rebel. So the rebel seldom has to bear the consequences of his or her actions. Someone is always around to bail him or her out.
Often, rebels are the second child of the same sex in a family: a second boy or second girl. In their family, they spent a lot of time defining themselves as different from the older child and fighting for acceptance in their own right. Usually, their sibling was more “approved of” in the family. A younger same sex sibling will often marry someone who is an oldest sibling and proceed to rebel against this authority. The oldest, who was in charge of younger siblings, will gladly try to assert authority over the spouse.
Some relationships can go on for quite a while with one person being the authority and always getting to be right and one person being the rebel and never having to be responsible.
Example
Su-lin, a second sister, married Nickolas, an oldest brother. In many ways they were quite compatible because of her dependency and his willingness to be in charge. But Su-lin didn’t like the idea of being dependent. She became something of a feminist and talked about how men hold women back. Yet she never really took any steps to be more self-directing. Though she complained about Nickolas making decisions for her, she kept going along with them. Then he died of a heart attack, and she didn’t know what to do with her life. Nickolas had just been a convenient cover for her fear of being a separate, self-sufficient person. Her rebellion was superficial.
QUESTIONS
1. Who was rebellious in your family of origin? How were others affected?
2. What about in your life today? Are you either the authority or a rebel against an authority? What would you be doing with your life if you weren’t engaged in this struggle?
2.3 “I’m the king of the mountain” — The attackers
Attackers deal with their anxiety about differences by blaming others for their anxiety as well as for everything else. They know what they want, and are very upset when they don’t get it. They think the other is the cause of their frustration and they are not
