1.3 Wills and dying
Most of us are not comfortable talking about dying, at least not about the deaths of our loved ones or ourselves. Almost nobody is comfortable asking their parents whether the parents have made wills. It is even harder to talk about wills if the parent is ill or hospitalized. Bringing up financial or legal questions when a person is dying or extremely ill may make you look cold or unfeeling to others who are distressed by the person’s illness. You are not alone in finding that this is an extremely sensitive topic.
Yet, as sensitive as the topic may be, everyone is better off if it is brought up and dealt with properly.
One of the first major decisions that will be made by your parent when making a will is the choice of executor. This term refers to the person or people who will be in charge of your parent’s estate when your parent dies. The executor’s job includes everything from making funeral arrangements and paying bills to settling claims and paying out the estate to the beneficiaries.
It is common for a married couple to appoint each other as executors, but do not assume that is the case for your parents without asking. Even if they do appoint each other as their first choice, one of them is probably going to outlive the other except in very unusual circumstances. Therefore, it is also necessary for them to appoint an alternate choice of executor to take over in case the other spouse is already gone.
Should one of your parents die, the surviving parent is not always a good choice of executor and the family members should be realistic as to the capabilities and wishes of each parent.
The surviving person might not be a good choice for the job of executor if —
• he or she is beginning to show signs of mental incapacity, memory loss, or confusion;
• he or she is not the one who looked after the family’s finances and has no familiarity with financial matters;
• he or she is overwhelmed, or likely to be overwhelmed, by emotions at the loss of his or her spouse;
• the parent who died owned a business that the other parent was not involved in;
• the surviving parent was the second (or subsequent) spouse of the parent who died, and the estate is going to involve the first spouse in some way; and
• he or she simply does not want to do it.
During the estate-planning process your parent can ask his or her lawyer for ideas about who should be the executor. There are plenty of possibilities, such as having one of the children act jointly along with the surviving parent or instead of the parent. Another choice is using a trust company, which is particularly suitable if there are likely to be family squabbles or disputes that will require a neutral third party as executor, or where none of the family members live close to the parents.
Whoever is chosen as executor should be aware that he or she has been appointed. If your parents want to appoint you or one of your siblings, they should let you know before they sign their wills. This is something that can be talked about at a family meeting.
A wills discussion will also cover the distribution of the estate, which refers to who will inherit the parents’ assets after they pass away. This is, of course, where most of the disputes arise with estates, and it is an area in which many parents take great care to craft an arrangement that is fair to everyone, in their view.
In some families the distribution can be as simple as dividing whatever money is left equally among the children, but it is not always that easy. One of the most important elements of the distribution of an estate is that of special situations that need more attention than most. These situations might include a family member who is disabled and must have his or her inheritance placed in a trust, a business that is being passed down to the next generation in the family, or a blended family that must balance the needs of a new spouse against those of the children from a previous marriage.
2. Are You the Right Person to Bring up the Troublesome Topics?
An issue that a number of people wrestle with is whether they should be giving their parents any planning advice or asking them about personal documents. Are they sticking their noses into private matters if they decide to speak up? Are they the best person to bring up the subject with the parents? If so, where do suggestion and encouragement end and where do interference and influence begin? If not them, who else is going to bring it up and see that essential documents are done? Nobody wants to be accused by siblings or other family members of trying to force a parent’s hand.
What if there is a family business and nobody has been named as the person who will take over if your parent becomes ill or mentally incapable of running the business? What if your parents own a cottage that is used by all family members and it is not clear who should be able to continue using it after your parents’ death and who should pay for its upkeep? What if you have a sibling who is handicapped and your parents have not made any special financial arrangements for that person? You may see that all of these topics need to be addressed but you may have no way of knowing whether adequate planning has been completed unless you ask your parents.
You may feel some responsibility toward your siblings to make sure that things are in order, not to mention toward your parents whose retirement and golden years may be directly affected by lack of planning. You may also feel that your parents’ legal affairs will affect yours in the future if your parents do not put their affairs in order. If you, a child of the individuals directly involved, do not have the status as someone who is allowed to bring up a constructive discussion with your parents about their estates, then who does? If you do not bring it up, who will?
One of the factors that causes individuals to hesitate to bring up estate planning or incapacity planning is that they find it hard to accept that they now have to look after the person or people who always used to look after them. Sometimes it takes a very long time for this idea to dawn on a person who really does not want to reverse roles and become the caretaker.
We are not used to parenting our parents, but sometimes that is exactly what is required. You should do everything you can to ensure that your discomfort or disorientation with this issue does not prevent you from raising a topic that you think is important. You may be a “child” in the sense that you are the offspring of a certain person and therefore his or her child, but you are an adult.
Your parents might already have seen you change from a single person to a married person, or from a child to a parent of your own children. They have seen you mature from a schoolboy or schoolgirl into a person with a job and responsibilities. They might have seen all of these stages and they realize that the impulse to protect and help them is simply part of that maturation process you have been going through. As an adult, you are expected to recognize when someone close to you begins to struggle with the tasks and challenges of everyday life and to shoulder the responsibility of helping if you can.
Sometimes talking about the role reversal with your siblings, spouse, friends, or even a counselor can help you get used to the idea that you might have to take over your parents’ financial or health decision-making. You will also find information about “parenting your parents” on several websites and in magazines aimed at individuals who are caretakers for their parents.
If you are willing to bring up a difficult subject with a protective attitude and willingness to listen to others, and if you are willing to prepare in advance to ensure a good outcome, then you are the right person to bring up the topic.
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