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To Mum, Dad, Jenny and Jodie
CONTENTS
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Foreword by Jeff Winter
Introduction
Chapter One: Oldies but Goodies
Chapter Two: Funnies
Chapter Three: Hero Worship
Chapter Four: Doing the 92
Chapter Five: X-Rated
Chapter Six: Extra Time
Copyright
I would like to give my thanks to Nick and Gerry and all the lads at Hayters Sports Agency for not only giving me a job but for putting up with me as well. In writing this book I must say thank you to all the football club press offices and historians who have pointed me in the right direction of a good song or story, as well as a smattering of club message boards with a whole host of funny songs. Work experience students from Brighton University have played their part too, as well as Allie Collins at Blake for always being on hand to help me out with any query I had.
And lastly, thank you to Ole Gunnar Solskjaer:
Who put the ball in the Germans’ net!?
‘The Referee’s a wanker’ – that always puzzled me. The best chants are the humorous ones and those that are original. My favourite was ‘Oh, Graham Poll is a fucking arsehole’ – which was funny and, some might say, quite true.
You have to smile and not let the chants get to you. Once I was reffing at St. James’s Park. Newcastle were playing Blackburn Rovers and the away fans started chanting ‘You don’t know what you’re doing’. Then the Newcastle fans joined in. I had to laugh – they couldn’t all be wrong, could they!
The amount of pressure and media coverage surrounding referees nowadays is such that hearing a chant or two from the stands is like water off a duck’s back. In fact, if a ref is being abused by the fans or players of a particular side then you have to wonder how that might affect his next decision. By getting that frustration off their chests, fans could actually be adding to their team’s problems.
Ref bating is a bit like booing the ugly sisters in the Christmas pantomime; it will always happen. When it’s funny, fair enough, when it’s predictable it’s boring, and when it gets extremely personal it’s bang out of order. Those who shout abuse about players’ and refs’ wives and families? Well, they really are wankers!
Jeff Winter
February 2010
It’s a bright spring morning in 2009 as hordes of Manchester United fans descend on Old Trafford, ready for a battle on – and off – the pitch with arch-rivals Liverpool. Expectant supporters shuffle past the glut of burger vans and horse manure as the big kick-off approaches. There is nothing quite like walking among a sea of strangers, all united in a shared and overwhelming passion for following your team.
Passion can be expressed in a variety of ways. While our long-suffering other halves yearn for a little more attention, one commitment we can all manage is the chance to travel the length and breadth of the country in order to follow our heroes.
And who wants to spend Saturdays window-shopping with ’er indoors when we can hail hardworking midfielders from South Korea?
Park, Park, wherever you may be
You eat dogs in your own country!
It could be worse, you could be Scouse!
Eating rats in your council house!
The tuneful United fans love to sing this heartwarming take on ‘Lord of the Dance’ whenever their rivals up the East Lancs Road descend on Sir Matt Busby Way. In this instance, however, Liverpool had the last laugh, as they beat their bitter rivals 4–1 at Old Trafford. All of a sudden, with United’s supporters stunned into silence, the stadium rang with Liverpool fans’ tongue-in-cheek chant:
Rafa’s cracking up! He’s cracking up!
He’s cracking up! He’s cracking!
Rafa’s cracking up!
Liverpool manager Benitez had become a laughing stock with his infamous ‘Fact’ rant in January 2009, leading the United supporters to adapt England’s Euro ’96 anthem ‘Three Lions’, with its ‘Football’s Coming Home’ chant, to voice their opinion that the Spaniard had lost it. But football has a habit of leaving you disappointed, and when Benitez’s men thumped United in March 2009 at Old Trafford, it gave the Merseysiders the chance to bask in the glory of a resounding victory, and they made sure they let everyone know about it.
Political correctness is not something you would associate with us football fans, with our quick wit capable of raising a laugh or two on match-days. Dog is considered a delicacy in Park Ji-Sung’s home country, South Korea, and the subject of food often provides supporters with a rich array of humorous anecdotes to belt out from the stands.
Scotland, a country famed for deep-frying just about anything, may lack the credentials to be a powerful footballing force on the pitch, but the Tartan Army are up there with the best of them when it comes to supporting their team. Witness the ‘We’re gonna deep fry your frogs’ legs’ chant, sung when the Scots played France in a Euro 2008 qualifier. Absolutely cracking stuff, and another example of when football fans unite for the greater good and give us all a laugh.
Football provides us with an opportunity to put down our rivals, eulogise about the new defensive sensation from Suriname and, in the case of Chelsea supporters, let everyone know about their slightly erotic fixation with celery. It’s a question of expression, whether you’re sitting in Rushden’s Nene Park singing ‘Knight Fever’ or standing in the Kop belting out ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, we all love a good sing-song, never more so than when our tunes get right up our rival fans’ noses.
Throughout this book you will find a collection of the funniest and weirdest football chants, from the ‘Hero Worship’ section right up
