a tribute to the late, great, Sir Bobby Robson, along with some cracking quotes from seasons gone by.
Unfortunately, our hatred for our opponents can, occasionally, just get a little out of hand, and we’ll be examining the nastier side of football in the ‘X-Rated’ section of the book. Sometimes fans cross the line, and we’ll be trying to understand why they do. However, although some of the darker chants give the majority of football supporters a bad name, we should not all be tarred with the same brush – most of us just want to enjoy a good game of football (which is often easier said than done, depending on what team you support…) and indulge in some light-hearted banter.
So sit back, clear your throat and get ready to belt out all the hits from yesteryear right up to the present day.
And just remember: the referee’s a wanker.
CHAPTER ONE: OLDIES BUT GOODIES
While the five-minute-long serenades to stars past and present may fire our hearts on the terraces, you can’t beat pure, classic, comedy gold. Yes, there are the twisted takes on Andrew Lloyd-Webber hits or tributes to Wham!, but often the best songs are the simple classics that have been knocking around for years.
The unwritten rule of an effective football chant is to keep it simple. You don’t want to be scratching around for a club’s hymn book or nagging those around you with constant requests for lyrics, so, for the casual football fan, ‘Oldies But Goodies’ does the trick.
Only in the mad, mad world of following your team could such incredible songs spring up and pass the test of time, including a brilliant put-down that name-drops a village in Wales. ‘Why’s that so special?’ you ask? Well, the village in question has 58 letters in its name!
Each club, be it non-league or Champions League, has its own unique chants but when the time is right, fans right across the world will indulge in some Oldie But Goodie love…
There are few worse feelings than watching your team go behind having taken the lead. The agony, the despair, the sense of ‘why didn’t you close him down, you ****!’… and, of course, rival supporters love to put the boot in with the most simple of put-downs:
You’re not singing anymore!
You’re not singing!
You’re not singing!
YOU’RE NOT SINGING ANYMORE!
[Sung to the tune of ‘Cwm Rhondda’, or ‘Bread of Heaven’, a hymn written by John Hughes. Variations on this include ‘Shall we sing a song for you?’ and ‘It’s all gone quiet over there’.]
You would think this wouldn’t leave much room for a comeback but, memorably, Fulham fans had the last laugh when they responded to such a chant from Portsmouth fans in 2007. Benjani had scored the opening goal for Pompey in a Premier League game at Craven Cottage – cue a rendition of ‘You’re not singing’. Fulham’s response?
WE WEREN’T SINGING ANYWAY!
[Fulham fans didn’t have much to sing about in the end. They ended up losing the match 2–0.]
…here are some more ways of appreciating ‘Bread of Heaven’:
Can we play you every week?
Are you [insert despised team] in disguise?
[Generally sung when your team are winning comfortably. Wrexham fans took this one to a whole new level when they went 5–0 up against Cambridge in 2002. The Welshmen sang: ‘Are you Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in disguise?’! And yes, that IS a real place. It’s a small village in Anglesey, Wales.]
Does your butler know you’re here?
[Good stuff from West Ham here, taunting the Cottagers about where they’re from. Fulham is a rather affluent area in west London, especially compared to West Ham…]
We can see you washing up!
[Sung by all and sundry while at Leyton Orient’s Brisbane Road ground. There are flats situated in the corners of the stadium.]
You’re the only one at home!
[More Brisbane Road comedy here. During a Carling Cup tie at home to Stoke, a lone man watched the action from his balcony. Around 2,500 people made sure he had some company.]
You’re not ringing anymore!
[Sung by Arsenal fans to John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood (yes, that’s his real name), who annoys fans up and down the country with his loud handbell. The Gunners were right; the avid Pompey fan was a little muted when Arsène Wenger’s men went 4–1 up in August 2009.]
You’re not signing anymore!
[No, that’s not a typo – Stoke City fans came up with this gem when Chelsea visited the Britannia Stadium in September 2009. Following alleged irregularities, UEFA banned Chelsea from transfer activity for two years.]
Football fatties have long had to take abuse from fans on one of their many chins. Leading the way in the long list of lardy tributes is an all-time classic:
Who ate all the pies?
Who ate all the pies?
You fat bastard! You fat bastard!
You ate all the pies!
[Sung to the tune of ‘Knees up Mother Brown’, a 1930s hit by Harris Weston and Bert Lee.]
This classic is one of the milder songs sung by West Ham fans to hate-figure ‘Fat’ Frank Lampard following his defection to Chelsea in 2001. Fellow victims of the classic include roly-poly Swedish striker Thomas Brolin, whose Michelin-man body graced the Premier League in the 1990s with Leeds and Crystal Palace.
Not all of the classics take the mickey. This delightful ditty is usually reserved for players and/or managers to have played and/or managed their way into the hearts of the supporters. Scoring twice against your hated rivals helps, as does winning trophies.
There’s only one Arsène Wenger!
One Arsène Wenger!
Walking
