social workers, practitioners and policy makers. The resulting suggestions aim to meet the needs of such damaged young people and work towards transformative approaches. Looking at each person’s story in multiple ways, leads us, then, to begin to understand the depth and complexity involved which, as helping adults and practitioners, we need to learn to address. The book provides gentle and moving insights and ways forward, responding sensitively to the individual struggles of the young people which were sometimes heroic.
In fact, my own view is that children who experience or live with domestic abuse are often ‘heroes of their own lives’, but commonly no-one else recognises this – even now. This moving contribution is part of shifting the ground towards those young people, and providing information and insights for professionals and domestic violence survivors themselves. We need to be very grateful to Sue Collis for this unique book. But most of all, our thanks to the young people who courageously shared their stories and pain. The author calls them ‘valiant, and indeed they are. Let us try to learn from them.
Emeritus Professor Gill Hague
Professor of Violence Against Women Studies
Centre for Gender and Violence Research
University of Bristol
Introduction
‘It’s OK to Talk’
It seems like a statement of the obvious if we hear someone saying, ‘It’s ok to talk.’ However, it is probable that, in the context of lives steeped in domestic violence, the full significance of what is being said is lost to us. In the framework of experiences of domestic violence, we need to be reminded that, in the past, there has often been a pervasive, all-consuming silence which has permeated everything to do with domestic violence. It would appear that it’s not been ok to talk. However, there is no desire here to undervalue in any way the tireless efforts which have taken place in this country and others to research the consequences of domestic violence, and break the silence. The courageous efforts of survivors together with researchers are acknowledged and seen as crucial and far-reaching.
Despite these developments, domestic violence occurring in individuals’ lives may still remain private and hidden, and may stay locked in the home, where it has been perpetrated, perpetuated and silenced. The reasons for this are complex and dependent on varied influences and factors.
I offer here a woman’s view which is particular in that it is my view, but it does also contain ideas which have been offered to me by other women, who are, like me, survivors.
Historically, women have remained silent because they may think they are to blame for the abuse; they may think they deserve such treatment; they may think that they have to accept it as part of life; they may be too ashamed to talk; they may hope that things will get better, that somehow the man they love will change; they may believe that no one cares or is interested; they may have been coerced into believing that they have made their bed and they must lie on it; they may be just too terrified to talk because they have been intimidated over a protracted period and threatened with appalling consequences; they may fear for their children and think that if they expose the violence they will be held responsible, and their children will be taken away; they may not realise that they are being abused and do not see what is happening as in any way wrong; they may accept the abuse because they are so controlled and have become so powerless that they do not have the confidence or self-belief to make a simple decision like talking to someone; they may believe they are loved by the perpetrator and remain loyal to him; they may love the perpetrator and do not want to expose his abuse because some of the time he is a caring partner and that’s what really counts; they may think there is no one they can talk to; they may believe that talking will make things worse; they may be strongly influenced by their particular family culture which states that disgrace is always associated with disclosures of domestic violence. There are many varied, complex reasons why women remain silent.
I began my years of abuse with fourteen years of silence for some of these reasons. I have realised that the silence was intrinsically damaging and that I allowed the abuse to go on for much longer than it should have done, and the silence was responsible, in large measure, for my entrapment. It provided the backdrop for further abusive relationships which followed in succession, mainly due to the harm caused by the first relationship when I had remained silent. My silence confined me to a dungeon which kept me apart from any support I might have received. In 1984, after 14 years, I disclosed the abuse to my doctor, another woman. I remember how shocked she was when I shared a small fragment of the abuse. It went no further. I was not offered any support. I was expected to carry on living as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t.
The consequence was another eighteen years of domestic violence with other partners, utterly eroding any vestiges of self-worth I might have had.
I do not intend to dwell on my experiences, except to make the critical observation that talking about experiences of domestic violence brings untold rewards, as well as possessing the potential of eradicating what I see as the dire consequences of remaining silent.
I do want to stress the importance of specialised support services for victims and survivors of domestic violence. I, like all victims, needed to be helped by someone who had the ability to understand and was able to empathise with the unique kind of suffering associated with domestic violence. To be suffering at the hands of someone who is supposed to be loving and caring, in a place, the home, which should be the safest and most secure place in our lives, has peculiar and distinctive consequences which some might have difficulty understanding. For example, the question, ‘Why don’t you leave?’ is asked by someone who has no insight into the plight of those women who hopelessly hope that the suffering will end, but remain trapped in abusive relationships. Women do not leave for a vast number of credible reasons, many of which are tied up with the reasons for remaining silent.
Perhaps we would do well to reflect on the situation of an abused woman, feeling powerless, unconfident and afraid, probably with dependent children, possibly friendless and isolated, with little or no financial independence or personal means, with no particular place to go, and then think that it is a remarkable thing that some women actually do leave.
Silence does perpetuate suffering and abuse. I did find my voice. Once I had found it, I wanted to make it possible for others, particularly children and young people, to be heard.
This book is a voice for five young people who wanted their stories to be heard. They speak of their experiences in individual ways, and each has bravely reflected on their lives and support the idea that, as Rose said: ‘…it’s ok to talk.’ I had the great privilege of meeting with these young people, and they shared with me their stories. I then spent time reflecting on what they had said, trying to give their stories the attention and the thought they deserved. I noticed a lot of things which I felt were significant and I learnt a lot. Finally, I thought about these young people in relation to all the children and young people we know who are in need of support and help, and I wondered if I could apply something of what I had learnt to them. I concluded that I could, and that other people could also.
I have chosen to dwell on my thoughts in relation to the stories I had heard. I had embarked on a piece of research which soon became more than that. The stories are powerful and provoke many ideas and concepts. Every kind of verbal statement is included because of its value in its own right and also because each had the potential to act as a springboard to think about a much broader context. What we learn about one individual’s life may lead us to learn about another’s, and work towards a fuller understanding of every child and young person who we have the privilege and honour to meet. I hope the stories of these five young people will inspire the reader to try a little harder at understanding other children’s and young people’s stories.
Each
