couldn’t you? I’m a great believer in a man repaying his own debts; that in some ways is what my work is all about. So, won’t you come?
I’ll think about it.
Excellent. Nice to talk with you, Mr Dalziel. About one o’clock. Petula will show you the way.
Handy little gadget this. Didn’t realize I’d left it running when I shoved it in my pocket after Festerwhanger tapped at the door. Its picked up every word him and me said.
Dead sensitive, like me!
Not that hiding it fooled old weasel-eyes. I reckon he’d been listening at the door for a couple of minutes afore he knocked. Played it back to be sure and there it was, red meat on my plate. Coincidence? Mebbe. But I’ll take more care from now on. Simplest would be to toss the bloody thing into the sea. But, fair do’s, it could be the bugger’s on to something with this talking to myself thing. Admit it, Dalziel, your bollocks might be back to twitch mode, but you’re still not right in your head, not while you keep having these funny dreams about talking to God!
Mebbe it’s that post-menstrual traumatic sin thing they go on about these days. Likely there’s a lot of it about in a place like this, so no wonder if I’ve caught a dose.
Any road, if yakking about it helps, nowt wrong with yakking. But I’m definitely not going to spill my guts to yon Yankee wanker!
Jesus, there it goes again. Knock knock knock. Who’s there, in the name of Beelzebub? All right, I’m coming. There’d be less traffic living on Scotch Corner roundabout.
Oh, hello, matron.
Sorry to disturb you, Mr Dalziel, but Dr Feldenhammer said you were having some problem with your diet.
Only problem is seeing it, luv. I’m a growing lad. I need fettling.
I won’t argue with you there. Can I be frank with you, Mr Dalziel?
Long as it don’t involve dressing up in leather.
You have a large frame, and I can understand your desire to fill it again. But this might be a good time to take stock and ask yourself if you really want to put back on all the weight you lost during your recent unfortunate experience.
How do you know how much I weighed before?
We have your medical records. No one comes to the Avalon without a complete legend.
So I’m a legend, am I? I’ll tell you what, luv. You fatten me up till I reach what you think is my legendary shape, then we’ll see how we get on from there, OK?
That sounds reasonable. Now I gather I’m to escort you to Dr Feldenhammer’s lunch meeting tomorrow.
If you’re Petula, that’s right, matron.
Yes, that is my name. My title incidentally isn’t matron. I am Head of Nursing Care and usually I’m addressed as Mrs Sheldon.
But I bet you’re undressed as Pet, right? Nay, don’t look offended, not when you’ve got such a bonny smile. That’s better. Let’s start again. If we’re going out together, I’m going to call you Pet. And if you’re going to get me back to my proper shape, you can call me Adonis. But Andy will do if you’re worried about folk talking.
Andy it is. Will you be up to walking to the clinic, Andy? Or shall I bring a chair for you?
Ee, I do love a cheeky woman. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I fancy a shower. Don’t suppose you’d like to come in with me? I’ve got these muscle pains when I try to scrub my back.
I’m sorry to hear that, Andy, but it would be more than my job’s worth.
Oh, I think I could guarantee that, Pet.
Who’s a big mouth then? One little twitch when the beautiful Stiggi’s straddling your bum and you’re making like Don Juan! And it were only a few days back you were thinking that lass would have made a good concentration camp warder! Funny how feeling better changes your view of folk. Reminds me of summat Pete Pascoe once said when I wanted to haul someone into the Factory for questioning. Let’s start him off at home, he said. Once you feel like a prisoner, everyone looks like a guard.
Clever clogs were right, as per usual! I don’t feel like a prisoner any more and I can see yon Pet’s not a bad-looking woman, specially now I’ve got her to crack her face.
Time for that shower. What’s that, Mildred? Better make it a cold one?
Just for that you’re going back in the cistern!
Over and out!
| FROM: | [email protected] |
| TO: | [email protected] |
| SUBJECT: | the hunk & his handle! |
Hi!
Really pleased to hear from you – was getting worried – but not as worried as I would have been if Id known! No – nothing on the news here – small African hospital under mortar fire – no one dead – doesnt hit the headlines. Just as well maybe – for mum & dads sake I mean – saves a lot of brick walls from being banged!
Anyway – I feel real guilty – lounging around here – in what must be the safest healthiest place in the world – boring you with my rustic rollickings! But you say it helps keep you on an even keel knowing theres still places like sleepy little Sandytown in the world – so heres the next exciting episode!
Or rather the next several episodes – each centred on a man – just so you dont get the impression youve got exclusive rights!
First Teddy – the hunk with the handle – literally! – as I have seen – & you will hear!
Weather was so warm today – I thought Id head for the beach – see if it had improved since the famous trip!
Tom was too busy to join me – thank heaven – I wanted to swim not talk – or rather listen! He said this was the day hed fixed for Mr Godley – the healer – to drive over & take a look at the set-up in Sandytown – & he hoped Id be back in time to meet him – as he knew how it would help with my study – which Im finally making a bit of progress with. Remembering how Godly Gordon took against me first time we met – I dont anticipate much encouragement there – but of course I said I hoped so too.
One other thing Tom said – rather awkwardly for him was – re the meeting at the Avalon – Charlotte – as it is mainly – nay solely – concerned with the alternative therapists – we – that is Lester Feldenhammer & myself – deemed it unnecessary to invite Lady Denham – so – should you chance into her company – it might be diplomatic not to say anything about it!
