never seen her asleep like this before and for a long moment Ryan felt mesmerised. That aura of strength had deserted her and the sheer vulnerability of the woman in front of him caught and squeezed Ryan’s heart painfully. She was way too thin now. In another life, with Holly’s height and stunningly good looks, she could easily have been a model. But that was not what Holly had set her heart on being, was it?
Ryan sighed inaudibly and moved towards the bench. He shouldn’t have pushed her to go solo on that VSD repair. He’d seen that moment of hesitation—the self-doubt. He’d also felt the gathering of whatever internal resources had been needed to succeed, and he hadn’t realised how tense he’d been himself until Holly had moved to take that first stitch and he’d been able to breathe again.
Not that he’d doubted for a moment that she could do it. If sheer courage and determination were all it took to succeed, there would be no stopping Holly Williams. Sadly, that wasn’t all it took, though, was it? And Holly was getting just a shade too close to the wall now. Maybe others hadn’t noticed yet but Ryan had become so closely attuned to his registrar that he knew as well as she must how much more of a struggle it was all becoming.
Yes. Ryan quietly set two mugs onto the bench and reached for the jar of instant coffee.
It was definitely time for the talk.
‘Holly!’
Her eyes flew open at the sound of her name. Blinking, Holly focussed on the source of the sound. Shaggy, gold-streaked brown hair. A face too craggy to be conventionally good-looking but a pair of the kindest hazel eyes in existence. A wide mouth, more inclined to curve into a slow smile than a grin. The kind of smile she could see right now, in fact.
‘Feeling better?’
Holly nodded, sitting more upright as she noticed the steaming mug of coffee Ryan was holding out for her.
‘Thanks.’ Embarrassed at being found asleep, Holly avoided more than the briefest eye contact. Her gaze slid past Ryan’s face, catching the wall clock visible just behind his shoulder. Her exclamation was horrified.
‘Oh, my God! I’ve been asleep for an hour!’
‘You needed a rest.’
‘I thought you’d only be five minutes. I only sat down to wait for the jug to boil.’ Holly shook her head in disbelief, pushing a long, single braid of dark hair over her shoulder. ‘I’m so sorry, Ryan. This is awful!’
‘It’s no big deal. Don’t beat yourself up over it.’
‘Falling asleep on the job is a pretty big deal in my book.’ Holly tried to stamp on a fear that had been gnawing at her for days. The fear that things were getting worse far too rapidly to control now. That she was reaching a point when she would have to admit defeat. She could only hope that fear wasn’t showing in her eyes as she looked up at Ryan again. ‘Why on earth do you put up with me, Ryan?’
The gentle smile broadened into the closest he ever came to grinning as he sat down beside Holly.
‘What is it they say on the wrinkle-cream ads? “Because you’re worth it”?’
‘Ha!’ But Holly couldn’t help smiling back at Ryan. He’d always made her feel like that. Mind you, he made everybody feel like that. His small patients, their parents—even their siblings. Ryan was just one of those amazing people that made anyone they spoke to feel special. Holly had never known him to complain of any personal cost he suffered and she had to be running up a fair account by now. ‘You have to juggle on-call rosters because half the nights I’m unavailable. I have more time off work than any normal registrar would be allowed and now I’m falling asleep on the job, for heaven’s sake!’
‘You had a big morning.’ Ryan raised his coffee-mug in a salute. ‘Well done again, by the way. When I think back to what my first patch was like on a VSD, I’m impressed all over again. In fact, I think I was only allowed to do half of it before my consultant muttered darkly about having to call in a plumber to fix the leaks and then took over.’
‘I don’t believe that for a minute.’ Holly’s glance at Ryan was very direct. ‘Why did you let me do it?’
‘Because you could.’
‘You didn’t know that. I didn’t know that. I’ve never done it before.’
‘You have more than enough ability. You’ve got to stretch your wings some time.’
‘But something might have gone horribly wrong.’
‘Of course it could. Something could have gone horribly wrong for me as well. That fear is always there.’ Ryan’s expression was quizzical. ‘You’ve had your heart set on a surgical consultancy for as long as I’ve known you, Holly. And that’s, what…two years now?’
She nodded. ‘Off and on.’
‘And as a consultant, you take that risk and responsibility on board and do the best you can. Your best is more than good enough.’
‘I’m not talking about the risk of complications or error.’ Holly stared into the depths of her coffee-mug. ‘I’m talking about the lack of physical ability. What if I’d blacked out or got the shakes badly enough to create a disaster?’
‘You didn’t.’
‘You took a hell of a risk, though, Ryan.’ Holly swallowed hard. ‘And while I’m enormously grateful, I don’t think you should do it again.’
‘That’s my call.’
Holly shook her head sadly. ‘I’m not so sure about that. Not any more.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Maybe it’s time I faced reality here. The odds are stacked pretty high against me getting where I want to go.’ Holly took a deep breath. This was hard to say. To admit that her fiercely defended independence wasn’t as great as she’d believed. ‘Maybe it’s just not fair that people like you have to keep propping me up.’
Ryan was giving her an oddly wary look. ‘You’ve been battling those odds for as long as I’ve known you and I’ve never heard you come even within spitting distance of admitting defeat. What’s changed?’ He frowned. ‘Did I put too much pressure on you this morning? If I did, I’m sorry, Holly. I never meant to—’
Holly shook her head again, interrupting any apology. ‘It’s not that. You’ve never put too much pressure on, Ryan.’ She smiled. ‘You seem to know how to put on just enough to push people into discovering what they’re capable of without destroying their confidence. You’re a brilliant teacher, you know.’
Ryan shrugged off the compliment. ‘So what is it? Are you just tired?’
‘I’m always tired.’
‘What’s changed, then?’ Ryan persisted. Hazel eyes seemed to darken with concern. ‘Are you needing dialysis more often?’
‘Probably. I’m due for blood tests today.’ Holly eyed the remains of her coffee. Should she use up that much of her daily fluid allowance now or save it for later? She took another small mouthful and then sighed. ‘I’m doing it four nights a week already, Ryan. Soon all
