on the inside of her bottom lip hard enough to cause pain. She could taste blood but it worked. The prickle of tears was conquered. She even managed a smile.
Ryan raised his eyebrows. He smiled back, a shade tentatively as the silence dragged on, and Holly knew she had to say something.
Nothing sprang to mind.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she was forced to admit.
‘Say yes,’ Ryan suggested quietly.
Holly looked away. ‘Have you got any idea what you’re offering here?’
‘Of course I do. I’m not stupid, Holly.’
There was an edge to his tone that Holly had never heard before. Ryan was offended.
‘Sorry.’ Holly raised her gaze to find that Ryan appeared not to have moved a single muscle. He sat like a statue, his gaze still fixed on her. ‘It’s an incredibly generous offer and I’m stunned, but it’s totally impossible to even consider.’
‘Why?’
Why, indeed? Because it was simply so huge. It was like, Holly thought wildly, an eccentric millionaire calling in his housekeeper, say, and offering to give her his entire fortune. A gift that would enable her to live the kind of life she’d always dreamed of.
Except that this gift wasn’t money. It was a body part. Something so personal, the thought of even considering acceptance made something within Holly cringe in agonised embarrassment. But how on earth could she tell Ryan that without causing further offence?
‘For one thing,’ she said carefully, ‘it’s highly unlikely we’d be compatible. As I told you, my blood group is O.’
‘So’s mine.’
‘So are forty-five per cent of the population, Ryan. But I’m not rhesus positive. I’m negative. That takes it down to seven per cent. One in sixteen people. Unless the situation is desperate, they’re not going to go for anything less than a perfect match.’
‘I’m O negative.’
Holly couldn’t afford to let that tiny ray of hope in. This was ridiculous. ‘And then there’s tissue and crossmatching. It can look like a perfect match and then they put it together and get some horrible rejection reaction.’
‘We’re compatible, Holly,’ Ryan said calmly. ‘I’ve already checked it out.’
‘What?’ This was another surprise. Another disturbing one.
‘I’ve had the initial tests done already.’ Ryan sounded almost smug—as though he was producing his trump card.
‘Doug said that if I’d come in dead I would have been considered a perfect match for you.’
‘Doug?’ Holly needed to confirm what she was hearing here.
‘Your renal physician,’ Ryan said unnecessarily.
‘You’ve been talking to Doug about this…behind my back?’ Holly’s tone was measured, perfectly calm, but Ryan blinked, clearly disconcerted.
‘Well, I didn’t want to make an empty offer.’
‘So you’ve ticked all the boxes and got it all planned.’ Holly was still trying to assimilate the astounding information. ‘Have you talked to anyone else about this?’
‘I…ah…had a word or two with a transplant surgeon, just to see how much time off work I’d need to organise.’
‘And?’
‘Two or three weeks max. Less if it’s done with keyhole surgery. No heavy lifting for six to eight weeks but that’s not a worry with our jobs. I reckon we could both be back on deck within three weeks.’
‘You didn’t pencil in a date for surgery, by any chance?’
‘Of course not! Why would I do that before I spoke to you?’
‘It seems you’ve done rather a lot already without speaking to me.’ Holly’s words were clipped and Ryan couldn’t fail to get the message that she was upset about this.
Holly was more than upset. She felt like the ground had shifted under her feet—that someone else was taking control of her life. She was being offered something she wanted more than anything, but she couldn’t possibly accept. This was cruel, in fact, and a seed of anger blossomed.
‘I’m speaking to you now, Holly.’ Ryan looked puzzled, which was perfectly understandable. ‘I’ve just been waiting for the right opportunity.’ His mouth twisted in a wry smile as he shook his head. ‘I’m sorry. I should have known not to go behind your back. I know how fiercely independent you are and how you’ve managed your illness so far.’ He spread his hands in a gesture of surrender. ‘There aren’t many people who would choose to cope with home dialysis when they live alone. Even fewer people that could manage to keep up such a demanding career. I admire that independence, Holly. It’s a big part of why I want to help. And…’ the smile tilted up at both corners this time ‘…I wanted to give you a surprise.’
‘You’ve done that all right.’ Ryan’s winning smile was impossible not to respond to, but he’d summed up the problem here, hadn’t he? Holly managed alone. She made her own decisions and weighed up the consequences of those decisions very carefully beforehand. Some required a lot of thought. Others didn’t. Her smile faded.
‘You must have realised how impossible it would be for me to accept.’
‘Why?’
‘You’re offering something I wouldn’t even ask a blood relative for. You’re my boss, Ryan. Way above the level of being equal as a colleague. We’re not even…’ Holly searched for a word that could demonstrate the gulf between them in a personal field. ‘Friends,’ she concluded unhappily.
‘Aren’t we?’
Something in his tone made Holly feel ashamed of what she’d said. As though she was rejecting something of great importance to Ryan. But it was easier from his side of the fence, wasn’t it?
‘You’re my boss, Ryan. You’re older and far more experienced than me. You’re my teacher. A mentor.’ In a position of power that precluded anything as levelling as a personal friendship. ‘Our lives don’t touch outside working hours.’ She sighed, staring down at her tightly linked fingers. ‘And I’m a woman, trying to succeed in what is still a male-dominated career path. I’m also trying to cope with a fairly debilitating illness. I resent the limitations it imposes on my life and having to accept help.’ She glanced up again. ‘That’s not to say I’m not enormously grateful for your help. God knows, I’d never have got as far as I have if it hadn’t been for you, but you’ve done enough, Ryan. I couldn’t…wouldn’t accept any more.’
He looked so disappointed, Holly tried to smile.
‘Imagine if it didn’t work? There I’d be still struggling along and you’d know you’d gone through all that pain, not to mention the risks of having a general anaesthetic, for nothing. I wouldn’t be able to work with you any more because I’d feel like such a failure.
