It was full of wild ducks.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have any bullets left.
I was expecting many friends that evening, and I wanted to treat them well. I am a hospitable and generous person, you know. My dinners and suppers were famous all over Petersburg. How could I get home without ducks?
I remembered that there was a piece of fat[10] left in my bag. This fat will be a good bait. I took it out of my bag, tied it to a long string, and threw it into the water.
The ducks saw the food, and immediately swam up to the fat. One of them swallowed it. But the fat was slippery, and it passed quickly through the duck, and jumped out behind it! So the duck was on my string.
Then a second duck swam up to the fat, and the same thing happened.
All the ducks swallowed the fat and they became like a string of beads. In ten minutes, all the ducks are on it. All I had to do was just to pull out the ducks and take them to the kitchen.
But it was not so easy to carry so many ducks. I took a few steps and was very tired. Suddenly the ducks flew up and lifted me up to the clouds. You can imagine my surprise! I am a brave and resourceful person, you know. I made a rudder out of my coat, and flew rapidly home. But how to get down?
It’s so easy! My resourcefulness helped me again. I killed some ducks, and we began to descend slowly – just into the chimney of my kitchen! My cook was very surprised.
Wild Pigs are Dangerous
Chance and good luck often correct our mistakes. Soon after that, in the depth of a forest, I saw a little wild pig and a sow. They were running close behind each other. I shot. The little wild pig ran away, and the sow stood motionless, as fixed to the ground. It was an old sow, blind with age, which took hold of the little pig’s tail. My ball passed between these two pigs. It cut the tail, which the old sow continued to hold in its mouth. The sow’s former guide did not draw it on any longer, it had stopped of course. I therefore took the remaining end of the little pig’s tail, and led the old beast home without any trouble. The old animal was absolutely helpless.
But these wild sows are very terrible. The boars are fierce and dangerous. One of them I had once the misfortune to meet in a forest. I was unprepared for attack or defense. I retired behind an oak-tree just when the furious animal jumped at me, with such force, that his tusks pierced through the tree. So it could neither repeat the blow nor retire. Ho, ho! thought I, I hammered and bent its tusks in such a manner, that it could not retreat by any means. Then I went to the village for ropes and a cart. And I carried the boar home safe and alive!
Saint Hubert’s Stag
You heard, I think, of the hunter and the saint and protector, St. Hubert[11], and of the noble stag, which appeared to him in the forest, with the holy cross between its antlers. I saw this stag a thousand times, either painted or embroidered. I hardly know whether such ever lived. But let me rather tell what I saw myself.
One day I was walking in the wood and eating cherries. Suddenly I found myself unexpectedly in presence of a stately stag. The stag was looking at me as if it knew of my empty pouches. I charged immediately with powder, and upon it a good handful of cherry-stones[12]. Then I shot at the stag, and hit him just on the middle of the forehead, between his antlers. It stunned the stag – it staggered and ran away. A year or two after, I saw in the same forest, and I beheld a stag with a fine full grown cherry-tree above ten feet high between its antlers. I immediately recollected my former adventure, looked at the stag, and brought it to the ground by one shot. It at once gave me the haunch and cherry-sauce; for the tree was covered with the fruit.
Who knows but some hunter, or abbot or bishop, could shoot, and fix the cross between the antlers of St. Hubert’s stag, in a manner similar to this?
An Amazing Eight-Legged Hare
One day I was chasing an unusual hare. The hare was wonderfully fleet-footed[13]. It was running on and on, and never stopped to rest. I chased it for two days. I was riding my horse, and could not catch it.
My faithful dog kept pace with the hare, but I could not get closer. On the third day, I finally shot the damnable hare.
As soon as he fell on the grass, I jumped off my horse and rushed to examine him. You can imagine my surprise, gentlemen. That hare, in addition to its usual legs, had spare ones. It had four legs on its stomach and four on its back!
Oh yes, it had good, strong legs on its back. When the lower legs got tired, the hare rolled over on its back, and continued to run using the spare legs.
No wonder I’d been chasing the hare for three days[14] like a madman!
The Baron and the Bear
What do you say of this, for example? It was in a Polish forest. When I was going home a terrible bear appeared, with open mouth, ready to fall upon me. I searched for powder and ball, but in vain; I found nothing but two spare flints. One I flung with all my might into the bear’s open jaws, down his throat. It gave the bear pain and made it turn about. I threw the second flint at his back-door, which, indeed, I did with wonderful success. It flew in, met the first flint in the stomach, struck fire, and blew up the bear with a terrible explosion!
The Wolf, Which the Baron Turns Inside Out[15]
That time the fiercest and most dangerous animals generally came upon me. For example, a frightful wolf rushed upon me so suddenly, and so close, that I could do nothing but thrust my fist into his open mouth. I pushed on and on, till my arm was fairly in up to the shoulder.
How could I disengage myself? I was not much pleased with my awkward situation – with a wolf face to face. I saw its flaming eyes. So I laid hold of his tail, turned him inside out like a glove, and flung him to the ground, where I left him.
The Mad Fur Coat
The same expedient did not work against a mad dog, which soon after came running against me in a narrow street at St. Petersburg. I threw off my fur coat[16], and was safe at home in an instant. I sent my servant for the cloak, and he put it in the wardrobe with my other clothes. The day after I was amazed and frightened.
“For God’s sake[17], sir, your fur coat is mad!” my servant cried.
I hastened up to him. All my clothes were tossed about and torn to pieces. The servant was perfectly right in his apprehensions about the fur coat’s madness. I took my gun and shot. The mad fur coat became still. I put it in a separate wardrobe.
And my coat was very quiet and did not bite anybody.
My Favourite Hound
Presence of mind and vigorous exertions, gentlemen, that’s all! I shall not discuss the details of my stables, horses, or armoury. But I must mention my favourite dog. It was a greyhound, and I never had or saw a better dog. It was not remarkable for her size, but rather for her uncommon swiftness. It ran so fast, so much, and so long in my service,
a piece of fat – кусок сала
St. Hubert – св. Герберт (
cherry-stones – вишнёвые косточки
fleet-footed – быстроногий
I’d been chasing the hare for three days – я гонялся за зайцем три дня
to turn inside out – выворачивать наизнанку
fur coat – шуба
for God’s sake – ради бога
