is waiting for me in The Farthing, our pub of choice for most occasions. Partly because it’s close and partly because the barman is so damn cute. I’ve called an emergency meeting of the BFFs to discuss my dilemma with Francesca, her approaching wedding and my big, fat, lying gob. I order a round of drinks, having a little flirt with Dan the Barman while I’m there (it would be rude not to) before joining her at our usual table.
‘Ryan not here yet?’
Lauren shakes her head and takes a sip of her red wine. ‘He isn’t bringing that awful Kelsey with him again, is he? Where does he find these women?’
‘His mother.’ Lauren and I share a look, both knowing what an utter pain in the bum Ryan’s mum is. Ryan’s choice in women is never good enough for Eleanor Ford so she’s taken to setting him up with ones she deems suitable. ‘Kelsey wasn’t that bad. Ryan’s dated worse women.’ At least this one didn’t mistake Lauren and me for the hired help.
‘She made us lose the quiz last night.’
‘Lauren.’ I place a hand on her arm. ‘We always lose the quiz.’
‘But she thought Vientiane was the capital of Legos!’
I try – and fail – to hide a smirk. ‘But who is thicker? Kelsey for thinking Legos is a country or us for believing her and writing it down?’
Lauren doesn’t have an answer – or at least one she is willing to admit to – so she takes a couple of long sips of her wine instead. ‘What’s so urgent anyway? It’s supposed to be a gym day.’ I’m alarmed when I realise Lauren is wearing her gym gear – she doesn’t think we’re actually going to the gym after this, does she?
‘I can’t go to the gym. My knee.’ I lift the hem of my pencil skirt to show off the plaster Adam applied this afternoon. My bloody, ripped tights are bundled in the bin back at Brinkley’s. I’d managed quite well once it had stopped stinging after Adam applied some nasty-smelling ointment, but I can feel my limp returning. It has nothing to do with the prospect of the treadmill and cross-trainer, of course.
‘What happened?’ Lauren asks.
‘I fell over running for the bus this morning.’ I could have told Lauren the mugger-lie but her porky-pies detector is pretty sharp. ‘The pavement was all wonky. Hey!’ I sit up straighter, only remembering at the very last second to wince. ‘Do you think I could make a claim?’
Lauren is a solicitor. She focuses on divorce, but I’m sure she could give me some advice.
‘Probably. People claim for tripping up over their own shoes laces these days.’ Lauren peers at my plastered knee. ‘So how bad is it?’
I wince and groan. ‘So bad, Lauren. Adam was ready to take me to A&E for stitches. You should have seen all the blood. You could practically see my kneecap once all the blood was cleaned up.’
Lauren cocks an eyebrow. ‘Delilah…’
Uh-oh. I’ve laid it on a bit too thick. ‘But it isn’t as bad as it looks. No stitches required.’ I cover the plaster with my skirt in case Lauren decides to whip it off and examine my knee herself. ‘But I don’t think I’m up to the gym. It hurts.’
‘Why don’t you just do something gentle?’
Gentle? At the gym? ‘Like what?’
Lauren thinks for a moment. I can practically see the cogs turning in her brain, but we both know it’s useless. If there was a gentle option at the gym, we’d have used it every time.
‘Fine, we’ll miss the gym this once.’ Lauren takes another sip of her drink. She doesn’t look too put out about missing her workout, but then why should she? Lauren and I go to the gym twice a week but our main motivation isn’t to be fit and healthy (that isn’t even a minor motivation, in fact). We only go so Lauren can ogle Courtney, the gorgeous fitness instructor. She’s had a massive crush on him for ages and has roped me into her perviness.
‘So what’s this meeting about then?’ Lauren asks me but I’m not ready to divulge my stupidity just yet. I don’t want to have to confess all twice.
‘Wait until Ryan gets here and I’ll tell you.’
As though on cue, Ryan Ford, Best Friend Number Two (but not in a toilet-y way), wanders into the pub. Alone. Good. The less witnesses the better.
I’ve known Ryan for as long as I can remember, as he and his family moved into the house next door when I was two. According to Mum, the Ford family – Ryan and his parents, Eleanor and Phil – moved in one sunny Saturday in June. She remembers that it was sunny because she says she was wearing cut-off denim shorts and a bikini top (I can’t imagine Mum wearing a bikini. She won’t even strip down to a one-piece on holiday any more) and it was around a month before my birthday. She and Dad were discussing plans for my third birthday and Mum suggested, because it was so warm already, that we could have a pool party.
‘But we don’t have a pool,’ Dad had pointed out.
‘We’ll buy one of those inflatable paddling pools and dangle our feet in.’ Which we did. Thankfully I can’t remember it. ‘Ooh, hello there! Are you our new neighbours?’
Eleanor and Philip had appeared beyond the back garden fence and Mum pounced to introduce herself. The house had once belonged to an elderly couple who banged on the wall if you dared to sneeze, so Mum was pleased that a young family was moving in. Ryan was already in their back garden, kicking a football around. She pictured the seven of us (Ryan and his family, plus Mum, Dad, me and my older sister, Clara) getting together for barbeques and dinner parties.
It didn’t happen. Eleanor is a snob and she took one look at Mum’s cut-off shorts and bare midriff, stuck her nose in the air and scarpered into the house. She declined Mum’s offer of a casserole that evening (no thank you, we’re very fussy about what we eat) and Ryan wasn’t allowed to come to my pool party (my Ryan is a very chesty child. I don’t want him catching a chill). The dinner party invites never materialised.
Mum said she wasn’t going to mention how the house next door became vacant as it was quite grisly. The elderly neighbours had died in the house – the old fella in the armchair downstairs and the old girl in their bed – and the bodies weren’t discovered for at least three weeks (and only because Mum rose the alarm due to the lack of banging. When she played Dad’s T. Rex at top volume and there wasn’t so much as a tap on the wall in return, she badgered the local coppers until they investigated). She wasn’t going to tell Eleanor for fear of upsetting the woman, but it all slipped out over the garden fence when they were both pegging the washing out.
‘I do hope the smell hasn’t lingered,’ Mum said as Eleanor grabbed her half-full washing basket and scuttled back inside.
Ryan and I weren’t destined to be friends. Our mothers certainly weren’t. But Ryan was sent to the all boys’ prep school so I, being a girl, became a bit of a novelty. I haven’t been able to get rid of the dude since.
‘Ladies.’ Ryan flashes a charming grin as he saunters over to our table. Luckily both Lauren and I are immune to the magnetism that seems to draw women to him. We’ve seen Ryan at his worst (his worst being the time he threw up an entire kebab in the gutter on the way home from the pub, retching so hard bits of meat flew out of his nose. You can’t fancy a bloke after that).
‘The
