style="font-size:15px;"> He had simply been afraid. Admitting that was the hardest thing, admitting he was weak.
He’d imagined himself invulnerable. As long as he believed he feared nothing, as long as he believed he didn’t care, it must be true. But it was a lie. It had always been a lie. It was his caring for his mother, her disdain for him that had made it a burden. If he’d never cared, it would not have felt so heavy.
He did care. And he had failed. Now it all rested on him.
He wanted to rail against it. He wanted to scream as Zara said she did when she came to the woods alone.
“Did you feel better?”
“Not really. But I could breathe.”
The thought of doing that would have been impossible only a few hours ago. Because he was buried so deep inside himself, and screaming into the emptiness was letting it free. Letting that uncontrolled boy who had cared, but had failed, out to try again. He had buried that boy. That boy who had been wrong, perpetually, to those who should have loved him simply for breathing.
He had grown into a man who had felt nothing for far too long. Who had been paralyzed in the end when he was offered the world.
A man who couldn’t breathe.
He did his best to take a gasp of air, something, anything to fill his lungs. And then he shouted into the emptiness. Not words, just pain. Forcing it out of his body the best he could, clearing room so that he could breathe again. He wanted to be rid of the fear. Of everything he had allowed to stand in his way.
He had broken his own life. He could no longer blame anyone else. The one who held everyone at a distance. Who tried to prove to himself that the love he was offered was false. He had tested his mother. She had failed. She had failed and he had been glad because her love was so heavy.
He shouted again, the sound rough and raw in the silence. But when he was finished, he found that he could breathe again. Just for a moment it felt as if Zara was with him.
He wanted her to be. He realized that with blinding clarity as the sound of his voice faded into a distant echo. He wanted her to be with him so that neither of them would be alone again. But she could have anyone. Any future she wanted. She didn’t have to make a life with him.
But he would ask. He would beg if he had to.
He had closed himself off to caring, to needing anyone else for fear that he might fail. He might very well fail at this. He didn’t care. He wanted her, he wanted her forever, and that was worth the risk.
He would lay himself bare, open, without his heart and show it to her if need be.
But he would not let her walk away without a fight.
He was broken already. There was nothing to protect. And without her, he could never be put back together.
He did not know if he could be saved. But he knew one thing for certain: Her love was not heavy. It was light.
The only thing powerful enough to raise him back up from hell.
* * *
Everything inside Zara hurt. Everything on the outside of Zara hurt. She was pain wrapped in misery, rolled in regret and stuffed beneath the blanket she never wanted to emerge from. Of course, she couldn’t take up permanent residence underneath a blanket in the guest room at Julia’s. Convenient though it might be.
Today was her wedding day. She hadn’t shown up. It was also her first real Christmas in years. She hadn’t shown up for that either.
At least Christmas would keep coming. It always did. Every year, whether she was in a position to celebrate it or not.
Her wedding to Andres could only have happened today. The offer would never present itself again.
He betrayed you.
Yes, he had betrayed her.
She fought against the voice inside her that was shouting about the fact that he had betrayed her out of fear. That he had tried to push her away because things had gotten too intense between them. That he was doing to her the same thing he had done to Kairos. Testing her. Testing their love.
Well, even if it was true, she couldn’t allow him to get away with it. He couldn’t keep doing that to her. He was going to have to accept the fact that she loved him, and love her back, or they could have nothing.
She was tired of being alone, and she had realized that she could be alone even while sleeping in the same bed with him. If he kept her cut off emotionally, then they would never really be together. He had perfected the art of being alone in a crowded room, and she would not allow him to do the same thing with her.
She wanted to be different. She wanted to be loved. She wanted to feel close to him, not just skin to skin, but soul to soul. After a lifetime of being set apart, she didn’t think it was too much to want. Too much to ask.
She would never be whole, not without him. But she would find something. She was determined. She’d found...a fullness in her life at the palace. During her time with him.
She would not allow him to drain it all away just because he was scared.
It was well past noon. She should be getting out of bed. Julia had gone away to visit family for the day, and had told Zara that she could have the run of the house. Her response was to get back into bed as soon as Julia had left.
On the upside, Zara felt that she might finally have a friend. There were positions open within the school system for helping children learn to read that didn’t require special degrees. She could get on-the-job training. She was excited about that.
She’d been prepared to take her place as princess. To take her place at Andres’s side. But without him, she was back to being where she was before. Just Zara.
No, not just Zara. She was Zara Stoica, and she was no longer in hiding. She would do what she could, all that she could, with what resources she could acquire. She would start at the school, but maybe someday there would be more.
Something she could do to benefit children like her. Children without mothers. Without a real home.
Thinking about children made her stomach cramp. It was still entirely possible that she could be having Andres’s child. But of course, neither of them had talked about that when she stormed out last night. She hadn’t even let herself think about it.
But, even if she was having his baby, they didn’t need to be together. They would work something out.
She ignored the creeping feeling of dread that coated her skin in ice. The truth was, he was royalty. He was a very powerful man. If she was pregnant, he would probably take the baby from her.
Cross that bridge if you come to it.
It would be another week or so before she knew for sure. She would worry about it then. For now, she would just marinate in her pain.
She heard a very hard knock coming from the front of the house, and instinctively, she crawled in more tightly on herself, gripping the edges
