She heard a voice, combined with the knock, though she could not make out what the words were. The tone was loud, rough, very male. She found herself instinctively responding to it, uncurling and planting both sock clad feet on the floor.
She stood, and before she knew precisely what she was doing, she was walking out of the bedroom and toward the front door.
She knew who it was before she swung the door open and was met with a heartbreakingly familiar face.
Something inside her had known it was him. She was still connected to him, even though he had broken her. Even though she was angry. Even though she had left him at the altar. She knew that she always would be. No matter how far away she went, no matter how much independence she gained, she would never forget him. She would never truly leave him behind.
Part of her was horrified by that revelation. Part of her cherished it. Held it close. The same part of her that never wanted to let him go.
A foolish, foolish part of herself.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
Before she could draw another breath, his arm was wrapped around her waist, and he had drawn her in close, his mouth crashing down on hers. He was kissing her, deep, hard with so much passion. He was putting all of himself into this, and she recognized the difference. Recognized last night for what it really was.
She pulled away from him. “You coward,” she hissed. “How could you do that? To me? To us?”
“Because I am a coward,” he ground out. “I am a fool. I am everything you accused me of being. And I am sorry. Zara.” He cupped her cheek, brushing her hair back from her face. “I am so sorry.”
“Being sorry doesn’t take that kiss away. You touched her. You...you tried to hurt me. You did hurt me.”
“I know,” he said, his voice ragged. “I was so intent on destroying myself that I ignored the fact that I would be destroying you too. I had only just purposed to myself that I would tell you we would be partners. That there would be no feelings because I...I was afraid of wanting more. Then you said you loved me. I didn’t believe you loved me enough, Zara. Not because I thought you were a liar, but because I have never believed anyone could love me. In some ways, I did not think it would truly devastate you. I thought... I thought it might set you free. But I will not pretend it was entirely for you, I will not even pretend that I thought of you even a little bit as I did it. I thought of me. Of all the pain I wanted to spare myself. Of the long years spent watching the light slowly dimming in your eyes as I forced you to fall out of love with me by virtue of the fact that I am unlovable.”
“You are not.”
“I am an adult. I understand that the rambunctiousness of a child should not have the power to drive a mother away, however purposeful it was in the end. I do. But what it doesn’t change is the fact that...I wasn’t sorry when she left. And that feeling... It was much easier to feel that it was my fault since I was relieved that acting out had pushed her away.”
“It wasn’t you. And she was... She made it so hard for you. You were a small boy. Of course it was hard to be anything but relieved.”
“It made me want to test people,” he said. “Kairos. You. To see if I could get rid of you as easily. My brother is stubborn. He would not allow it. You... I am so sorry. No one should have stayed after what I did. I do not deserve your loyalty.”
She blinked rapidly. “Andres, I know what it is to lose people. I lost my family. It wasn’t their choice, but I lost them all the same. I know what it’s like to be afraid of suffering the same loss. It is why I... I was part of why no one ever got close to me in the clan. Because I could not bear to love another person again, out of fear. But you made me love you. Yesterday, I felt very much like I was living the same nightmare over again. But I realized that I was more than the things I had lost. Each person I have loved has added more to me. More to who I am. Including you. The loss of them, the loss of you, did not steal more than you gave. I am stronger for having loved you, and no matter what happens in the future, that can’t be taken away. No matter what happens, it will always have been worth it.”
“Even if you have to live the rest of your life with me?”
Her heart sped up, then stuttered to a halt, sinking down into her stomach. “I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because you wanting me isn’t enough. You marrying me isn’t enough. I need...”
“I love you,” he said, the words coming out rushed, intense. “I love you, Zara. I have not said that to anyone in more years than I can count. I have not once admitted to myself that I desperately wanted someone to love me since my mother.”
“Your mother...”
“I wanted her to love me, but it was always out of my reach. Better to have her gone. I told myself that. And I hated myself for it, but it was easier than admitting that...that I wanted very much to love someone and for them to love me back. That it destroyed me that I could not be what she wanted me to be. So it was easier to stop trying than to keep on and to fail. But I’m admitting it now. Because I’m more afraid of life without you than I am of making myself vulnerable. And that is a first.”
“You love me,” she repeated.
“Yes.” He held her close, his eyes intent on hers. “I do. Almost from the first moment I met you. But I couldn’t admit it. Do you think I routinely wash women’s hair?”
“I imagine you probably don’t.”
“Never.” He kissed her lips lightly. “And you imagine I am often captivated by small, burrowing creatures?”
“I am not a creature.”
“If you are, you are a creature I love very much. You are unlike any woman, anyone, I have ever known. You wanted to know me. Not the man I pretended to be. You wouldn’t allow me to be false with you. You have stripped my defenses, and that is why you are so dangerous to me. That is why I ran from you. Why I had to push you away. But as I stood there today, outside the church, alone, realizing you wouldn’t be there, I wanted to take it all back. I’ve never wanted to take back one of my actions more in all of my life. Not what I did when my mother left, not what I did to my brother. Your loss. Yours. That was the one I could not survive.”
“Andres.” She said his name because she could think of nothing else to say. She leaned in and kissed him. In that kiss she poured every word she couldn’t speak, every feeling she couldn’t fully identify. Everything she wanted him to understand.
When they parted, they were both breathing heavily.
“Marry me,” he said. “Not because you have to. Not because I have to. But because you want to. Because I would be lost without you.”
“Yes,” she said. “Yes.”
“You are the best Christmas present I could ever have received. But I don’t want to own you. I simply want to love you. So, as you were given to me, I give myself to you.”
“I accept,” she said. “And I couldn’t ask for anything better. I love you, Andres. Now and forever. If I had every choice in the entire world open up to me, I would
