sisters were still, and always would be, a massive part of his life. What must it have been like to never know when your parent was going to drop by? To wonder if this time, this birthday would be different? To feel unworthy of their time and attention, something that was a fundamental part of the parental role in Ash’s opinion. He knew all about shitty fathers... But at least he’d grown up knowing he’d mattered to both parents.
He gripped her knee tighter. The next time he saw Frank Newbold...
Essie flashed him a brief, grateful smile and then she tore through the last of the paper and looked on in wonder. Ash forced his fingers to relax. She wasn’t his business. They were just having fun.
It was a framed snap of Essie and Ben outside The Yard, their arms around each other and their grins, so alike, wide and beaming.
Essie’s eyes filled and she threw her arms around her brother’s neck.
Ash stilled, his breath trapped, a voyeur, an outsider on the growing sibling connection between these two. But he couldn’t look away, or leave. A sick part of him forced himself to see what his selfish, indulgent actions put at risk. The siblings stood for a proper hug. Essie turned her face, which was pressed to Ben’s chest.
Part of him had genuinely believed their chemistry would have petered out by now. That the insistent itch would have dissipated. But if anything, the need only intensified. Because now he knew Essie. He understood her quirky sense of humour. He could laugh at her strange English phrases and the way she’d translate them for his transatlantic education, and he reciprocated her enthusiastic desire for him, which seemed equally insatiable and only built in intensity with every day that passed.
Despite knowing the cost of deceit and betrayal—especially from a family member, one you should be able to trust with your life—the damage they wreaked. Despite knowing her past left her craving this relationship with Ben. Despite breaking his rules to have her only once, his resolve was steadfast. He couldn’t, wouldn’t offer her more than what they had right now. But was he ready to give her up?
He couldn’t be what she needed. He owed it to her, to his friend, to let her go now, before the toll of his selfishness grew.
His blood stilled as if turned to concrete. Before he could make an excuse and leave on some pretext or other, he heard familiar voices. He turned around in time to see his sister, Harley, and the others arrive. Perfect timing. He’d forgotten they were coming to The Yard’s opening night, he’d been so busy losing himself in Essie.
Harley flew at him with a squeal of excitement. He lifted her into a bear hug. She’d arrived from the States today with her fiancé, Jack, who split his time between Europe and New York.
Ash gripped his sister tighter than usual, earning him a searching stare when he released her to the ground. At least his sister hadn’t blamed him for his part in their parents’ split. She, too, had had her fingers burnt with Hal.
‘You look amazing.’ He kissed her cheeks, forcing his fingers to relax on her shoulders, and then shook hands with Jack and, behind them, Jack’s friend Alex and his fiancée, Libby. Ash made introductions and the group settled around the table as a waiter brought more glasses and a second bottle of Cristal.
Essie, Libby and Harley quickly fell into animated and excitable conversation and the other men started a debate about some upcoming English soccer game Ash had no clue about. He sipped his drink, a sense of unease capturing him as he watched the interactions around the table, as if from a distance. He’d done enough emotional wrangling for one night. Damn, enough for a whole year. But the unwanted thoughts pushed their way into his head anyway.
Fraud.
Outsider.
Pretender.
He almost snorted champagne out of his nose. He’d long ago sworn off wanting what his sister and Jack’s friend had. So why now did the hair at the back of his neck react to every look the couples shared, every touch, every unspoken communication? Because he knew he was short-changing Essie, like the men of her past.
He focussed on Essie, whose cheeks had pinked up nicely with the alcohol. She participated fully in the conversation with the other two women, who, Ash understood, had become close friends in recent months. But her gaze slid often to him, secret, non-verbal cues passing between them with every flick of her expressive eyes.
She was happy.
Ash’s unease lessened. Perhaps he was overthinking this. She’d never hinted she wanted more than sex. Great, addictive sex. He should go with the flow tonight. Enjoy his and Ben’s and Essie’s success. Enjoy his sister’s company and that of new friends.
The next time she looked up, he smiled back at Essie, his spirit lightening. During a brief lull in the chatter, Harley cleared her throat.
‘So, we have something to ask you.’ She glanced around the group, her eyes finishing on Jack.
Ash’s shoulders tensed to the point of cramping as chills raced down his spine. Harley looked far too happy.
‘We’re getting married. Monday,’ she said with a flourish and giggle.
The blow winded him. Married? They’d only just reconnected.
‘What? Since when?’ Ash reeled, his stomach tight.
Harley nodded, barely containing her joy. ‘It’s all arranged—we just planned it in the car on the way here.’ She leaned over to kiss Jack while the others offered congratulations and indulgent grins.
Of course. Because that was how most people planned the most important commitment of their lives—spur of the moment. He hated to be the voice of doom, but they’d only been engaged a few months... And they had history.
More importantly, had she learned nothing from his experience? From their father’s appalling behaviour, towards their mother, Harley herself and most recently towards Ash? All done in the name of so-called love.
Yes, he’d jumped in too soon, his engagement to Maggie impulsive, flushed with the enthusiasm of first love. And look where that had led. To heartbreak, and humiliation. To the ultimate betrayal. Its effects long-lasting, shaping him, controlling him, affecting his precious equilibrium even to this day. Affecting his ability to be open to someone new in his life.
He’d thought himself over it years ago, but now, years later, its effects still carried power. Because the lies outlasted all else. Discovering Hal had been the real partner in Maggie’s betrayal and that he had concealed it from Ash, from everyone, long after the affair ended, had sealed the fate on both his working relationship with his father and his personal one. Ash’s whole life as he’d known it had, in an instant, become untenable. His stomach rolled. He couldn’t bear to look at his father, let alone work with the man.
‘What about New York? Mum and Hannah?’ No way would Harley marry without her twin sister present. And was Hal flying in for the ceremony? He couldn’t be in the same room as him. Not yet. The betrayal was still too raw.
And what about divorce and infidelity and lies? He hadn’t exaggerated when he’d informed Essie of the reality of divorce statistics. And he’d seen enough professionally—inevitable prenups, prolonged bitter wrangling over assets, the financial and emotional toll of a commitment that seemed like a good idea at the time but didn’t last. Not to mention his personal prejudices...
‘Mum
