a vow. A reckoning of her own making was heading her way. All she had to do was choose the right moment to explain to this amazing man why she’d done what she’d done.
Piece of wedding cake.
HE DESERVED A damned medal. He’d spent the entire afternoon and evening with a fake smile plastered on his face, walked his sister down the aisle and kept his opinions to himself, when all he wanted to do was drag Harley aside and beg her to reconsider her rash decision. He couldn’t deny the ceremony, under a rose-clad arbour, had been touching. And Harley looked so happy—even he’d had a lump in his throat, especially when he’d glanced sideways at a stunning Essie and seen her pretty eyes shining with emotion.
And he was man enough to accept that his feelings were about him. His issues. Nothing to do with Harley and Jack, who’d had the wedding they’d wanted today—intimate, full of laughter and in exquisite surroundings.
But he couldn’t shake his demons.
His mother, too, looked beautiful, but her face was drawn and pale. She’d lost weight in the weeks since he’d left New York. It couldn’t be easy for her being here alone at her daughter’s wedding, her brave face fooling no one. And he’d left her behind to deal with the fallout of her rotten marriage. To deal with the public speculation. To deal with his shame.
Ash looked out across the gently sloping vineyards from the terrace where he’d detoured after a trip to bathroom. He sucked in air that felt too thin and willed his stray emotions back under control.
This whole fucking wedding thing had unsettled him anew. Not because he was still hung up on the ex not worth his consideration, but because Essie’s gentle probing over the last few days and his cathartic confessions had thrown up comparisons, ones between him then and him now, and the evidence was growing increasingly hard to bury.
He’d struggled to answer Essie’s questions about love, because the truth was he could hand on heart admit that he probably hadn’t loved his fiancée. Not the way he should have. The way Essie described with her fun facts and scientific evidence. No wonder his ex had looked elsewhere.
And it wasn’t the loss of that imagined love that had hurt so much. It wasn’t even the lies, the deception. What hurt the most was that he’d handed over control of his happiness to those unworthy of it. He’d held himself back for so long after Maggie, believing the worst, something he never wanted to experience again.
All he’d done was live a half-life in between and then hurt others in his frustration with himself, his mother in particular.
Perhaps he was incapable of the kind of love Essie described. A chip off the old block. As ruthless, selfish and incapable of a meaningful, honest relationship as Hal Jacob. Genetics must count for something. But would he ever know if he refused to even consider the possibility?
Essie.
She was so open, so honest and so giving. Way too good for him with his issues and his rigid rules and his impenetrable guard.
Ash spun towards the festivities. He’d left her alone for too long. Not that he could claim her as his date, but, between him and Ben, they’d managed to keep both of their single sisters occupied on the dance floor all evening.
He re-entered the conservatory, his stare scanning for her. Her ready touch was the only thing to ease his restlessness. Her bright smile. And her dirty laugh. Even her fun facts.
The way she looked up at him. The way she embraced their chemistry with her cheeky sense of humour and her quirky logic. The way she commanded her femininity with grace and steely determination, and a massive heart.
He found her talking with Ben at the edge of the makeshift dance floor. The happy couple and Alex and Libby slow danced under the twinkle of a thousand lights.
Ben saw Ash approach and lifted his chin in greeting before kissing Essie’s cheek and heading towards the hotel’s main foyer.
Her porcelain skin glowed pale under the lights and her eyes peeled back his layers, leaving him raw and more conflicted than ever.
‘Are you okay?’ She stepped closer, her stare flicking to the dance floor before settling back on his.
Ash threw caution to the wind and curved his hand over her hip. He hated that he couldn’t touch her when he wanted to. Hated that he’d left it to Harley to introduce her to his mother as ‘Ben’s sister’. Hated that the past he couldn’t let go, his hang-ups, had placed a filter across her pretty eyes.
‘I’m fine. Are you having fun?’
She nodded. Her hand brushed his, fingers lingering for a second. ‘You don’t look fine.’
He couldn’t fool her. ‘I’m just worried about my mother—she’s lost a little weight. I feel responsible.’
Ash guided her to a chair and took the one opposite. Her small frown and worry-etched eyes slayed him. He shouldn’t have said anything. Should have allowed her to enjoy the festivities while he attended his pity party, solo.
He clasped both her hands in his while his mind raced with all the ways he’d been an idiot.
‘Have you talked it through with her? I’m sure she doesn’t hold you responsible.’
‘She doesn’t, but being the messenger of doom sucks whichever way you look at it. I can never take it back, or undo the pain.’
‘But you were right. Better she heard it from you than someone else.’ She paled and looked away. ‘I feel guilty...about Ben.’ Her teeth pulled at her lip. ‘Don’t look at me like that.’ She stared at her lap, where her hands clenched.
He spoke softly, too uncertain of his own thoughts, motivations and emotions. ‘How am I looking at you?’ How did he feel about her revelation?
‘Like you expect my brother to march you to the nearest church with a shotgun aimed between your shoulder blades.’ She was too perceptive. Saw him way too clearly.
‘I—’
Had their secret-keeping days come to an end? A natural conclusion? Her limpid eyes lanced him, and he wanted to wrap her in his arms, to carry her out of here and kiss her until she looked at him as she’d done on Saturday night after their shower.
‘Why don’t we talk about it when we’re back in London?’ It was about time he manned up. Came clean with Ben. It was his responsibility. He hadn’t been able to keep his hands off her, despite his damned pathetic rules. Perhaps if he ended things now, he could go to Ben in all honesty and say, ‘It happened, but it’s over.’
His guts twisted with eye-watering force.
The thought of going back to being friends with Essie, or even acquaintances, left him more impotent and off balance than when he’d sweated his way down the aisle this afternoon with his sister on his arm and a hundred different divorce scenarios in his head.
But Essie deserved a full relationship with her brother. He wouldn’t stand in the way.
She looked over his shoulder
