One minute you’re all solicitude and tenderness and the next you’re acting as if you can’t spare two minutes to talk to me. It makes my head spin. And it reminds me—’ She broke off, biting her lip, and Rafael’s eyes narrowed.
‘Reminds you of what?’
‘My father,’ she said after a moment. She leaned her head back against the pillow and closed her eyes. If he’d shared something of his past heartache, then so could she. ‘My father because...because after he divorced my mother I never saw him again, as you know.’ Her throat thickened and she swallowed hard. ‘And before the divorce...he loved me. He acted like he loved me, anyway. He called me his little flower. He tickled me, he tossed me in his arms, he gave me presents and tucked me in at night...’ She gave a trembling laugh and brushed at her eyes. ‘To have his love, to feel so important, and then to be cut off completely...it was awful, Rafael. The worst thing that ever happened to me.’
‘The loss of a father is a very hard thing,’ Rafael said after a moment.
‘How did you lose yours?’
‘He... An accident.’ He looked away. ‘A terrible accident.’
Allegra wanted to ask more, ask about the history between their fathers, but in that moment she didn’t dare.
‘Your father left you that necklace in his will,’ Rafael said after a moment. ‘He must have cared, at least a little.’
‘Yes, but I don’t even know why he gave it to me.’ Allegra smiled sadly. ‘There was a note...he asked for my forgiveness, saying he’d cared more for his reputation than for me. But I don’t understand that at all.’
‘Who can say?’ Rafael answered. His voice was guarded, his jaw bunched. Allegra wondered what he knew and wasn’t telling. Or was she being paranoid?
‘I keep telling myself he really did love me. He must have loved me, but something happened...something that made him act the way he did, cutting us off. But I can’t imagine what it was.’
‘And I remind you of him.’ Rafael sounded cautious and diffident, and realisation scorched through Allegra.
‘Only because you keep changing,’ she said quickly. ‘It’s not as if—You don’t need to worry, Rafael, I’m not going to fall in love with you or something like that.’ She felt herself blush hotly as Rafael jerked back, almost as if she’d slapped him. Clearly the prospect of her falling in love with him was horrifying. Allegra rushed to fill the ensuing taut silence. ‘I’m not looking for love,’ she hastened to explain. ‘I’m not interested... I mean, any...relationship between us wouldn’t have to have that. I wouldn’t want it to have that. I want us to get along, of course, but... I’m not looking for love, not from you, not from anyone.’
She finally, thankfully, managed to make herself stop speaking. Rafael had sat back in his seat, his expression terrifyingly inscrutable.
‘Why not?’
‘Because love hurts,’ Allegra said simply. ‘Doesn’t it? To let someone matter that much to you. To let them hold your heart...because hearts can break.’ She let out a shaky laugh. ‘I sound fanciful, I know, but the truth is I don’t believe that old adage about it being better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’
‘So you’ve never been in love? Romantic love?’
‘No.’ She drew a quick breath. ‘Surely you realised that, considering...considering I was a virgin.’
‘There’s a difference between sex and love.’
‘Yes.’ Although for her she wasn’t sure there was. Her one experience with sex had been far too intense and emotional.
Rafael fastened his resolute gaze on her. ‘In any case, we will have a proper marriage.’
A flush swept over her at the thought of what a proper marriage would look like. Feel like. Could she keep herself from loving Rafael, loving the tender, caring man he could be when he wanted to, if she gave her body to him again and again? ‘I haven’t actually agreed to marry you,’ Allegra reminded him.
‘Yes, but it’s only a matter of time. For our son’s sake, Allegra.’
He was so aggravatingly arrogant. Allegra closed her eyes, overwhelmed by it all. ‘I asked you to give me time to get to know you,’ she said. ‘And for you to get to know me. But we can hardly do that when you hide away in your study all the time.’
‘I’m not hiding,’ Rafael snapped.
Allegra opened her eyes. ‘Rafael, as soon as you’d brought me here you disappeared. I don’t care how busy you are, that’s just rude. And cowardly.’ His eyes flashed fire and Allegra wondered if she’d gone too far. ‘Let’s just spend some time together.’ Surely there was no real danger in that.
Rafael was starting to look seriously uncomfortable. ‘What exactly are you suggesting?’
‘An hour or two every day,’ Allegra returned. That felt safe. ‘Meals spent together. Evenings...some conversation. We had a little bit of that in New York, didn’t we?’ A very little. ‘But you need to stop avoiding me.’
‘I’m not avoiding you. I am a busy man.’
‘Well?’ Allegra pressed, not to be dissuaded. As nervous as she was, she knew she wanted this. ‘That’s all I want, I promise.’
He leaned forward, his eyes glittering. ‘That’s all? Are you sure?’
Allegra’s breath caught because she recognised the look of ferocious intent in his eyes. Of course she did. She also recognised the hot swirl of longing she felt unfurl inside herself, a languorous warmth that was lazy and urgent at the same time, wrapping her up and making her want. Him.
She licked her lips, her throat and mouth turning dry. ‘I’m... I’m not ready for that yet, Rafael.’
‘The doctor said it was safe.’ His gaze roved over her, assessing, probing, demanding.
‘That’s not what I meant.’
‘I know.’ He leaned back in his seat, the heat in his eyes turning to a slow simmer. ‘But think about it, Allegra. It could be very enjoyable for us both. It will be.’
‘I... I know.’ She had no doubts on that score. How could she, when the memory of their one night together still had the power to scorch her? And yet...the memory of the awful afterwards had the power to scorch as well, in an entirely different and unwelcome way. Things had changed between them since then, but Allegra still didn’t trust Rafael—not in that kind of situation anyway. And, she acknowledged, she didn’t trust herself.
Rafael’s mouth curled in a lazy smile as his gaze raked over her once more. ‘Let me know when you are ready. It will be soon, I think.’
She looked away, unable to stand the heat of his gaze. ‘I will,’ she answered shakily, and then wondered just what she had promised.
RAFAEL
