totally to blame. Sound sensible? We hope not!
Unfortunately, humans fall into the all-or-nothing trap all too easily:
Imagine you’re trying to eat healthily and you cave in to the temptation of a doughnut. All-or-nothing thinking may lead you to conclude that your plan is in ruins and then to go on to eat the other 11 doughnuts in the pack.
You’re studying a degree course and you fail one module. All-or-nothing thinking makes you decide that the whole endeavour is pointless. Either you get the course totally right or it’s just a write-off.
© John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
FIGURE 2-2: All-or-nothing thinking.
Be realistic. You can’t possibly get through life without making mistakes. One doughnut doesn’t a healthy diet ruin. Remind yourself of your goal, forgive yourself for the minor slip and resume your diet.
Develop ‘both–and’ reasoning skills. An alternative to all-or-nothing thinking is both–and reasoning. You need to mentally allow two seeming opposites to exist together. You can both succeed in your overall educational goals and fail a test or two. Life is not a case of being either a success or a failure. You can both assume that you’re an okay person as you are and strive to change.
Fortune-Telling: Stepping Away From the Crystal Ball
Often, clients tell us after they’ve done something they were anxious about that the actual event wasn’t half as bad as they’d predicted. Predictions are the problem here. You probably don’t possess extrasensory perceptions that allow you to see into the future. You probably can’t see into the future even with the aid of a crystal ball like the one in Figure 2-3. And yet, you may try to predict future events. Unfortunately, the predictions you make may be unduly negative:
© John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
FIGURE 2-3: Fortune-telling.
You’ve been feeling a bit depressed lately and you aren’t enjoying yourself like you used to. Someone from work invites you to a party, but you decide that if you go you won’t have a good time. The food will unpalatable, the music will be irksome and the other guests are sure to find you boring. So, you opt to stay in and bemoan the state of your social life.
You fancy the bloke who sells you coffee every morning on the way to the office, and you’d like to go out with him on a date. You predict that if you ask him, you’ll be so anxious that you’ll say something stupid. Anyway, he’s bound to say no thanks – someone that attractive must surely be in a relationship.
You always thought that parkour would be fun, but you’ve got an anxious disposition. If you try the sport, you’re sure to lose your nerve at a crucial moment and just end up with a bruised ego and a physical injury.
Test out your predictions. You really never know how much fun you might have at a party until you get there – and the food could be amazing. Maybe the chap at the coffee shop has got a partner, but you won’t be sure until you ask. To find out more about testing out your predictions, have a read through Chapter 4.
Be prepared to take risks. Isn’t it worth possibly sustaining a few bruises for the opportunity to try a sport you’ve always been interested in? And can’t you bear the possibility of appearing a trifle nervous for the chance to get to know someone you really like? There’s a saying that ‘a ship is safe in a harbour, but that’s not what ships are built for’. Learning to live experimentally and taking calculated risks is a recipe for keeping life interesting and rewarding.
Understand that your past experiences don’t determine your future experiences. Just because the last party you went to turned out to be a dreary homage to the seventies, the last person you asked out went a bit green, and that scuba-diving venture resulted in a severe case of the bends doesn’t mean that you’ll never have better luck again.
Mind-Reading: Taking Your Guesses with a Pinch of Salt
So, you think you know what other people are thinking, do you? With mind-reading (see Figure 2-4), the tendency is often to assume that others are thinking negative things about you or have negative motives and intentions.
Here are some examples of mind-reading tendencies:
You’re chatting with someone, and he looks over your shoulder as you’re speaking, breaks eye contact and (perish the thought) yawns. You conclude immediately that the other person thinks your conversation is mind-numbing and that he’d rather be talking to someone else.© John Wiley & Sons, Inc.FIGURE 2-4: Mind-reading.
Your boss advises that you book some time off to use up your annual leave. You decide that he’s saying this because he thinks your work is rubbish and wants the opportunity to interview for your replacement while you’re on leave.
You pass a neighbour on the street. He says a quick hello but doesn’t look very friendly or pleased to see you. You think that he must be annoyed with you about your dog howling at the last full moon and is making plans to report you to environmental
