of a straight arrow (top) and curvy arrow (bottom) depicting that life trajectory will never be a straight line but rather experience many ups and downs along the way."/>
Figure 1.1 Your life trajectory will never be a straight line. Rather you will experience many ups and downs along the way.
As you look to the future, you know there will be more high points and more low points to come. Given that realization, you know that when things are going great, it's only a matter of time when some problem or challenge arises. The only question is how you will react.
With the benefit of more than 40 years of self-reflection, I know that when things are going well, I will be grateful and enjoy the moment. I will thank everyone who helped make it happen. I will find a way to really take in those good times and make them special: have a party to celebrate—even getting little crazy with a case of Chablis and some baby shrimp. However, before the party ends, I will ask myself what I will do when (not if) problems and challenges arise. That's when I know I will do two things: the first thing is, no matter what happens, I'm going to do the right thing. The second is I'm going to do the best I can. There's an enormous assumption here, of course: what is the right thing to do?
To prepare for that inevitability, all of us need people we can rely on who share our values. They are our sounding boards for helping us discern the right thing to do, especially if their perspectives are different than yours. (And, in the same way, you'll be a sounding board for them, too.) How do you find these people? They're among your family, friends, colleagues, and associates.
Let's say you've been working with someone who seems to be a self-reflective person. You make a point to invite this person to lunch and have a conversation about what's most important to him or her. You share a little about your sense of purpose and how you find meaning in what you do.
It takes me about 15 minutes of conversation to figure out whether someone is self-reflective or not. People who think deeply about things, who go beyond what's obvious or who don't view everything as “what's in it for me,” really stand out from the rest. These are the people you want to have in your inner circle, who will accompany you on your life journey and help you when you get off track. Even asking someone, “What matters most to you?” will give you insights. It's not only what they say, but how they say it. Do they answer as if they've thought about this before? Or is the concept completely unfamiliar?
Your sounding board isn't just for crisis response. Getting and giving input within a close group of people helps you maintain the balance that, as we all know, can be a moving target. And, to be honest, any of us can fall victim to rationalization. My wife, Julie, has said to me that, left to my own devices, I could convince myself of just about anything. So when she asks me, “Do you want to know what I think?” after 40 years of marriage, I know the only answer is “Yes!” Having close, trusted people as your sounding board will keep you honest with yourself.
It may be a case of having 50 things on your to-do list and believing you can magically create the time to get it all done. A friend/advisor who knows you well can point out the obvious: there is no way you can do all that you say you can do, and you'll only drive yourself crazy (along with everyone around you) as you futilely try.
Or you may be increasingly aware that you're out of balance. There are so many pressures on you and priorities competing for your time and attention (often work-related), and you just can't see a way forward. Guilt, frustration, exhaustion, and a general feeling of being overwhelmed may convince you that balance is impossible. But someone in your circle can give you an outside perspective, often from his or her own life experiences when faced with similar pressures or situations. Just knowing that someone had the same challenges and found a way through them can be greatly encouraging. Moreover, that person can help you find ways in which to experience more balance, to make choices, to give yourself permission to say no to what isn't a priority, and to find a way back to the center.
There may be times, too, when your life gets out of balance and you can't (or won't) see it. You say that something is important (family, health, etc.), but your choices reflect the exact opposite. Someone close to you can give you the reality check you need by pointing out that your words and actions aren't aligned. You're trying to project one image, but your actions display something else—in the most extreme, you've become a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde story. That kind of feedback can be a wake-up call that gets you back on track quickly, living the kind of life that is true to who you are and what you value.
Research shows just how important these outside perspectives are. Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist and researcher, observed that just asking yourself why you did something (or failed to do something) is not sufficient because many people do not have access to their unconscious thoughts, feelings, and motives. To help them discern their behaviors and why they behave the way they do, Eurich writes that people need to seek out “honest feedback from loving critics.”1 With this outside feedback and perspective, people can see themselves more clearly, which increases self-knowledge along with self-awareness. This kind of feedback, plus regular (ideally, daily) self-reflection by asking yourself probing questions, greatly enhances self-awareness.
RECALIBRATING YOUR LIFE BALANCE
I am often asked by students and executives alike: how do you know if you are really self-reflective and becoming self-aware? At the risk of being morbid, I tell the following story: imagine for a moment that after your annual physical, your doctor wants to meet with you. “I've been going through the results of your tests,” the doctor tells you, “and I'm going to be honest with you: you only have three days to live.”
Facing your imminent mortality, would you start feeling regret about what you wished you'd done differently? Are there people you've become estranged from? Do you regret broken relationships? Are you consumed with anger and resentment? Do you feel remorse for having taken advantage of someone? Then why not avoid all that now!
All of us are going to have three last days—we just don't know when they're going to be. Self-reflection helps us identify those areas in our lives we need to repair now. We own up to past mistakes, make amends where we can, forgive ourselves and others, and make the most of the time we have. Moving forward, we commit to treating people exactly as we would like to be treated (they don't call it the Golden Rule for nothing). Self-reflection can give you the peace of mind that you are sincerely trying to do the best you can every day, while being accountable to yourself for where and how you can do better.
Your life won't be perfect, but I guarantee it will get better. You will have more gratitude during the good times, because self-reflection will help you pause and be thankful. You'll have more peace of mind and clarity during challenging times, because you're committed to doing the right thing and doing the best you can do. Your worry, fear, anxiety, pressure, and stress will be greatly reduced, although not eliminated—welcome to being human! And there are folks who say a little bit of pressure may be helpful for getting things done. Unfortunately, that “little bit” of pressure can often become a lot and affect your health. But if you hunger for a life with more balance among those things that mean the most to you, self-reflection should become a regular habit.
Self-reflection isn't about perfection. You won't be perfectly balanced every day or even most days. We have busy lives and many things vie for our time and attention. Priorities change and challenges arise.
There is no formula or perfect answer to achieving life balance. It's a constant process of recalibration. Week to week as you look at your 168 hours, you'll see where you are in balance and out of balance. You'll make choices going forward to rebalance—more time with family, doing better with daily exercise, spending time with friends you haven't seen in a while. But our lives are too busy and complex to expect that we'll always be in balance.
