DBT For Dummies. Gillian Galen

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that was part of a behavior plan or is giving you difficult feedback. When this happens, sometimes it can be hard to see your therapist’s point of view.

      

When you’re struggling to see your therapist’s point of view, it’s helpful to ask yourself whether you’re confused or you’re noticing strong feelings about what they have said or done. Keep in mind that interpersonal challenges are best addressed when both people are regulated. The stronger your emotions are, the more difficult it is to see other points of view. Here are some ways to remain effective and see your therapist’s points of view:

       Take a few deep breaths, and make sure your breathing and heart rate are regulated.

       Note that your therapist is trying to help you reach your goals; ask yourself how your therapist’s perspective may be helping you achieve those goals.

       Ask yourself: What is the wisdom in your therapist’s position?

       Ask yourself: Do you want to be right or effective in this interaction?

      Coming to an agreement

      In close relationships, feeling misunderstood or angry can be very painful. So, how do you move forward when this happens with your therapist or someone you care for? One of the biggest barriers to coming to an agreement is that you’re unable to see another perspective, or you feel that if you change your position, you’re giving up, giving in, or letting the other person win. Here are some useful questions to ask yourself in order to help you come to an agreement when you’re stuck:

       Are you zooming out? As you try to come to an agreement, it can be helpful to zoom out. Think about the other person’s perspective. Does your therapist care for you? Is she trying to help you meet your goals? Could she have made a mistake? Is there wisdom in what she is saying? This technique can be very effective to use with other important people in your life when you feel misunderstood or are having difficulty seeing their point of view.

       Are you being effective? It can be a helpful reminder to ask yourself whether you’re being effective. Is the perspective or the point you’re making helping you get what you need? Are you delivering it in a skillful way that your therapist or the other person can hear? Are you maintaining your integrity as you make your point?

       Are you acting from a wise mind? As we discuss in the earlier section “Questioning Your First Reaction,” sometimes when you struggle to hold multiple perspectives, it’s because you’re acting from an emotion mind. Can you take a few breaths and connect to your wise mind? Your wise mind is the state of mind in which you have access to both what you feel about something and what you know or understand about something (see Chapter 9).

       Are you thinking the best of the other person? While you may be feeling strong emotions, this will help you refrain from forming negative judgments about the other person. Judgmental thinking tends to drive up already intense emotions.

      

People disagree with one another. It’s okay to skillfully disagree, and to see the wisdom in why the other person feels that way and then simply let it be. It is “agreeing to disagree,” which isn’t uncommon. You may also agree that one or the other person is correct. This can happen when you have both been able to be curious and open to the other person’s perspective or information. A third option could be that you come up with a new perspective that somehow synthesizes each of your perspectives. What you’ll notice is that throughout the process, you’re continually looking to open your mind to see ideas or perspectives you may have missed.

      Moving forward with a purpose

      

Once you have come to an agreement, it’s important to move on. For some, it can be challenging to let go of the experience and the emotions that came with it. We discuss this more in Chapter 10. Holding onto these challenging experiences can keep you in a past that has already occurred and can make it very difficult to stay in the present. Be mindful of judging the other person, and most importantly, be mindful of your own self-judgments or regrets.

Looking at Yourself with Friendly Eyes

      Accepting multiple points of view isn’t always easy, and when you get stuck, unable to expand your awareness, it can damage your relationships, interfere with work or school, and lead to you doing things that compromise your integrity or undermine your values.

      While you learn to be more skillful and able to keep multiple perspectives in mind, it’s critical to remember that we all make mistakes and get stuck thinking and acting from an emotion mind. To build this skill, you must find compassion for yourself and know that we all get caught in an emotion mind. For many people who are emotionally sensitive, these types of challenges can feed self-hatred and self-judgment, and when you practice that way of being, you feed the very feelings that make it hard to be skillful. If you’re going to embark on this practice, it’s inevitable that you’ll get stuck and return to an old way of doing things. Being kind and forgiving to yourself will help you step back onto the skillful path.

      

For some, finding self-compassion is no easy task. We talk more about this in Chapter 10. A short practice that many people find useful is to think about a friend who you care for and ask yourself how you would treat them if they were in a similar situation. This can be a helpful exercise because most people are able to find compassion for friends and loved ones, but can’t find that same compassion for themselves. Treating yourself as you would your close friend can help you be gentle with yourself and find you own inner friend.

Chapter 4

      Moving from Impulsive to Spontaneous

      IN THIS CHAPTER

      

Comparing impulsivity and spontaneity

      

Moving past your initial reaction

      

Opening up to other possibilities

      

Changing negatives into positives

      Impulsivity is one of the main reasons why people come into DBT treatment. It’s also one of the distinctive features of emotion dysregulation conditions such as borderline personality disorder (BPD). These impulsivity aspects of BPD encompass some of the most worrisome characteristics of the disorder, including

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