DBT For Dummies. Gillian Galen
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Many people come to DBT troubled by the intensity of their emotions. We have been asked by patients if we could simply make their emotions go away because the impact of their emotional sensitivity or reactivity has been so destructive to their lives that they believe living without emotions would solve the problem. If you’ve suffered this way, it’s an obvious conclusion to draw; however, living without emotions would be hugely problematic. Emotions have functions, and when they are effectively regulated, they provide us with critical information. It’s generally understood that emotions have three functions: to communicate to yourself, communicate to others, and motivate action. Think about how many interactions, decisions, and even thoughts are impacted by how you feel in a single moment.
In this chapter, you discover the value of increasing your emotional vocabulary. You find out how to identify and label your emotions, turn up and down the intensity of your emotions, and begin to pay specific attention to particular emotions that you may find challenging. Learning all of this will help you suffer less. Our hope is that in time and with practice, you can learn to love your emotions, even the ones that cause you pain.
Recognizing How You’re Feeling
The first step to recognize how you’re feeling is to pay attention. However, for people who struggle with intense emotions, the urge is to do just the opposite. Instead of paying attention, they tend to do things to avoid their emotions. Emotional avoidance can take many forms, from distracting yourself and never returning to the feeling, to telling yourself you should not or cannot feel that way, to using alcohol or drugs, sex, reckless behaviors, self-injury, or even suicide.
In the following sections, you begin to see how paying attention and using mindfulness will help you get to know your emotions and give you the power to control them. Recognizing your emotions takes practice, but once you’re familiar with the process, you’ll find that you can easily integrate it into your life in a way that will support your use of all of the other DBT skills in this book.
Distinguishing between primary and secondary emotions
One of the most frequent questions we get when we ask people to begin to pay attention to their emotions is how to do that. It does sounds daunting and abstract, especially if we are asking you to pay attention to something that you experience as aversive. Before you can pay attention to what you feel, you first need to know what you are looking for and how you would label it. The following sections discuss how to identify both primary and secondary emotions.
Primary emotions
Joy: A feeling of pleasure, happiness, or contentment
Love: An intense feeling of deep affection
Sadness: A feeling of sorrow or unhappiness
Anger: A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility
Fear: A strong feeling that something or someone is dangerous or likely to cause harm or threat
Guilt: A feeling of having done wrong, failed an obligation, or crossed a personal value
Shame: A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the awareness of foolish behavior or behavior that crosses societal norms and that leaves you feeling ostracized or different
Envy: A feeling of discontentment due to the desire to have a possession, attribute, or quality that someone else has
Jealousy: A feeling of uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, or fear of something deeply important to you being taken
Disgust: A feeling of revulsion or strong disapproval aroused by something unpleasant or offensive
Secondary emotions
Understanding your emotions would be a little easier if not for secondary emotions. Secondary emotions are where you may get tripped up. These emotions are most commonly the result of thinking about your primary emotion. Your beliefs, judgments, and attitudes about emotions move you into secondary emotions — for example, getting sad and then thinking that sadness is weakness and so getting angry. Sadness is the primary emotion, the one that makes sense in the context of what you just experienced, and anger is the secondary emotion resulting from your beliefs and judgments about sadness.