many of which are caused intentionally by other people, I do want to emphasize the necessity and power of learning from constant adversity. The biggest problem with this concept is this: Crises are really hard. That's why they're called crises. And we need help to make it through and turn them into opportunities. Navigating them is really a team sport. That's why we need to discuss connection.
CONNECTION
Picture a leader or a mentor you have a very strong relationship with. Someone you would now do anything to help if you knew they were in trouble. With them in your mind, now picture those hills and valleys of crisis. Each crisis in your organization and in your life has a valley when it was extremely hard. After that valley comes a time of solutions and changes, which often also has a lot of joy associated with them. When in those hills and valleys do you think of that person you are picturing? Are they only in your mind at the top of the hill? During the innovation and solutions and changes and joy? Probably not. Probably that person you pictured is there with you in the valleys as you went through hard times, as you learned hard lessons, as you grew as a leader. They were with you through thick and thin, as it were.
Even more than being with you as you grew as a leader, that person you chose is probably someone who was more than that. They were probably an important, maybe even critical, component of your learning and success. Great leaders and mentors are people you have conversations with, and you share where you are stuck, and they listen deeply and share their stories and perspective with you. They help you navigate and thrive through crisis. And the more challenges you navigate with them, the stronger your connection with them becomes. The opportunities for connection with leaders during such crises looks like this:
So now let's turn the table around. You are a leader with stakeholders. You have crises. Sometimes you have a whole lot of them. The people you lead have fears and concerns and challenges they need to transform into growth and opportunity. And the more crisis you discuss with them—the conversations you scale—that you help them navigate, the more opportunity you have for connection. And the reward for this connection is capital.
CAPITAL
Capital, again, is defined as the assets you have available for your purpose: There are many more forms of capital other than money. And just like a bank machine you need to put capital in the machine first so it's there for you when you need to withdraw. Capital isn't a magic thing you create alone using strong words about your mission and vision. Capital is earned. So, let's discuss three forms of capital you need to earn as a leader: Relationship, Process and Ownership. Then I'll discuss how conversation can help you attain your goals.
Relationship Capital
Relationship capital is best described as: Be that friend. The capital you gain from relationships can be generated by being agenda‐free.
Picture looking at your phone and seeing that a friend is calling you. Without picking up the phone you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they want something from you. Otherwise, they'd never call. We all have that friend, colleague or family member. Or maybe we are that friend. Who knows?
Now picture the last time you went out for lunch with a friend and you raced to buy them lunch before they bought it for you. When you see their number come up on your phone you want to make sure you aren't distracted when you pick it up because you're eager to speak with them.
The difference between those two people is relationship capital. One of those people has no capital in your bank and the other one does. The critical question is: What sort of actions and events filled their account? What sorts of things did they do and say to build up capital with you in a way that others have not? The answer to this question will be different for everyone but will also contain commonality. The people who we have relationship capital with reach out when they wonder if they can help, not only when they need help. They ask what is in your heart and on your mind when they suspect you are struggling. They share in good times without requiring all of the attention being focused on them. Most critically, they know how to listen openly.
The next question comes after you reflect on the sorts of things that put capital in your bank for other people: How can this time of unprecedented crisis be a catalyst for unprecedented creation of relationship capital in your organization? How can you be that leader? I'm soon going to dive into how to scale conversations and, before I do, I want to explore first the benefit of scaled conversations in terms of relationship capital.
There are questions leaders have asked handfuls, hundreds and even thousands of people amidst the coronavirus pandemic to help increase authentic relationship capital:
What challenges are you experiencing?
If remote work continues next year, what concerns do you have?
What hopes and concerns do you have about our future?
What is on your mind right now?
These questions scale perfectly from a one‐on‐one conversation to conversations with thousands as everyone shares their concerns, challenges and thoughts. The asker ensures they do the most important thing: Listen. Following listening may come actions, but listening needs to come first.
The idea that leaders need to scale their most simple relationship‐building questions is disarmingly simple, and I'll explore how to ensure entire organizations can feel heard and respected thanks to leaders asking the most simple questions. And the leader's role, that of actively listening to the answers people give about how they are feeling creates process capital.
Process Capital
Process capital is best summed up in the phrase “Never about me without me.” This capital is what can be generated when leaders include people who are affected by decisions in the decision process, fairly and transparently. Much has been written about fair process and a quick search can find articles on sites such as the Harvard Business Review talking about the components and benefits. Here is how I have synthesized the studies and suggestions as they relate to scaling conversations.
The idea of fair process breaks into two concepts. The core idea of “never about me without me” is that, as intelligent humans, people prefer to be listened to when decisions are made about them. Simple. When that is accomplished, capital is generated. Even when leaders make mistakes with a change or decision, the fact that they showed people they respected them and listened to their ideas goes a long way to keeping people motivated and connected to the organization.
The second concept of fair process is that people will support and prefer the outcomes of decisions with better process, even with worse outcomes in some cases. Research on this topic has uncovered some extreme examples where participants in study groups were found to prefer worse decisions that had a good process than better decisions with a poor process. I think of this as the “tasty bad dinner” phenomenon. The essence is, people will be happier in a worse restaurant with worse food, and the food will even taste better, if they felt the decision to go to that particular restaurant was fair. By contrast, people will find a reason to complain about excellent food in a fantastic restaurant if they don't like how they were forced to go there. We humans value fair process deeply.
The underpinning of all of this is trust. People don't need to have things go 100% their way and they understand decisions are complex and leaders can't make everyone happy. Rather than hope for their ideas to
