television” for which unsolicited and totally false asseveration they then proceeded to make me pay at length.
I would love to write for television. I love the form. I grew up with it. As a child I watched television ten hours a day. It was my dramatic training. I can imagine no greater fun than having my own television show and writing and directing for the same actors and characters every week. I was in at the conclusion of the “Hill Street Blues” series and had the time of my life. The “Hill Street” script, A Wasted Weekend, here included, is the only piece of television writing I ever did which got made.
Lovely exciting medium. What a shame.
Sour grapes? Most certainly. As I said, I love the form, and I wish I could have played along.
David Mamet
1988
A Waitress in Yellowstone
or Always Tell the Truth
Dramatis Personae
RANGER
WAITRESS
OLD MAN (OLD COUPLE)
WINNIE MAGEE
CONGRESSMAN JOHN LARUE
BOSS
COP
DOUG MAGEE, WINNIE’S SON (AGE 10)
RADIO ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER ONLY)
POLICEMAN
SECOND POLICEMAN
JUDGE
BAILIFF
LAWYER FOR CONGRESSMAN
CONVICT (FEMALE)
GUARD
BUS DRIVER
STATE TROOPER
SECOND STATE TROOPER
RALPH BLUM (THE MAGIC WOODSMAN)
Narrator takes stage. Dressed as park ranger.
RANGER: Winnie was a waitress. She worked for tips. Here is a tip: a bad situation generally grows worse.
Things which can get no worse improve. There are exceptions: here is not one. Winnie caught a guy lifting a tip off of her table. Told him “who do you think you are?” and she read him out to the onlooking crowd, what sort of you-fill-in-the-blank that he was . . . which he was.
It turns out this man was a congressman. In an election year. He had to keep a shining image in the public eye, which is exactly where he kept it.
Would have been better off to be what he wished to seem, but barring that he took the secondary course, lived like a thief and made the Public Pay.
Winnie and her son Doug. Had planned a trip to Yellowstone. To celebrate his Tenth Birthday. He'd, as you might imagine, looked forward to that trip all year. And it was the object of much of their talk and much of their joint happiness.
At the restaurant.
WAITRESS: Hey, Winnie, quit dreaming, table number three wants the check!
(OLD COUPLE.)
OLD MAN: Could I have the check, please.
WINNIE: Here you are.
OLD MAN: Thank you. See you tomorrow, Winnie . . .
WINNIE: No you won't, sir. Tomorrow my boy and I leave for our vacation. I'll see you in two weeks.
OLD MAN: Where are you going?
WINNIE: Yellowstone Park.
OLD MAN: That's right, you told me. Here's a little extra, you have a fine trip.
(The OLD COUPLE starts up to leave.)
WINNIE: That's very generous of you, sir . . . thank you . . . (Before she can gather the money, etc., she is called to another table.)
CONGRESSMAN: Miss!
WINNIE (to OLD MAN): Thank you very much.
CONGRESSMAN: Miss!
WINNIE: I'm coming! (To CONGRESSMAN:) Yes, sir?
CONGRESSMAN (of check): What is the meaning of this?
WINNIE (checking bill): Ninety-five cents, for a substitution. You had beans instead of the creamed spinach.
CONGRESSMAN: You never told me that.
WINNIE: Yes, sir, I did.
CONGRESSMAN: You certainly did not. You did not tell me that.
WINNIE: Yes, sir, I am certain, you said “I'll have the Special.” Look: It's not important. If you take the check to the boss, I'm sure that he'll . . .
CONGRESSMAN: Well, that's not the point, is it? The point is that you never told me . . .
WINNIE: Well, if that's true, I'm sorry, sir.
CONGRESSMAN: No: say you never told me . . .
WINNIE: Excuse me . . .
CONGRESSMAN: You owe me an apology.
WINNIE: I think that I apologized, excuse me . . . (She walks away. To another WAITRESS:) Some people have too much salt in their diet . . . (To CONGRESSMAN:) WAIT A SECOND WAIT A SECOND WAIT A SECOND: WAIT A SECOND THERE!
(She walks back to his table, which he has gotten up from. He is standing near the table vacated by the OLD COUPLE. To CONGRESSMAN:)
You wanna put something back? (Pause.) You wanna put something back, or you want me to call the police.
CONGRESSMAN: I don't know what you're talking about.
WINNIE: I'm talking about you just lifted my tip off of that table. Now: you put it back or I call the cops.
CONGRESSMAN: You're saying . . . (Pause.) You're saying I did whhh . . . ? Get out of my way. (Tries to push past her.)
WINNIE: In a pig's eye I will. Somebody call the cops! Somebody call the cops, this guy took my tip off the . . . (To CONGRESSMAN:) You aren't going anywhere!
BOSS: What's the trouble?
WINNIE: This guy took my tip off the table.
CONGRESSMAN: Lady, you're in a world of trouble here.
WINNIE: Well, we're just going to see . . .
COP: What seems to be the trouble?
WINNIE:
