guy lifted my tip off the table.
CONGRESSMAN: Not only is it not true, but I want to tell you you've just caused yourself a lot of pain. What's your name, Officer? I'm John Larue, I am the congressman for this district, and this deranged and sick individual has just slandered me. Pick her tip off the table? You know WHO I AM???
(The CONGRESSMAN sings about the exalted position he enjoys. He finishes singing.)
CONGRESSMAN: Now: I'll give you one last chance to retract what you said and take back your vicious lie, or you're going to wish you never were born.
WINNIE: Well, to wish you never were born you have to be born. Which gives you the option, and I think I'll stick with the truth. You should be ashamed of yourself. Good-bye.
(The COP takes the CONGRESSMAN away.)
WINNIE: What kind of a world is it? That guy should be setting an example . . .
(WINNIE and the assembled CUSTOMERS sing “What Kind of a World Is It?” peppering the song with examples from their own lives. The second verse is: “On the Other Hand,” where WINNIE sings about some of the good things which may be had simply in life, in her case, the trip with her son to Yellowstone Park.
As the clock strikes twelve she sings “My Day Is Done, and I'm Going on Vacation,” and leaves the restaurant. She walks home.)
WINNIE: Look at the stars, what a beautiful night it is. Always various. (She walks into her house.) Look at my son, isn't he gorgeous. And now we have all this vacation time to be alone together. All the rest is basically illusion.
RANGER: And so she fell asleep, and she and her son dreamed the same dream. In which they were in Yellowstone Park, high upon a ridge, upon a summit, looking down, and they saw mountain sheep, and they saw deer, and when the rain came unexpectedly they made a shelter from a fallen tree. And as in the wild of sleep and as in the wild of the forest their cares fell away. And when Winnie awoke, she saw her son, already dressed, sitting at the breakfast table, and he had made her a cup of tea.
(N.B. They are both dressed in full camp regalia.)
WINNIE: Good morning. What are you doing up so early?
DOUG: Oh, I couldn't sleep.
WINNIE: Why? You worried about school, shouldn't you be off to school?
DOUG: Well, I thought I wouldn't go to school today?
WINNIE: Wouldn't go to school? Why, of course, you have to go to school today, why wouldn't you?
DOUG: ’CAUSE WE'RE GOING TO YELLOWSTONE PARK!!!!!
(They jump up and down and sing a song about how they must make sure they've taken the right things. They sing about the contents of a rucksack, and emergency gear, which they inspect on each other's person. This gear includes: waxed matches in a waterproof container [several containers secreted in various parts of the clothing and generally high up to keep them dry should one fall into waist-high water], a compass, a spare compass, a topographic map of the area to be camped in. A candle for helping to light fires, needle and thread, steel wool which, though it is not generally known, is, in its superfine variety, great tinder and can just be wrung out when wet, extra clothing, rain gear, pencil and paper, fishing line and hook, bandages, whistle, etc. They finish the song, and, having checked each other out, decide that they are ready to proceed to the bus, which they have ten minutes to catch. In deciding which coat to wear, they turn on the radio to catch a weather report.)
DOUG: I can't believe we're really going.
WINNIE: Have I ever lied to you?
DOUG: No!
WINNIE: Well, then, there you are.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (voice over): In other news, Congressman John Lame, up for reelection, yesterday was accosted for the misdemeanor of Attempting to Defraud of Services, or, to put it simply, a waitress at a restaurant he frequents, accused the Congressman of lifting her tip off her table.
WINNIE: . . . come on, let's get out of here . . .
CONGRESSMAN (voice over): You know, it's easy to accuse, and, I think by far the simplest thing would be to let this sick accusation pass, and go my way, but there comes a time . . .
WINNIE: Turn that creep off, let's go to the country . . .
DOUG (turns off radio): What'd he do?
WINNIE: The creep. Lifted a tip off of a waitress's table. Can you believe that?
DOUG (opening door): What a life.
WINNIE: On to the Wilds!
(In the door are two burly plainclothes POLICEMEN.)
POLICEMAN: Winnie Magee?
WINNIE: I . . . uh, what is it?
POLICEMAN: Are you Ms. Winnie Magee?
WINNIE: I can't talk to you now, we have to catch a bus.
POLICEMAN: ARE YOU WIN . . . ?
WINNIE: Yes, but I can't talk . . .
POLICEMAN (simultaneously with “talk"): You're under arrest. Would you come with us, please?
WINNIE: I . . .
DOUG: Wait, you can't, what's this all . . . ?
POLICEMAN: Slander, Malicious Mischief, Defamation of Character, would you please . . . ?
WINNIE: Who, what . . . ?
DOUG: What are you doing to my mother?
SECOND POLICEMAN: She insulted a congressman, kid.
WINNIE: But we . . . we just have ten minutes to catch the bus . . .
(They are in a court of law.)
And we're going to Yellowstone P . . . what is this, what's going on here . . . ?
JUDGE: You are accused of wantonly, maliciously, and with malice aforethought having verbally assaulted, insulted, and impugned the character of one John Larue, Congressman for the Seventh District of. . .
WINNIE: HOLD ON A SECOND. I insulted wh . . . ?
JUDGE: You have no voice in this court, would you please, who is your counsel?
WINNIE: Say that again?
BAILIFF: Who's your lawyer?
WINNIE: I don't have a lawyer, why should . . . What's going on here? (Pause.) Come on, I have to catch a bus. (Pause.)
JUDGE: You are accused by the Congressman here (CONGRESSMAN stands) of, in simple terms, of lying about him in such a way as to damage his reputation.
WINNIE: Ah.
JUDGE: When you said that he stole your tip.
WINNIE: He did steal my tip.
JUDGE:
