about the cook?
CHRISTOPHER We’ll fix the cook. We’ll tell her he told us to tell her he told us he doesn’t want to open the shop.
WEINBERL What happens when she tells him we told her he told us to tell her he told us—
CHRISTOPHER The cook …
GERTRUD (offstage) Isn’t it time you opened the shop—it’s gone two o’clock.
WEINBERL She’ll do for us … Get me out of this!
Christopher pulls the uniform tunic over Weinberl’s head. Gertrud appears.
GERTRUD So you’re still in two minds, Herr Zangler?
CHRISTOPHER He is, and he’s half out of both of them. (to Weinberl loudly) It’s Gertrud, Herr Zangler … Get it?
All Weinberl’s lines are muffied and unintelligible and furious. Weinberl speaks.
WEINBERL Got it!
GERTRUD Twenty-three Carlstrasse, Miss Blumenblatt’s.
This is the wrong answer and Weinberl speaks even more furiously.
CHRISTOPHER Master says find Mr Weinberl and tell him not to open the shop this afternoon.
GERTRUD Don’t open the shop. Tell Mr Weinberl.
Weinberl again.
CHRISTOPHER Strict orders, he says, and now he would be obliged if you would be so kind as to leave him.
GERTRUD That doesn’t sound like him.
Weinberl dances about and roars. Christopher goes as though to help him into the tunic. Gertrud speaks as she leaves.
That does.
CHRISTOPHER (pulling the tunic over Weinberl’s head) She’s gone.
WEINBERL And now, best foot forward.
CHRISTOPHER I’ll get my worsted stocking.
WEINBERL Is that necessary?
CHRISTOPHER It’s got my savings in it.
WEINBERL I’ll get mine and we’ll be off.
Door slam and jingle of spurs.
ZANGLER (offstage) Gertrud!
WEINBERL God in heaven he’s back again!
Christopher picks up Weinberl’s discarded clothes and runs off towards the shop. Spurs however still approach.
I can’t let him see me like this!
Before Weinberl can follow Christopher, Gertrud enters from the kitchen and Weinberl dives behind the furniture. Zangler enters at the same time.
ZANGLER (shouts) Marie! Damn and blast it, that swinehound Sonders is nowhere to be seen in the village, and he didn’t leave on the coach and Marie’s window is open! God in Himalayas!—If I keep having to come back I’ll miss the parade. I told you not to let Marie out of your sight.
GERTRUD You told me to find Weinberl and tell him—
ZANGLER Don’t tell me what I told you—search her room. If she’s got out of her Scottish get-up, ten to one he’s up there trying it on. I’ll keep watch in the garden if I can find a place to hide.
GERTRUD Stand in the herbaceous border.
They leave in different directions. Weinberl comes out from behind the furniture and runs into the shop, looking for his clothes.
Zangler’s shop.
Weinberl enters, calling for Christopher. But he has only just entered when the trap door in the floor starts coming up and he dives into a cupboard, or perhaps under the counter. Sonders and Marie, dressed in a voluminous, tartan, hooded cape, emerge from the cellar.
SONDERS It’s all right—it’s deserted—courage mon amour—
MARIE Oh, August—we mustn’t—it’s not proper.
SONDERS Now’s our chance—we can escape by the shop door while they’re searching round the back.
MARIE Oh, but it’s not proper.
SONDERS Don’t you love me?
MARIE You know I love you but I don’t want to run away—
SONDERS Elopement isn’t running away, it’s running towards.
MARIE It’s not proper.
SONDERS Is it proper for your guardian to behave as if he owns you?
MARIE Yes. That’s why they call it property. I think. Oh, August, you’re a terrible man, kiss me again. You made me feel all funny down there.
He embraces her, more inside her cape than out.
SONDERS Oh, Marie!
MARIE I mean in the cellar—Oh, somebody’s coming!
SONDERS Hide in here!
MARIE No, it isn’t prop—!
He dives into Weinberl’s cupboard, pulling her after him. Christopher enters from a second door with Weinberl’s clothes, calling for him and running out of the shop. The cupboard door bursts open. Marie comes out, Sonders comes out and Weinberl’s legs come out. Weinberl is lying on his front.
SONDERS Someone has been eavesdropping on us—
MARIE I thought it was a squash in there.
Sonders drags Weinberl out by his heels, or spurs. He and Marie are aghast to find that Zangler seems to be lying on the floor with his face still in the cupboard.
Sonders and Marie kneel down and bow their heads as Weinberl gets unsteadily to his feet. Weinberl gazes down on to the crowns of their heads.
MARIE Oh, my uncle!
SONDERS Oh, my God—Herr Zangler!
MARIE
