That shows modesty.
MELCHIOR Your humble servant, sir.
ZANGLER Yes, all right.
MELCHIOR Classic!
ZANGLER Only you’ll have to stop using that word. It’s stupid.
MELCHIOR There’s nothing stupid about the word. It’s just the way some people use it without discrimination.
ZANGLER Do they?
MELCHIOR Oh yes. It’s absolutely classic. What are my duties?
ZANGLER Your duties are the duties of a servant. To begin with you can make my old uniform look like new—and if that tailor shows his face tell him to go to hell.
Enter tailor, HUPFER. Hupfer brings with him Zangler’s new uniform on a tailor’s dummy. The complete rig-out includes a ridiculous hat with feathers etc., polished riding boots with monstrous shining and very audible spurs, and the uniform itself which is top heavy with gold buttons and braid etc. Leather strapping supports holsters for knife, gun, sword … The general effect is sporting and musical. The new uniform is brighter than the old, which is bright. The tailor is only responsible for the clothes. The rest of the stuff is already in the room.
HUPFER Here we are—the masterpiece is ready.
ZANGLER You managed it, my dear Hupfer! In the nick of time.
MELCHIOR Go to hell.
ZANGLER Shut up!
MELCHIOR (to the dummy) Shut up!
HUPFER Well, with the help of two journeyman tailors I have done the impossible—let me help you into it.
MELCHIOR Too small.
HUPFER (reacts to Melchior) I see you have a new servant, Herr Zangler.
ZANGLER (cheerfully) Oh yes. I woke up this morning feeling like a new man. So I got one.
HUPFER Trousers.
MELCHIOR Too tight.
HUPFER (wary distaste) He’s a personal servant, is he?
ZANGLER Yes, he is a bit, but I like to give youth a chance and then I like to kick it down the stairs if it doesn’t watch its lip.
MELCHIOR I worked for a tailor once. I cooked his goose for him.
HUPFER There we are.
MELCHIOR Everything went well until I got confused and goosed his cook.
ZANGLER Pay attention. You may learn something.
MELCHIOR After that he got a valet stand.
ZANGLER You’ll see how a trouser should fit … except it’s a bit tight isn’t it?
It is more than a bit tight.
HUPFER Snug.
ZANGLER Snug? I’d be in trouble if I knelt down. I’m thinking of my nuptials.
HUPFER It’s the pressing.
ZANGLER Exactly. I don’t want them pressed.
HUPFER Try the tunic.
ZANGLER I like the frogging.
HUPFER Can we please keep our minds on the tunic. Now let me help you.
ZANGLER It’s somewhat constricted, surely.
HUPFER That’s the style.
ZANGLER But it’s cutting me under the arms, the buttons will fly off when I sit down, and I can’t breathe.
HUPFER It’s a uniform, it is not supposed to be a nightshirt.
ZANGLER I don’t understand it. You took my measurements.
MELCHIOR Well that explains it. If God had been a tailor there’d be two and a half feet to the yard and the world would look like a three-cornered hat …
ZANGLER And it’s a day late.
MELCHIOR And it would have been a day late. We’d all be on an eight-day week.
ZANGLER Shut up.
MELCHIOR (to the dummy) Shut up.
ZANGLER I suppose it will have to do, at a pinch. How do I look?
MELCHIOR I’d rather not say.
ZANGLER I order you—how do I look?
MELCHIOR Classic.
ZANGLER Shut up!
MELCHIOR (to Hupfer) Shut up!
HUPFER You dare to let your servant speak to me like that?
MELCHIOR In the livery of the Zanglers I am no man’s minion.
ZANGLER That’s well said. What’s your name?
MELCHIOR Melchior.
ZANGLER Melchior, throw this man out.
HUPFER Don’t touch me! You, sir, received your measurements from nature. The tailor’s art is to interpret them to your best advantage, and move the buttons later. My humble respects. I will leave my bill.
MELCHIOR (thrusting the dummy at Hupfer) Oh no you won’t—you’ll take him with you!
Exit Hupfer with dummy.
What should I do next?
ZANGLER There’s a coach leaving for town in five minutes. I want you to be on it.
MELCHIOR It’s been a pleasure. I usually get a week’s money.
ZANGLER No, no, my dear fellow, I want you to go to Vienna and engage a private room at the Black and White Chop House. Order a good dinner for two and wait for me there.
MELCHIOR
