Sonders goes.
ZANGLER You prattling old fool, who asked you to open your big mouth?
GERTRUD You’re upset. I can tell.
ZANGLER Where is Marie?
GERTRUD She’s upstairs trying on her Scottish travelling outfit you got her cheap from your fancy.
ZANGLER My fancy? My fiancée! A respectable widow and the Madame of ‘Madame Knorr’s Fashion House.’
GERTRUD I thought as much—so it’s a betrothal.
ZANGLER No it isn’t, damn your nerve, it’s a hat and coat shop! Now get out and send in the new servant. And don’t let Marie out of your sight. If she and Sonders exchange so much as a glance while I’m gone I’ll put you on cabbage-water till you can pass it back into the souppot without knowing the difference.
Exit Gertrud.
This place is beginning to lose its chic for me. I bestride the mercantile trade of this parish like a colossus, and run a bachelor establishment second to none as far as the eye can see, and I’m surrounded by village idiots and nincompetent poops of every stripe. It’s an uphill struggle trying to instil a little tone into this place.
There is a knock on the door.
Entrez!
There is a knock on the door.
(Furiously) Come in!
Enter MELCHIOR.
MELCHIOR Excuse me, are you the shopkeeper, my lord?
ZANGLER You do me too much honour and not enough. I am Herr Zangler, purveyor of high-class provisions.
MELCHIOR I understand you are in desperate need of a servant.
ZANGLER You understand wrong. There’s no shortage of rogues like you, only of masters like me to give them gainful employment.
MELCHIOR That’s classic. And very true. A good servant will keep for years, while masters like you are being ruined every day. How’s business by the way?—highly provisional, I trust?
ZANGLER You strike me as rather impertinent.
MELCHIOR I was just talking shop. Please disregard it as the inexperience of blushful youth, as the poet said.
ZANGLER Do you have a reference?
MELCHIOR No, I just read it somewhere.
ZANGLER Have you got a testimonial?
MELCHIOR (producing a tattered paper) I have, sir. And it’s a classic, if I say so myself.
ZANGLER Do you have any experience in the field of mixed merchandise?
MELCHIOR Definitely, I’m always mixing it.
ZANGLER Well, I must say, I have never seen a testimonial like it.
MELCHIOR It’s just a bit creased, that’s all.
ZANGLER ‘Honest, industrious, enterprising, intelligent, responsible, cheerful, imaginative, witty, well-spoken, modest, in a word classic …’
MELCHIOR When do you want me to start?
ZANGLER Just a moment, aren’t you forgetting the interview?
MELCHIOR So I am—how much are you paying?
ZANGLER Six guilders a week, including laundry.
MELCHIOR I don’t do laundry.
ZANGLER I mean the housekeeper will wash your shirts.
MELCHIOR That’s classic. I like to be clean.
ZANGLER And board, of course.
MELCHIOR Clean and bored.
ZANGLER And lodging.
MELCHIOR Clean and bored and lodging—
ZANGLER All included.
MELCHIOR Ah, board and lodging. How about sharing a bed?
ZANGLER I won’t countenance immorality.
MELCHIOR Own bed. As for the board, at my last place it was groaning fit to bust, the neighbours used to bang on the walls.
ZANGLER I assure you, no one goes hungry here: soup, beef, pudding, all the trimmings.
MELCHIOR Classic. I always have coffee with my breakfast.
ZANGLER It has never been the custom here for the servant to have coffee.
MELCHIOR You wouldn’t like me to drink liquor from the stock.
ZANGLER Certainly not.
MELCHIOR I should prefer to avoid the temptation.
ZANGLER I’m glad to hear it.
MELCHIOR Agreed, then.
ZANGLER What? Well, if you do a good job … coffee then.
MELCHIOR From the pot?
ZANGLER Ad liberandum.
MELCHIOR Is that yes or no?
ZANGLER Yes.
MELCHIOR Sounds classic. Was there anything else you wanted to ask me?
ZANGLER No … I don’t think so.
MELCHIOR Well, that seems satisfactory. You won’t regret this, sir—I have always parted with my employers on the best of terms.
ZANGLER You have never been sacked?
MELCHIOR Technically, yes, but only after I have let it be known by subtle neglect of my duties that the job has run its course.
ZANGLER That’s very considerate.
MELCHIOR I don’t like to cause offence by giving notice—in
