In the shop—now closed—a cash-canister zings along the wire to Marie in her gilded cage.
Zangler’s shop.
The shop is closed. Weinberl and Christopher are absent. Sonders, half hidden, has sent the canister. Zangler is on to him.
ZANGLER Sonders!
MARIE Uncle!
SONDERS Herr Zangler!
ZANGLER Unhand my foot, sir!
SONDERS I love your niece!
ZANGLER (outraged) My knees, sir? (mollified) Oh, my niece. (outraged) Well, my niece and I are not to be prised apart so easily, and nor are hers, I hope I make my meaning clear?
SONDERS Marie must be mine!
ZANGLER Never! She is a star out of thy firmament, Sonders! I am a Zangler, provision merchant to the beau-monde, top board for the Cheesemongers and number three in the Small Bore Club.
SONDERS Only three?
ZANGLER Do you suppose I’d let my airedale be hounded up hill and—my heiress be mounted up hill and bank by a truffle-hound—be trifled with and hounded by a mountebank?! Not for all the tea in China! Well, I might for all the tea in China, or the rice—no, that’s ridiculous—the preserved ginger then—no, let’s say half the tea, the ginger, a shipment of shark-fin soup double-discounted just to take it off your hands—
SONDERS All you think about is money!
ZANGLER All I think about is money! As far as I’m concerned any man who interferes with my Marie might as well have his hand in my till!
SONDERS I make no secret of the fact that I am not the éminence grise of Oriental trade, but I have expectations, and no outstanding debts.
A man, a FOREIGNER, visible in the street, starts knocking on the shop door. Marie has emerged from her cage and goes to deal with it.
FOREIGNER Grus Grott! (He enters and shakes hands all round.)
ZANGLER We’re closed for lunch. What expectations?
FOREIGNER Enshuldigen!
ZANGLER Closed!
FOREIGNER Mein heren! Ich nicht ein customer …
ZANGLER What did he say?
MARIE I don’t know, Uncle, I think he’s a foreigner.
FOREIGNER Gut morgen—geshstattensie—bitte shorn—danke shorn …
ZANGLER We’re closed! Open two o’clock!
FOREIGNER Ich comen looken finden Herr Sonders.
ZANGLER Here! Sonders!
FOREIGNER Herr Sonders?
ZANGLER No, there Sonders.
FOREIGNER Herr Sonders? Ich haben ein document.
ZANGLER He’s a creditor!
FOREIGNER Herr Sonders!
ZANGLER No debts, eh?
FOREIGNER Ja—dett!—
SONDERS Nein, nein—I’m busy. Comen backen in the morgen.
Sonders ushers the foreigner out of the shop. The foreigner is in fact a legal messenger who has come from Belgium to announce the death of Sonders’s rich aunt. He succeeds in this endeavour at the end of the play.
ZANGLER I thought you said you had no debts!
SONDERS No outstanding debts—run-of-the-mill debts I may have. I probably overlooked my hatter, who is a bit short. But as for my expectations, Herr Zangler, I have the honour to inform you that I have a rich aunt in Brussels.
ZANGLER A rich aunt in Brussels! I reel, I totter, I am routed from the field! A rich aunt in Brussels—I’m standing here with my buttons undone and he has a rich aunt in Brussels.
SONDERS She’s going to leave me all her money.
ZANGLER When is that?
SONDERS When she’s dead, of course.
ZANGLER Listen, I know Brussels. Your auntie will be sitting up in bed in a lace cap when Belgium produces a composer.
SONDERS I hope so because while she lives I know she’ll make me a liberal allowance.
ZANGLER A liberal allowance!? How much is that in Brussels? I’m afraid I never do business on the basis of grandiloquent coinage, and in the lexicon of the false prospectus ‘a liberal allowance’ is the alpha and oh my God, how many times do I have to tell you?—I will not allow my ward to go off and marry abroad.
SONDERS Then I’ll stay here and marry her, if that’s your wont.
ZANGLER And meanwhile in Brussels your inheritance will be eaten to the bone by codicils letting my wont wait upon her will like the poor cat with the haddock.
SONDERS The what?
ZANGLER Look to the aunt! Don’t waste your time mooning and skulking around my emporium—I’m sending Marie away to a secret address where you will never find her, search how you will. (to Gertrud who has entered with Zangler’s old uniform) What is it?!
GERTRUD Twenty-three Carlstrasse, Miss Blumenblatt’s.
SONDERS Twenty-three Carlstrasse …! Miss Blumenblatt’s!
ZANGLER (spluttering) You old—you stupid—
GERTRUD Should I let Marie have the new travelling case?
ZANGLER —old baggage!
GERTRUD Not the new travelling case …
SONDERS (leaving) My humble respects …
GERTRUD Here is your old uniform. And the new servant has arrived.
SONDERS Your servant, ma’am!
GERTRUD
