this area, let us strive to be more like our grandchildren, rather than teaching them to be like us!
Let’s admit it: Many of us love to judge. We all do it sometimes. We judge whether an outfit looks good on someone. We judge whether a home is neat and attractive. We judge whether children are well-behaved. We judge the quality of the produce we buy for dinner, the data in a report we are reviewing, the value of an item compared to the cost we must pay. We might say judging is important because it helps us make good decisions.
The problem, Saint Paul tells us, is when we judge other people. He admits, “Indeed, I wish everyone to be as I am, but each has a particular gift from God, one of one kind and one of another” (1 Cor 7:7). As Christians we are called to accept the differences between us and the unique qualities that belong to each of us. We are asked to see others (and ourselves) as God sees them. We are told that it is possible to see Jesus in every person because he lives in each one of us.
I don’t know about you, but I am not very good at seeing Jesus in others. I have never turned around and seen Jesus pushing his cart too close to me in a checkout line. I have never seen Jesus driving the car that just cut me off. I have never seen Jesus instead of the woman who is blowing cigarette smoke my way as we pass on the sidewalk. All I see are human faces that belong to people who at the moment are annoying me and making it difficult for me to accept rather than judge. Although I am not good at seeing Jesus in others, I have had some success imagining Jesus with other people.
We can begin by imagining Jesus with our grandchildren. We can imagine Jesus running with them to the playground, sitting with them building blocks, or laying with them on a pile of pillows watching television. Once we have gotten used to seeing Jesus with our grandchildren we can try imaging Jesus with someone we might be judging.
My first attempt at this strategy brought me to laughter. An older man, whom I had judged to be arrogant and foolish, roared past me on the road in a convertible sports car that screamed midlife crisis. I tried to imagine Jesus with this man, sitting in the passenger seat with him. Jesus was not berating him for his bad investment. Instead, Our Lord had his arm over the back of the seat, laughing with his long hair blowing out behind him in the breeze. That helped me realize how totally wrong I was to judge this man and his situation.
Pope Francis tells us, “It is a profound spiritual experience to contemplate our loved ones with the eyes of God and to see Christ in them” (The Joy of Love, 323). Seeing Christ with them may not be quite as profound, but it can be an easier place to start.
What we do not Know
Another way to work at being more accepting of people for the benefit of our grandchildren is to consider what we do not know. We really cannot judge anyone, because we never know what their situation might be. We do not know what obstacles they have overcome just to get where they are, even if we feel they are not at a place we would consider desirable or even respectable. We never know what pain or tragedy another person is carrying.
I remember thinking this very strongly on the hot August day when we were heading to my grandfather’s funeral. I had been very blessed. I had reached my mid-twenties before I ever encountered significant loss, had to be part of a funeral procession, or had to walk across parched ground to a place where an open grave waited. But on the day of my grandfather’s funeral I was experiencing all of this. It was miserably hot, and I was overwhelmed with the realization that my childhood was truly over as one of the first persons who had known me since the day I was born was laid to rest.
But no one else on the streets seemed to care about my heavy heart. For them it was just another hot and muggy day. They rushed past me without a moment’s notice, not noticing my pain at all. I never forgot that feeling of no one knowing or caring. From time to time I still wonder how often I’ve caused someone else to feel that way? How often do I judge someone who is grieving, who has just received bad news, who is unemployed, or who is fighting cancer? We don’t know any of those things about the people we encounter as we go about our busy lives. All we concentrate on is whether they annoy us, get in our way, or do not meet our standards of behavior or appearance. Imagine what a wonderful future it could be if each of us taught our grandchildren to be more sensitive to the burdens and concerns other people might be carrying.
Pope Francis tells us, in the document that announced the Year of Mercy to be held in 2016, why our insensitivity to the unknown burdens and struggles of others must stop: “To refrain from judgment and condemnation means, in a positive sense, to know how to accept the good in every person and to spare him any suffering that might be caused by our partial judgment, our presumption to know everything about him” (The Face of Mercy, 14).
Our Tough Standards
Consciously or unconsciously many of us judge ourselves by the same high standards that we impose on others. Even worse, some of us may expect others to live by standards we ourselves do not even meet. Either way, judging can be as harmful to ourselves as to others. That is why Jesus says, “Stop judging and you will not be judged” (Lk 6:37). If we are constantly judging others for their out-of-date clothes, old car, bad haircut, boring vacation, or unattractive houses, we must work very hard to make sure our own wardrobe, transportation, image, travel, and home all measure up to the standards we use to judge others.
Some of us also tend to judge others by their religious traditions or practices — and think that only our beliefs and practices are acceptable to God. What a great disservice we do to God when we judge him to have a heart no more merciful or accepting than ours! It reminds me of an experience I had with my eighteen-month-old granddaughter. She had come to be very fond of me. When I came into the room, she would run to me as fast as she could. She loved to have me carry her or hold her. One day she was playing contentedly on the floor when her older brother fell and hurt himself. He came running to me crying and I wrapped my arms around him and began to comfort him. My little granddaughter jumped up from where she was playing, ran to him, put both of her little hands on his chest and pushed him away from me as hard as she could, nestling herself into the place where he had been in my arms. It was as if she were saying, “My grandma and my grandma only.” This jealous and childish behavior is much like what we do when our judgments push others away from God’s love and care. We are saying, “My God and my God only.”
Jesus does not judge us by our standards. Neither do our grandchildren. In their innocent love for us, our grandchildren teach us a nonjudgmental kind of acceptance and love. They do not care if we are old, have aches and pains, or wear glasses. We came into their lives after many years of journeying through this world. They accept us exactly as we are now. We do not have to pretend to be anyone different for them. That is one of the many things that makes our time with them so special.
We can help our grandchildren become more — rather than less — accepting by modeling that ourselves. When we are more willing to accept the way we are, we will become more willing to accept the way other people are. When we learn to appreciate the good in ourselves, we will learn to see the good in others. Conversely, when we learn to appreciate the good in others, we will be more likely to see the good in ourselves. This accepting attitude will make us more grateful, generous, and joyful.
When we are quick to judge others and hold them to high standards, usually we are likewise hard on ourselves. We often put more time and energy into trying to live up to society’s standards than we do in trying to live up to Gospel standards. Is this the life we really want for our grandchildren? Or can we learn and teach them a different way? Can we encourage them to accept themselves and all other people as God made them to be? When we do this, we can stop expecting perfection from ourselves and others. We can relax and enjoy life so much more.
It is, of course, important to recognize that accepting others — despite the flaws and weaknesses we all have — is not the same as condoning inappropriate or immoral behavior. A dear friend is grandmother to four children
