They began to head for the platform as if they were already familiar with the routine. Rose was still standing at the beer table, unsure whether she should join them, when she saw Dan waving to her from the front row.
‘They like to have us up the front so they can get our reactions when the boat sinks,’ he explained as Rose edged in beside him. ‘Sad faces make for good television.’ That wasn’t going to be a problem for Rose; this whole day had been one big sad-face.
From here, she had a view straight onto the dock, where the eight boats bobbed and swayed. Several small camera crews in headsets – a camera operator plus a sound recordist – were stationed at different spots along the pier. Rose’s gaze followed the tracks of cable, strapped down with gaffer tape, back into the shed, where she knew there was a bank of monitors. Bernie and the other producers would be directing the shoot from inside.
Thor appeared on the pier with a microphone. ‘Hallo!’ he bellowed. The crowd cheered, and the super-fans waved their banners enthusiastically.
‘Are you ready to Dock?’ Thor shouted. Rose groaned inwardly, but the crowd loved it, laughing and clapping.
‘I said – are you ready to Dock?!’ The crowd roared in reply.
Some of the super-fans started a familiar-sounding chant, stomping their feet and clapping. Stamp-stamp CLAP! Stamp-stamp CLAP! The rest of the spectators quickly caught on, stamping, clapping and joining in the song: ‘We will, we will Dock you!’
Thor held up a hand for silence. ‘I am Thor Thorsson, son of the sea and host of The Dock!’ he said. ‘Today, eight boats become seven, as we witness this season’s first sinking. One team’s hopes will be dashed on the rocks beneath our feet, as the other contestants sail on towards victory! But first, let us meet our contestants!’
Pair by pair, Thor invited each team to stand beside him on the pier. Rose had thought they looked polished on ordinary shooting days, but today they practically sparkled. Their hair was even more glossy, voluminous and carefully tousled than usual. The female contestants’ faces were masks of heavy make-up, and both the men and women were dusted with bronzer and powder.
All the contestants were wearing nautically themed outfits. One couple were dressed like old-timey sailors, in white bell-bottoms, blue neckerchiefs, and dixie-cup hats worn at a jaunty angle. Another were wearing Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses and peaked captain’s hats. There were lots of striped shirts, epaulettes and gold braid. One team was even rigged out like Napoleon in coats, breeches, boots and cocked hats. Guess they’re saving the pirate gear for later in the season, Rose thought.
Thor announced each team’s names to much applause, then asked them a few questions – were they nervous? Were they ready? Were they happy with the progress on their boat? What was best in life?
‘To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of the women!’ shouted a few super-fans before the contestant even had his mouth open.
After each team had answered the questions, they went to stand by their boat, waving to the crowd as they left. As Thor turned back to the audience, a diminutive production assistant in a lanyard and headset came to stand beside him.
‘This is … Katie!’ Thor bellowed, as if introducing a Norse goddess. Katie gave a small, polite smile. ‘She will take you through the process of today’s filming.’
‘Hi guys,’ Katie said, ‘Before we begin, a few quick house rules. If you could be quiet while we’re filming over by the boats, that would be great. Whenever I go like this’ – she drew an emphatic horizontal line in the air with both hands – ‘I need you to stop making a sound. But when I go like this’ – she mimed clapping – ‘you guys give us your biggest round of applause! Let’s have a practice go!’
With exaggerated movements, Katie made the clapping signal, and obligingly the crowd began to applaud. ‘Louder!’ she yelled, making an open-palmed ‘up’ motion with her hands, and the volume of the applause escalated. She made the ‘cut’ signal, and the applause stopped.
‘Great job!’ Katie said. ‘And when I go like this’ – she lifted one hand and shook her fist back and forth – ‘I need you guys to cheer!’
‘Woo!’ said one over-enthusiastic spectator.
‘Sometimes we might have to go back and film a moment again, so you might have to cheer or clap a couple of times in a row,’ Katie continued. ‘But I need you to give each cheer just as much energy – every time’s gotta be like the first time. Can you do that?’ She raised a fist.
‘Wooooo!’ replied all the spectators … except Rose, who stifled a yawn.
‘And here’s the most important part,’ Katie was saying. ‘After the judges have conferred and given their result, Thor will announce this week’s rankings. He’ll read them from first place to last place, and you know what happens when he gets to the final team. He’ll read out their names, and then you know what comes next …’
The super-fans led the chant. ‘That boat – won’t float!’
‘Again!’ Katie shouted.
‘THAT BOAT – WON’T FLOAT!’
‘Excellent! You’re the best audience yet,’ said Katie. She put a hand to her earpiece – something was about to happen.
Behind Rose, someone yelled, ‘Here come the judges!’ Katie frowned and put a finger to her lips. Rose turned to peer through the fence at the foreshore. There didn’t seem to be any cars arriving. Would they make the judges walk in? Rose remembered that in the episode she’d watched, Thor had been filmed strolling along a pier.
She cast her gaze around the foreshore. A couple of junkies were squabbling over a shoe. There was an old man very slowly pushing a shopping cart. Something was moving inside. Metres away, a teenager in a hoodie was sucking on a bong made from an energy-drink bottle and a length of garden hose. This didn’t exactly look like an elite judging panel, but there was no one else in sight.
Excitement was mounting among the crowd, but Rose still couldn’t figure out where the judges were. She looked along the dock – nobody new here, either – then realised all the camera crews were pointing out to sea. A speedboat was swooping dramatically towards the dock, gull-wings of spray fountaining out from either side as it sliced through the sparkling water. It was all very impressive … at least to the point where it became clear that whoever was steering had misjudged their high-speed approach, and had to cut the motor before they ran aground.
‘Go back to point two!’ shouted one of the crew, pointing to a distant buoy. The boat made gurgling fart noises as it reversed with embarrassing slowness. The crowd laughed, and someone made a sad trombone noise. After what felt like ages, the boat made it back to the point, then painstakingly turned. The engine roared into life and the boat swept back towards the dock. This time, the helmsman had judged the approach perfectly, and the speedboat slid stylishly into its mooring by the pier.
The crowd was looking at Katie for guidance on what to do. She had her head down, listening carefully to something in her earpiece. Then she snapped her head up, looked at the crowd and made the applause signal. The spectators burst into applause. As if conducting an orchestra, Katie gestured for louder applause, and the crowd obliged.
Rose was dreading having to stand there while the judges went into every boat and checked every corner of it. Would they even be finished before
