our way through this book, we will often pause to reflect upon the root and branches of common parenting issues—for only when we find the root will we be able to find the proper solution for each problem.
There is a Chinese saying “Once you get into the habit of doing something, it will become a natural part of you.” The cultivation of virtue is not a quick process. There is no button to push for instant download. Virtues can only be learned, experienced, and practiced, and the key is practice, practice, and practice. Eventually you will see that not only will your child start to feel at ease with you, but you will also feel the ease and peace inside yourself.
A person of benevolence is never anxious; a person of wisdom is never confused; a person of courage is never fearful.
(Analects 9.29)
Confucius named benevolence, wisdom, and courage the three universal virtues. They are universally binding and are each closely related. Wisdom aims at the knowledge of benevolence, and courage at its practice. By learning and practicing these three virtues, parenting will become simpler because you will no longer be fundamentally anxious, confused, or fearful.
Does this mean that parents who are not anxious, confused, or fearful in parenting are instantly benevolent, wise, and courageous? The answer is no. A parent who does not care about the well-being of a child will never be anxious; a parent who does not bother to learn about the different ways to parent will never be confused; a parent who is not concerned with the consequence of his actions will never be fearful. Yet, this does not mean these parents are virtuous. Only by instilling the virtues of benevolence, wisdom, and courage will you be able to see how right decisions will lead to right results, and in so doing you will become free from anxiety, confusion, and fear.
By learning how to apply the three universal virtues in parenting, you will be one big step closer to effective parenting. By incorporating the three virtues in your parental choices (or in any other life choices), you can rest assured that you will be making the right decision. It may not seem as easy as reacting thoughtlessly to a situation in any way you like, but you’ll see the difference is in the results you get. The key is to make the right decision for the right result. And that is what virtuous parenting is all about.
If you are not familiar with the three virtues of benevolence, wisdom, and courage, it may take a little while for you to get used to applying them to your everyday parental choices. However, once you get to know and appreciate them, you will get into the pattern of asking three simple questions before making any parental decisions: Is this benevolent? Is this wise? Do I have the courage to pursue the right result?
In the next three chapters you will learn more about Confucius’ three universal virtues and how they can help with your difficult challenges in parenting. By being able to apply them whenever you are at a crossroad, parenting will become more simple and effective, and you will truly become free from anxiety, confusion, and fear.
Chapter One
Benevolence for Reaching the Heart of Your Child
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ACCORDING TO CONFUCIUS, BENEVOLENCE IS THE MOST important virtue. The Chinese character for benevolence is made up of two elements, ren (person) and er (two). In other words, benevolence is relationship oriented, relating one human being to another.
In its simplest form, benevolence can be expressed as “Love your fellow man.” Confucius believed that all humans were born with benevolence but that this virtue will wither without cultivation. It is not a ready-made gift, but an accomplishment that one has to achieve. To be benevolent is not what we are as a person, but what we do and become. Those who uncover the power of benevolence will gradually think and act in a different, more virtuous manner, and eventually will become an exemplary person who will enjoy life even when the world around them—with or without children screaming—is in turmoil. A person of benevolence will not be changed by the environment, but instead will change the environment for the better.
Many people think that cultivating benevolence is to make the lives of others better or to make the world a better place. These are both true, but this overlooks the fact that by practicing benevolence, we are ourselves the beneficiary as well as the benefactor. Benevolence provides us with a more loving way to look at life, a better way to treat the people around us, and a wonderful way to be loved by others.
Benevolence is the force behind a calm and tranquil life, even if you are an over-scheduled mom or dad. Confucius said, “Those who are benevolent will have nothing to worry or fear.” When asked if that means that those who have no worries or fears can necessarily claim themselves to be benevolent, Confucius answered, “If examining oneself and you have nothing to regret, why be worried or fearful?” (Analects 9.29)
Confucius believed that benevolence had different meanings for different people. For a student who was impulsive and violent, benevolence meant patience and kindness. For a student who was shy and timid, benevolence meant the ability to be strong when it came to fighting for what was right. In parenting, benevolence will also mean different things at different times and will express itself in different ways according to your nature. If you are permissive, you may see benevolence as firmness and strength, while if you are authoritative, you will see it as patience and understanding.
The Five Merits of the Benevolent Parent
Though everyone’s definition of benevolence may be a little different, the following five merits of benevolent individuals hold true for all. When asked about the merits of benevolence, Confucius listed these five:
They are respectfulness, forgiveness, trustworthiness, diligence, and generosity.
If you are respectful, you will not suffer humiliation
If you are forgiving, you win the support of many
If you are trustworthy, others will trust and rely on you
If you are diligent, you will be successful
If you are generous, you be able to employ others effectively.
(Analects 17.6)
We can all apply this to our parenting styles to see that:
• If we respect our children, which is not the same as indulging them, we will not induce contempt from them.
• If we forgive and understand, while teaching them the lesson behind their mistakes, we will win our children’s hearts.
• If we can prove ourselves to be trustworthy, our children will trust and rely on our guidance.
• If we are diligent and practice good parenting, we will become successful parents.
• If we are generous with our time, care, and love we will gain our children’s heartfelt dedication.
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