benevolent person needs to have compassion for the person who misbehaves. Karen’s son could have explained nicely to his mother why he was so upset with the new set up, but he was only eleven years old and immature in his judgment. Instead of condemning your child right away, try to feel for him—you will certainly feel better inside if you do.
This takes more than just understanding his side of the story—it asks you to feel his pain or other emotions. Karen’s son was very angry when he slammed the door. If Charles was a benevolent young man, he would have felt the pain in his mother’s heart when he shouted “get lost.” Compassion is feeling another’s emotions, and it is the most crucial response to cultivate to prevent violence against another human being or against any other living being on earth. Do you ever feel the pain of another person? The more you can feel your child’s fear and pain when you hurt him with your hand or your words, the harder it is for you to assault him. In addition, the more your child learns about benevolence, the more he will appreciate the effects of his actions on his parents and others.
3. Look at Your Own Contribution to the Problem
I have yet to meet the person who could perceive his own mistake and inwardly criticize himself.
(Analects 5.27)
Confucius regrets that he could not find people who are able to criticize themselves. What could Karen have done to avoid her son’s outburst? She could have discussed the new Internet setup with her son before installing it, she could have taught him about anger management, or she could have taught him the importance of respect in the house. Only when we look at our own contribution to a situation will we see it fairly and honestly. If you did something wrong, admit it. Just admitting it to yourself is a great help. Not only will your admittance help to resolve the situation, but you will also be teaching your child an important lesson on self-reflection and accepting responsibility.
4. Kindness is Irresistible
Do not impose on others what you do not desire.
(Analects 12.2)
In other words, don’t do to others what you do not want others to do to you. This is one principle that we have heard over and over again in different texts and different languages. It is the golden rule of benevolence. If each one of us can say this quote in our minds each time we think of hurting another person, physically or verbally, a lot of unkind acts can been avoided. Everybody loves to be treated kindly—even the most unkind person in the world will not be able to resist kindness.
Karen could kick open the door, or unlock it with her key, drag Charles out of his room, and act like a raging bull. She could say and do all the things that will serve the purpose of hurting Charles. And do you know what Charles would be thinking? He would be thinking of how to hurt his mother back, for he is also very angry. And the cycle will go on and on.
There is another possibility. Karen could treat Charles with kindness and respect just like she would like to be treated, after all that is what Karen would like to teach Charles. She could sit down with her son after both of them have calmed down and have recuperated from the terrible incident. She should act kindly not because she wants to be permissive but because she knows that the power of kindness will get her the result she desires. If Karen is able to clear her mind of anger and is able to respond instead of react to her son’s rudeness, then it is time to move on to step two and step three.
Step Two
Think Clearly with Wisdom
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