easily you can control yourself if you take a fiveminute time-out when you want to hurt your child with words or action. Not only will your child respect you more, but you will also be able to see your child as a young and immature person who also deserves to be guided with respect.
FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING
Be Firm, Determined, Honest, and Deliberate
Being firm, determined, honest, and deliberate in speech is close to benevolent conduct. (Analects 13.27)
Effective parenting brings results. Benevolent conduct helps us to accomplish what we want to achieve. If we want to be an effective parent, practicing benevolent conduct is a good way to start.
Be firm with discipline. When it comes to discipline, you need to be firm with what you believe is important to raise a happy, healthy, and well-balanced child. Do not give in to the pitiful look of your beloved little angel when she needs to be disciplined so she can learn right from wrong; likewise, don’t allow yourself to become intimidated by the angry look on your teenager’s face when you set healthy boundaries on their freedom. Being firm does not necessarily take shouting and yelling. Parents can be firm by being gentle and soft-spoken. All you want to do is to let your child know that you are firm because it is your responsibility to discipline him well. However, it is important to make sure that you are firm and reasonable.
Be determined to be the best parent possible. Where there is a will, there is a way. If you are determined to be the best parent to your child, there is really nothing that can stop you from achieving that goal. If you lack the knowledge, learn from others and from all the parenting help available. If you lack the perfect personality, cultivate what it takes to be the kind of parent you want yourself to be. Once you set your mind to become “the best” parent for your child, all paths will lead you there.
Be honest with yourself. In parenting, it is as important to be honest with yourself as it is to be honest with your children. You need to be honest with your children so that you can gain their trust. Honesty requires you to go deeper into your subconscious mind, to see that you are not lying to yourself. You need to be honest with yourself so that you can gain insight into what is genuinely going on in front of you and within you. What you like to believe is going on might not be what is really going on.
Be careful with what you say to your child. Confucius taught about the importance of speech in human relationships. Confucius said, “A benevolent person is slow and careful in speech.” (Analects 12.3) So think carefully before you speak, especially when you are angry or discouraged. Sometimes if you don’t know what to say, be silent. Silence might not help to solve any problem, but at least it will not cause more harm or any immediate damage.
Accept Each Other’s Differences
A benevolent person seeks harmony and not sameness.
(Analects 13.23)
You might not like your daughter’s pink highlights or purple hair; you might not be able to stand your son’s low cut oversized pants, or you may not understand why your daughter’s jeans need to look like they are one size too small, but that doesn’t mean that what you dislike is definitely wrong. Your child might not think that all you do is right either.
In order to seek harmony in your parent/child relationship, you and your child will both need to accept each other’s differences. Acceptance is not the same as approval. There are things you need to accept even if you don’t approve of them, but always set healthy boundaries so your son or daughter can get the guidance and foundation they need for an ethical, moral life. You might not approve of your child’s choice of major in college, but you will have to accept her and her decision. This will also be a very good lesson for your child to learn. Your child might not approve of your extravagant or stingy life style, but he will have to learn how to accept you for who you are. Benevolence seeks harmony and not sameness. From the head of a nation to the head of a family, this is one important principle to model so children and young people can learn how to build a more peaceful world.
Love . . . and Express Your Love in All Possible Ways
To be benevolent is to love the other person. (Analects 12.22)
Benevolence, in its simplest form, is loving another person. But it is not as simple as it sounds. Most parents will not doubt for a moment that they love their children. They take care of their children, provide them with the best life has to offer, devote their time and energy to raising them well. Every parent makes some kind of sacrifice for his or her children. But what happens when the child defies or rebels? Can you still say “I love you” to a child who screams “I hate you?”
Benevolence requires us to love others even when we are disappointed or angry with them. We will discuss how benevolence can help us control our anger in the next section, but for now, let us concentrate on how we could still love a child who has broken our heart. The key is how to see the child in a benevolent way. It is easy to love a sweet baby who is cute and affectionate. But what happens when your child is doing everything you hate. He may be rude, defiant, and so different from the younger child you loved so much. Do you only hate what he did, or are you starting to hate him? It is a scary thought, but it is something we will have to deal with before we can truly understand what benevolence is all about.
Many parenting experts have advised parents to separate a child’s actions from the child. I found this the most difficult part of parenting, and it took me a long time to discover that the only way we can be benevolent even when we are really angry with our children is to put on our “Benevolent Glasses.” Through this pair of glasses, you will see your child as he or she really is . . . a two-and-one-half-year-old who hates you because he hates the way you boss him around but still loves everything else about you; a twelve-year-old who acts like twenty-one because she is scared, confused, and thinks that you won’t allow her to find her own identity. Only by seeing with benevolence can we act with benevolence, and only by acting with benevolence can we truly raise a child who will be happy and successful in life.
In understanding our love for another, we need to, again, look into our intention. Confucius stressed “Sincerity of Intention.” Do we love our son only if he is hardworking? Do we love our daughter only if she is obedient? Or do we love our children unconditionally? This brings us back to our previous discussion on the goal of self-serving rewards and recognition versus care for our child’s long-term well-being.
If there is one thing that we absolutely cannot do without in successful parenting, it is unconditional love. A child will need to know that you love him even if he has done something bad. It is dangerous to even suggest to a child that you will take your love away if he does something wrong. A child needs to know that you will love him no matter what happens. Your love for your child should not fade even if he has committed the worst crime on earth. You definitely do not approve of his wrongdoing, but that does not mean you should love him less. His friends, his lover, or his spouse may stop loving him, but never his mother and father.
A child who thinks his parents do not love him can never learn how to love himself, and loving ourselves is the foundation for a happy and well-balanced person. As long as children know that their parents love them unconditionally, they will return the love in one way or another. This leads us to another important point . . . do your children feel that you love them?
Show and Express Your Love in Every Way Possible
No
