it. You’d think it was a given. But we don’t always do that. What we often do is feel powerless and do nothing about it at all. We might manage the symptoms of stress but often only when they get in the way of us ‘carrying on as normal’.
So let me ask you: what have you done to resolve the cause of your stress?
Some causes of stress don’t have an easy fix and require a longer-term approach. If you tend to be a worrier, for example, you might feel it is ‘just who you are’ and that it won’t change. But it can change. You can change. You just haven’t found the right approach yet. I have worked with many people to enable them to drop their worry tendencies. Given the right tools and determination, things can improve. You first need to decide that you want to do something about it. Nothing will change if you aren’t actively trying to address it.
Solution minded
Whenever you face a problem, stress or a challenge, ask yourself if your focus is on finding a solution. Ironically, many people get so wrapped up in thinking that the situation shouldn’t be as it is that they forget to actually try to do anything about it.
So, having identified the cause of your stress, ask yourself these questions…
1. What needs to change?
2. What’s in my control? What isn’t?
3. What outcome do I want?
4. What do I need to help me?
5. Who do I need to speak to about this?
6. What next step do I need to take?
Symptom or cause?
Sometimes, on the surface, a symptom can appear to be the cause of a problem when it isn’t. Drinking too much alcohol or overeating, for example, may cause problems and create a negative cycle of events, but they are symptoms rather than the root cause. The question is: what drives that behaviour? That is the cause. That’s what needs addressing. If you just try to use willpower to stop overeating without addressing the reason you are doing it, you will likely stay trapped in the cycle of it. If you feel a lack of self-worth, you will keep creating situations in your life that confirm that to you, until you address your lack of self-worth.
Lasting solutions require hacking the root cause, rather like pulling up the roots of a weed rather than just trimming the leaves. Both the symptoms and the cause of them need addressing. I know that’s obvious but it still needs saying.
Are you addressing your symptoms or the cause of them?
Responding to the cause of stress
I know that sometimes the cause of stress might be a situation that is out of your control. While that can be difficult, let it be a clear message to you to turn your focus to the bit you can control – your response to the situation that is out of your control. If you can’t change the situation you face, you have to change the way you face it. Equip yourself to meet it, as best you can. This entire book is about helping you to do that.
Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, says that we always have a choice as to how we respond to any given situation that is causing us a problem.3 Firstly, is there anything we ourselves can actively do to change it? If there isn’t then, secondly, can we accept the situation as it is? We don’t have to like it or agree with it but we can accept that it is as it is and that it can’t change. Thirdly, if we can’t change it and we can’t accept it, could we remove ourselves from the situation entirely? Failing to actively choose one of these responses keeps us in a loop of frustration and moves us no nearer to a solution. Not all options are possible for every situation but acknowledging that we are choosing one of them enables us to take control of our response to life.
So, under the wise advice of Eckhart Tolle, ask yourself which of these three choices you are making in your response to the cause of your stress. Can you change it? Do you need to accept it? Or could you remove yourself from it?
# The hack
Ask yourself the following:
What is the cause of your stress and what are the symptoms of it? Are you addressing both?
What can you do about it?
What do you need?
What is the next step to take now?
Now take that next step. One step at a time you can deal with whatever you are facing… You’ve got this!
Before I get into hacking your busy schedule, I want to first say that sometimes life is just crazily busy and there isn’t much we can do about it. Whether it’s crazy busy because of taking care of kids and parents or an intensely busy period at work, there are times when every last ounce of time and energy is being squeezed out of us. When our to-do list is out of our control, how we address it is the bit that is in our control. It is especially important during these times that we take the day one moment at a time. It is especially important to use the single-breath practice (see #hack 3) to create a moment to breathe.
Do your best to be in flow with being busy rather than wasting any of your energy fighting the fact that you are. Acknowledge that you’re crazy busy, but do so lovingly with yourself. Acknowledge that you might be stressed about being busy, but do so lovingly. Don’t fight it all. Don’t resist it. You can look after yourself in the process. You can, for the time being, accept that this is your current reality, if there really is nothing you can do about it. You can breathe just a little bit more, even amid the chaos. Every time you get overwhelmed at how much you have to do, take a deep breath. One step at a time, you will get things done. One day at a time, you will move through it all. All things pass.
Now, all that said, crazy busy going totally out of control is another matter altogether.
You have to start owning what you choose to spend your time and energy on. Somewhere along the way you need to look at whether all of what you are doing is absolutely necessary, or if it just seems that way.
