her, stronger than I ever felt for any person, while I was in an unconverted state. If love to the children of God is an evidence of having been born again, I have reason to think, that this is my happy case. I know that I love Christians, and love those most, who are most actively engaged in the cause of Christ; and at the throne of grace, I feel, at times, my soul drawn out in love to them, and in as ardent desires for their spiritual welfare, as for my own.
“17. Have had some deep sense of religion, this day. Read the life of Dr. Hopkins, of Newport. Find much edification and happiness, in reading such books. In the evening, had much conversation with some of the family, on the subject of religion. Appearances rather encouraging.
“18. Have enjoyed much to-day, while reading and meditating on the distinguishing doctrines of grace. My heart acquiesced and rejoiced in them. If I enjoy comfort in any thing, it is when I have a realizing sense of God’s holy character. I feel happy, when I reflect, that God will overrule all things, for the promotion of his own glory. In my walk, this evening, my thoughts were intensely fixed on the greatness and majesty of the Supreme Being, and on the numberless sins I have committed against him. Then they turned to the glorious way of salvation, which this great and most gracious Being has provided. I desired to give myself entirely to Christ, have him for my prophet, priest and king, be entirely devoted to him, and give him all the glory of my salvation. O Jesus, ever give me such views of thyself, as shall entirely take away my thoughts from this vain world.
“July 6. It is just a year, this day, since I entertained a hope in Christ. About this time, in the evening, when reflecting on the words of the lepers, If we enter into the city, then the famine is in the city, and we shall die there ; and if we sit still here, we die also, I felt that if I returned to the world, I should surely perish ; if I staid where I then was, I should perish ; and I could but perish, if I threw myself on the mercy of Christ. Then came light, and relief, and comfort, such as I never knew before. O how little have I grown in grace, since that time. How little engaged in religion am I now, compared to what I was then. Then the world had not the least share in my thoughts or heart. Nothing but religion engrossed my affections, and I thought that nothing else ever would. But though my heart is treacherous, I trust that I have some evidence of being a true Christian ; for when contemplating the moral perfections of God, my heart is pleased with, and approves of just such a Being. His law, which once appeared unjust and severe, now appears holy, just and good. His justice appears equally glorious as his mercy, and illustrative of the same love to universal happiness. The way of salvation by Christ appears glorious, because herein God can be just, and yet display his mercy to the penitent sinner.”
At this point, her regular journal ceases, and nothing but fragments has been preserved, concerning her subsequent views and feelings. They do not differ materially from those which have already been quoted, except that they show a gradual enlargement of desires for the prosperity of the Church of God; and indicate that God was preparing her mind for her future duties.
“March 17—(probably 1809.) Have had some enjoyment in reading the life of David Brainerd. It had a tendency to humble me, and excite desires to live as near to God, as that holy man did. Have spent this evening in prayer for quickening grace. Felt my heart enlarged to pray for spiritual blessings for myself, my friends, the church at large, the heathen world, and the African slaves. Felt a willingness to give myself away to Christ, to be disposed of as he pleases. Here I find safety and comfort. Jesus is my only refuge. I will trust his word, and rest my soul in his hands. I will depend on him, not only for the salvation of my soul, but for daily grace and strength to persevere in a religious course. O may I now begin to live to God.
“24. At the commencement of the last week, I had high hopes of being more engaged in religion, than ever before. But I have reason to fear, that I relied too much on my own strength. I still find cause to be humbled in the dust, for my inconstancy and rebellion. I have doné little for the cause of God—too often indulged in trifling conversation. In this way, I grieve the Holy Spirit, and bring darkness upon my mind. And yet I hope, that I have had some right feelings. I would not deny what I have enjoyed, though it is but small. I have, at times, felt engaged in prayer for the prosperity of the church, and for the conversion of the heathen and Jews.”
Note
* She became a member of the Congregational Church in Bradford.
CHAPTER II.
Her Connexion with Mr. Judson.
The event, which determined the nature of her future life, was her marriage with Mr. Judson. Some particulars respecting the circumstances which led to this connexion, will now be stated. A few facts, however, in relation to Mr. Judson himself, must previously be mentioned.
He was born at Malden, (Mass.) August 9, 1788. He graduated at Brown University, in 1807. Soon afterwards he commenced making the tour of the United States. “Some providential occurrences, while on his journey, led him to doubt the truth of those deistical sentiments which he had recently adopted. His mind became so deeply impressed with the probability of the divine authenticity of the Scriptures, that he could no longer continue his journey, but returned to his father’s house, for the express purpose of examining thoroughly the foundation of the Christian religion. After continuing his investigations for some time, he became convinced that the Scriptures are of divine origin, and that he himself was in a lost situation by nature, and needed renovation previously to an admittance into heaven. It now became his sole inquiry, What shall I do to be saved ?
“The theological seminary at Andover, Massachusetts, was about this time established ; but the rules of the institution required evidence of evangelical piety in all who were admitted. Mr. Judson was desirous of entering there for the purpose of being benefited by the theological lectures ; but hardly ventured to make application, conscious that he was destitute of the proper qualifications. His ardent desire, however, to become acquainted with the religious students, and to be in a situation to gain religious instruction, overcame every obstacle, and he applied for admittance ; at the same time assuring the Professors of his having no hope that he had been a subject of regenerating grace. He was, notwithstanding, admitted ; and, in the course of a few weeks, gained satisfactory evidence of having obtained an interest in Christ, and turned his attention to those studies which were most calculated to make him useful in the ministry.
“Some time in the last year of his residence in this theological seminary, he met with Dr. Buchanan’s ‘Star in the East,’ This first led his thoughts to an eastern mission. The subject harassed his mind from day to day, and he felt deeply impressed with the importance of making some attempt to rescue the perishing millions of the east. He communicated these impressions to various individuals, but they all discouraged him. He then wrote to the Directors of the London Missionary Society, explaining his views, and requested information on the subject of missions. He received a most encouraging reply, and an invitation to visit England, to obtain in person the necessary information.
“Soon after this, Messrs, Nott, Newell and Hall, joined him, all of them resolving to leave their native land, and engage in the arduous work of missionaries, as soon as Providence should open the way,” *
There was, at that time, no Missionary Society, in this country, to which these young men could look for assistance and direction. The spirit of prayer and of exertion for the spread of the Gospel through the world, had not then been sufficiently diffused, to awaken the American churches to combined action for the support of foreign Missions.
The formation of a Missionary Society, in this country, was, therefore, a desirable measure. As these young men were all Congregationalists, they looked, of course, to their own denomination, for the aid which they needed. An opportunity was presented, to lay the subject before a number of the leading ministers of that denomination, at the meeting of the Massachusetts Association, at Bradford, in June 1810. At this meeting, the following paper, written by Mr, Judson, was presented :
“The
