mind has been greatly agitated. An opportunity has been presented to me, of spending my days among the heathen, in attempting to persuade them to receive the Gospel. Were I convinced of its being a call from God, and that it would be more pleasing to him for me to spend my life in this way than in any other, I think I should be willing to relinquish every earthly object, and in full view of dangers and hardships, give myself up to the great work.
“A consideration of this subject has occasioned much self-examination, to know on what my hopes were founded, and whether my love to Jesus was sufficiently strong to induce me to forsake all for his cause. At times I have felt satisfied, that I loved him, on account of his own glorious perfections, and have been desirous that he should do with me, as he should please, and place me in that situation, in which I can be most useful. I have felt great satisfaction in committing this case to God, knowing that he has a perfect understanding of the issue of all events, is infinitely wise to select the means best calculated to bring about the most important ends, and is able and willing to make the path of duty plain before me, and incline me to walk therein. At other times, I have felt ready to sink, being distressed with fears about my spiritual state, and appalled at the prospect of pain and suffering, to which my nature is so averse, and apprehensive, that when assailed by temptation, or exposed to danger and death, I should not be able to endure, as seeing Him who is invisible. But I now feel willing to leave it entirely with God. He is the fountain of all grace, and if he has designed me to be a promoter of his cause, among those who know him not, he can qualify me for the work, and enable me to bear whatever he is pleased to inflict, I am fully satisfied, that difficulties and trials are more conducive than ease and prosperity to promote my growth in grace, and cherish an habitual sense of dependence on God. While the latter please my animal nature, and lead me to seek happiness in creature enjoyments, the former afford convincing proofs that this life is designed to be a state of trial, and not a state of rest, and thus tend to wean me from the world, and make me look up to heaven as my home. Time appears nothing when compared with eternity, and yet events the most momentous depend on the improvement of these fleeting years. O Jesus, direct me, and I am safe ; use me in thy service, and I ask no more. I would not choose my portion of work, or place of labour; only let me know thy will, and I will readily comply.
“Oct. 28. My mind has still been agitated for two or three weeks past, in regard to the above mentioned subject. But I have, at all times, felt a disposition to leave it with God, and trust in him to direct me. I have, at length, come to the conclusion, that if nothing in providence appears to prevent, I must spend my days in a heathen land. I am a creature of God, and he has an undoubted right to do with me, as seemeth good in his sight. I rejoice, that I am in his hands—that he is every where present, and can protect me in one place as well as in another. He has my, heart in his hands, and when I am called to face danger, to pass through scenes of terror and distress, he can inspire me with fortitude, and enable me to trust in him. Jesus is faithful ; his promises are precious. Were it not for these considerations, I should, with my present prospects, sink down in despair, especially as no female has, to my knowledge, ever left the shores of America, to spend her life among the heathen ; nor do I yet know, that I shall have a single female companion. But God is my witness, that I have not dared to decline the offer that has been made me, though so many are ready to call it a ‘wild, romantic undertaking.’ If I have been deceived in thinking it my duty to go to the heathen, I humbly pray, that I may be undeceived, and prevented from going. But whether I spend my days in India or America, I desire to spend them in the service of God, and be prepared to spend an eternity in his presence. O Jesus, make me live to thee, and I desire no more.
“Nov. 25. Sabbath. Have spent part of this holy day in fasting and prayer, on account of the darkness of my mind, and the many internal trials of a spiritual nature, that I have lately experienced. Though destitute of that engagedness I could desire, I had some freedom in pouring out my soul to God, and some confidence, that he would grant my petitions. When I consider the great wickedness of my heart, I hardly venture to approach the throne of grace. But when I recollect, that God has promised to hear the cries of the poor and needy, and that he has even given his Son to die for those, who are sunk deep in sin, I find some encouragement to prostrate myself before the mercy seat, and plead the divine promises. Of late, I have had but little enjoyment, though my mind has been constantly exercised with divine truth. Yet I hope, that God will overrule these trials for my good. I have long since given myself to God ; he has an undoubted right to dispose of me, and try me, as he pleases. Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.
“He who has styled himself a prayer-hearing God graciously manifested himself to my soul, and made it easy and pleasant to pray. Felt a longing desire for more grace, for more unreserved devotedness to God. When I get near to God, and discern the excellence of the character of the Lord Jesus, and especially his power and willingness to save, I feel desirous, that the whole world should become acquainted with this Saviour. I am not only willing to spend my days among the heathen, in attempting to enlighten and save them, but I find much pleasure in the prospect. Yes, I am quite willing to give up temporal comforts, and live a life of hardship and trial, if it be the will of God.
‘I can be safe and free from care,
On any shore, since God is there.’
“Oct. Sabbath—(probably 1811.) Another holy day calls me to the house of God. O that I may enjoy his presence and rest in him. This morning, had some faint views of my unworthiness and nothingness before God. Felt ashamed, that I had ever indulged the least complacency in myself, when I am so exceedingly depraved. I can find no words to express my own vileness ; and yet I sometimes exalt myself, and wonder the Supreme Being takes no more notice of my prayers, and gives me no more grace. This evening, attended a female prayer meeting. Felt solemn and engaged in prayer. Longed for clearer views of God, and stronger confidence in him. Made a new dedication of myself to God. Felt perfectly willing to give up my friends and earthly comforts, provided I might, in exile, enjoy the presence of God. I never felt more engaged in prayer for special grace, to prepare me for my great undertaking, than this evening. I am confident God will support me in every trying hour. I have strong hope, that in giving me such an opportunity of labouring for him, he will make me peculiarly useful. No matter where I am, if I do but serve the infinitely blessed God ; and it is my comfort, that he can prepare me to serve him. Blessed Jesus, I am thine, for ever. Do with me what thou wilt ; lead me in the path in which thou wouldst have me go, and it is enough.
“Nov. 23. My heart has been quite revived, this evening, with spiritual things. Had some views of the excellent nature of the kingdom of Christ. Longed, above all things, to have it advanced. Felt an ardent desire to be instrumental of spreading a knowledge of the Redeemer’s name, in a heathen land. Felt it a great, an undeserved privilege, to have an opportunity of going. Yes, I think I would rather go to India, among the heathen, notwithstanding the almost insurmountable difficulties in the way, than stay at home and enjoy the comforts and luxuries of life. Faith in Christ will enable me to bear trials, however severe. My hope in his powerful protection animates me to persevere in my purpose. O, if he will condescend to make me useful in promoting his kingdom, I care not where I perform his work, nor how hard it be. Behold the handmaid of the Lord ; be it unto me according to thy word.”
The resolution of Mr. and Mrs. Judson, to devote themselves to the service of their Saviour as Missionaries, was not formed in the ardour of youthful enthusiasm. It was not the impulse of an adventurous spirit, panting for scenes of difficulty and danger. They had cherished no romantic views of the missionary enterprize. They had calmly estimated its hazards and its toils. They foresaw what it would cost them, and the issue to which it would probably lead them both. They knew well what they must do and suffer; and they yielded themselves as willing sacrifices, for the sake of the far distant heathen.
As a proof of this, an extract of a letter from Mr. J. to Deacon Hasseltine may here be quoted. It is in every view a remarkable document. Its design was, to ask the father’s consent to his daughter’s marriage, and her consequent departure for India. The letter is alike honourable to the writer, and to the parent. An ordinary lover would have solicited the desired consent, by
