I am in ! And is it possible, that I have never given myself away to God in sincerity and truth? I will do it now. In thy strength, O God, I resign myself into thy hands, and resolve to live devoted to thee. I desire conformity to thy will, more than any thing beside. I desire to have the Spirit of Christ, to be adorned with all the Christian graces, to be more engaged in the cause of Christ, and feel more concerned for the salvation of precious souls.
“Aug. 31. Another Sabbath is passed. Have attended publick worship, but with wandering thoughts. O how depraved I find my heart ! Yet I cannot think of going back to the world, and renouncing my Saviour. O merciful God, save me from myself, and enable me to commit myself entirely to thee.
“Sept. 2. I have discovered new beauties in the way of salvation by Christ. The righteousness which he has wrought out is complete, and he is able to save the chief of sinners. But above all, his wondrous dying love, and glorious resurrection, astonish my soul. How can I ever sin against this Saviour again ? O keep me from sinning against thee, dear Redeemer, and enable me to live to the promotion of thy glory.
“Sept. 14. I have, this day, publickly professed myself a disciple of Christ, and covenanted with him, at his sacred table.* I am now renewedly bound to keep his commandments, and walk in his steps. O may this solemn covenant never be broken. May I be guarded from the vanities of this life, and spend all my days in the service of God. O keep me, merciful God, keep me ; for I have no strength of my own ; I shall dishonour thy cause and ruin my soul, unless guided by thee.
“Nov. 3. Another day, for which I must give an account, has gone into eternity. It will appear, on the great day, dressed in the very garb which I have given it. Spent the evening with my young religious friends and Mr. P. whose conversation was remarkably solemn. He advised us to make resolutions, for the government of our daily conduct. I feel myself unable to keep any resolutions that I may make ; but humbly relying on the grace of God for assistance, I will try. I do desire to live wholly devoted to God, and to have every sin in my heart entirely slain.
“O thou God of all grace, I humbly beseech thee to enable me to keep the following resolutions ;—When I first awake, solemnly devote myself to God, for the day. Read several passages of Scriptures, and then spend as long time in prayer, as circumstances permit. Read two chapters in the Old Testament, and one in the New, and meditate thereon. Attend to the duties of my chamber. If I have no needle work to do, read in some religious book. At school diligently attend to the duties before me, and let not one moment pass unimproved. At noon, read a portion of Scripture, pray for the blessing of God, and spend the remainder of the intermission, in reading some improving or religious book. In all my studies, be careful to maintain an humble dependence on divine assistance. In the evening, if I attend a religious meeting, or any other place for instruction, before going, read a portion of Scripture. If not, spend the evening in reading, and close the day as I began. Resolve also to strive against the first risings of discontent, fretfulness and anger ; to be meek, and humble, and patient, constantly to bear in mind, that I am in the presence of God ; habitually to look up to him for deliverance from temptations ; and in all cases, to do to others as I would have them do to me.
“Nov. 6. I daily make some new discoveries of the vileness and evil of my heart. I sometimes fear, that it is impossible for a spark of grace to exist in a heart so full of sin. Nothing but the power of God can keep me from returning to the world, and becoming as vain as ever. But still I see a beauty in the character of Christ, that makes me ardently desire to be like him. All the commands of God appear perfectly right and reasonable, and sin appears so odious as to deserve eternal punishment. O how deplorable would be my situation, thus covered with sin, was it not for the atonement Christ has made. But he is my Mediator with the Father. He has magnified the law and made it honourable. He can save sinners consistently with the divine glory. God can now be just, and the justifier of those who believe in his Son.
“Nov. 26. This is the evening before thanksgiving day, and one which I formerly spent in making preparation for some vain amusement. But for the first time in my life, I have spent it in reading and praying, and endeavouring to obtain a suitable frame of mind for the approaching day. How much reason have I to be thankful for what God has done for me, the yèar past. He has preserved my forfeited life ; he has waited to be gracious ; he has given me kind friends, and all the comforts of life ; and more than all, he has sent his Holy Spirit, and caused me to feel my lost condition by nature—inclined me to trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, as my only Saviour, and thus changed the whole course of my life. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name !
“Dec. 22. I am this day seventeen years old. What an important year has the past been to me. Either I have been made, through the mercy of God, a partaker of divine grace, or I have been fatally deceiving myself, and building on a sandy foundation. Either I have in sincerity and truth renounced the vanities of this world, and entered the narrow path which leads to life, or I have been refraining from them for a time, only to turn again and relish them more than ever. God grant that the latter may never be my unhappy case. Though I feel myself to be full of sin, and destitute of all strength to persevere, yet if I know any thing, I do desire to live a life of strict religion, to enjoy the presence of God, and honour the cause, to which I have professedly devoted myself. I do not desire my portion in this world. I find more real enjoyment in contrition for sin, excited by a view of the adorable moral perfections of God, than in all earthly joys. I find more solid happiness in one evening meeting, when divine truths are impressed on my heart by the powerful influences of the Holy Spirit, than I ever enjoyed in all the balls and assemblies I have attended during the seventeen years of my life. Thus when I compare my present views of divine things, with what they were, at this time last year, I cannot but hope I am a new creature, and have begun to live a new life.
“April 11. Now I know that God is a prayer hearing God. When I retired this evening to spend some time in prayer, I found I had no heart to pray, I could pray for nothing but a spirit of prayer; when, contrary to all my expectations, my feelings were suddenly changed, and I obtained great freedom of access to the mercy seat. I felt it good to draw near to God, and pour out my soul before him. Astonishing love and unbounded benevolence, in the infinite God, thus to let his creatures come near, and partake of the happiness which he himself enjoys. O Jesus, make me humble; let me love thee more, and be daily more devoted to thy dear cause.
“April 12. Sabbath. Have this holy day enjoyed the privilege of commemorating the dying love of Christ. O how condescending did the divine Redeemer appear ! I felt my heart drawn out in love to God for his great goodness to the children of men. Five new members were added to the church. How animating to see so many come over to the Lord’s side, and subscribe to be his. And was I indeed called at an early age, called in the bloom of youth, to be a partaker of the grace of God ? I, who was opposed to every thing good—who was a faithful servant of the adversary of souls? How easily might I have been left to go on in my own chosen way, till repentance was too late. How earnestly do I now desire to live entirely devoted to the service of Christ, to express my gratitude, by keeping his commands, and living near to him. But alas, notwithstanding all he has done for me, so depraved is my heart, and so inclined to every evil, that I shall wander from God, grieve his Spirit, wound his cause, and destroy my soul, unless kept by his mighty power. On sovereign grace alone I rely for grace and strength to persevere.
“April 18. Too much engaged in worldly things. Worldly thoughts will creep in, and destroy my religious comfort. I have much to make me constantly devoted, yet I am comparatively stupid. I am surrounded by a wicked world, where vice and immorality are prevailing, and very little real religion to be found. Lord, take care of thine own cause, and let not the enemy be exalted over thy people. O take care of thy children, and animate them with thy presence in the wilderness.”
These extracts are sufficient to show the exercises of her mind, for some months after her conversion. Wé have omitted a considerable portion, because our space is limited, and because we think that much caution ought to be used, in disclosing to the public eye the private feelings of the Christian. In the bosom of every true believer, hope predominates
