black mirrors are doing on their minds and their well-being, and seek wellness and balance instead. This is a thoughtful and intelligent group, this generation. They are better poised than any of us to make such a change.
In the meantime, I think we parents can do a couple of things to foster that change, and hasten it a bit. First, we of course need to better regulate our own screen time, including our time spent on social media. Modeling the behavior we want to encourage is the most effective method, and I think we are inherently aware of this reality. We can also take screen breaks as a family, and find some other activity to engage in collectively. And finally, I would strongly encourage you not to jump the gun in terms of providing your child with an iPhone or iPad. Wait a year or two. Allow them the space to breathe in the world with their eyes up, free of the overstimulation of the screen. I find that the more practice a client of mine has at this, the less likely they are to impulsively reach for their phone immediately as it buzzes, summoning their attention in the middle of a session.
Finally, I have worked with many parents who feel as if they no longer really know their teenager, this child they ushered into the world, who, up until just a few years ago, trusted them with almost everything, social, academic, or emotional. Now, they are upstairs behind a closed door, and they feel shut out of their world. I find, more and more, that the parents I learn are snooping in their child’s room, or on their various social media accounts, are not necessarily trying to “catch” their child in some misdeed. No, fundamentally, I have learned that an awful lot of parents miss their teenagers, and want to be part of their worlds again. Social media, even a “Finsta,” can be an interesting reintroduction to your child.
A Finsta (short for a fake Instagram account), for those of you who may be unfamiliar, is the second Instagram account your child may not tell you about, the one she shares with a select group of friends. That Finsta may prove more racy, salacious or, at times, inappropriate than what you are invited to see. Just know that, on any social media platform, your child may very well have more than one account, with split identities to keep track of. I find that this stuff gets very complicated when you really dig into it with teenagers. I feel for them that they sense a need to navigate it all, keep all those identity plates spinning every day, in order to just tread water socially.
A lot of the kids I work with invite me to follow them on some social media account or another. I find what I see there to be, on the whole, quite revealing: heartening, funny, sweet, and occasionally inappropriate, as teenagers are wont to be. But it’s so good to know them in this way, and sometimes talents and interests become apparent in a way that discussion does not always foster. I have discovered I am sitting across from a budding photographer, or a musician, or an artist, from clients’ social media. So, for parents, I encourage you not to fight the trend. It’s a very important part of the life of a child, understandably. And it’s a fight you will lose regardless. Instead, I encourage you to join in. Ask your child if you can follow her. You will feel closer to her. It’s pretty cool.
And remember, again, none of this is your child’s idea. As far as she is concerned, it has always been this way.
Defusing the Power of FOMO
FOMO, or the Fear of Missing Out, has become a far more impactful phenomenon in the age of social media, and the concomitant increase in social anxiety. I find that many parents find themselves inclined to reason their child through their FOMO: “You really couldn’t possibly be missing out on anything that important” or “Get your work done more efficiently, and you will have more time to spend with your friends.” I totally understand these tactics, and the fairly sound reasoning underlying them.
But FOMO tends to be a highly emotional and anxiety-inducing experience for a lot of kids, and reasoning through it does precious little to ease a teen’s anxiety. Instead, I would encourage you to think about your own experience of FOMO, as a teenager or, as so many of us experience, in the present day. Share your experiences with your child. Let them know you can relate to their feelings, and acknowledge the reality that they may well be missing out on something that might matter to them socially. This degree of understanding alone may ease some of their anxiety, just the knowing that someone “gets it.”
Then, I think it makes sense to work through the logistics with them: “You are probably going to miss out on something on occasion—we all do. But that’s okay. Most of us are trying to balance our work, other obligations, and social life. And, big picture, things tend to work out the way they need to.” Then, “How can we get you more involved socially?”
And please, if you feel you’re over your parental skis here, consult with a professional. The social anxiety affiliated with a persistent fear of missing out often requires therapy to rejuvenate a sense of self-worth, and perhaps some social skills training to get them connecting with peers. This really is that important.
With this exercise, you accomplish a couple of things: You let your child know you understand their FOMO, and that you have experienced that feeling yourself. You also get them involved in problem-solving their FOMO instead of feeling distracted, anxious, and upset about it.
In this age of social media overload, we need to step back and consider how our children spend their time, and the activities and outlets available to them to develop both a sense of self, and a sense of self-worth. We need to provide them with multiple avenues through which to do so, especially given the magnetic pull of social media. So, this is the area of parenting in which I most strongly encourage you to play the “parent card.” If your child seems disengaged outside of social media, or video games, or some other screen-based activities, press them to get involved. Fill the bulk of their time with school, sports, groups, plays, music, or clubs. Get them moving their bodies, something teenagers today do less and less.
Physical activity is something they desperately need.
My take on this has changed quite a bit. Years ago, I encouraged young people to think more. Now, so many kids spend far too much of their time lost in thought loops, many of them maladaptive and overly self-deprecating. Today, they need to spend far less time lost in thought, and more time doing. It is in the actual doing—the running, swimming, acting, singing, dancing, talking, and laughing—that a deeper sense of identity can be found, more tangible and true. It is in doing that our kids can prove to themselves that they are smart and capable and competent and resilient.
Perhaps the most critical component of doing, one that is missed by this entire generation, lies in moving one’s body. Due in large part to the draw of the various screens our children access, the natural inclination to move, run, swim, and sweat is derailed, often entirely. The result is a passive generation, running and jumping in video games, or momentarily playing for videos to post on one social media platform or another. As a result, we are raising ever more sedentary children, who are more obese than ever and holding more anxiety in their physical bodies. And I find that movement is the single most potent reliever of pent-up anxiety, period.
Young bodies want to move, to run and swim and dance and play. Too many kids decide they are not athletes, far too early in life to make that determination. Too many parents support that assertion, and fail to encourage movement. Here is a script worth changing.
Because, without some press from us, our kids are simply not presented with enough impetus to move. All their lives, there has been a screen that provided ample entertainment, and many kids have never gained an alternative, consistent point of view. It is our job as parents to present them with these options; thus the critical importance of the “parent card.”
I read recently about the decline in attendance at summer camps, both sleepaway camps and day camps. My experience with my client base over the years supports this trend. And for those of you with younger children,
