way more popular than me—look at all those followers and likes.”
“He has no acne, and I’m covered in it.”
“She’s so much skinnier than I am.”
“He gets so many more girls than me.”
For just a moment, picture the scene: Your child is alone in her room, silent, door closed. She is shut off from the world, alone with her social media. She reviews Instagram, and sees other girls posting photos (typically carefully selected from perhaps hundreds of selfies) doctored in the extreme, every blemish removed, every unwanted ounce erased, hair treated and digitally dyed, the posts accumulating likes as she watches. Your child looks on in a state of constant comparison, self-esteem bruised.
She switches to Snapchat, another widely-used social media platform. There, she may see group chats that exclude her, Snap streaks (consecutive days in communication with another user) broken, or friends at a party she either was never invited to, or was lied to by a friend about attending. And right before her is photographic evidence, not only that it is taking place, typically in real time, but also that it is awesome (for who among us presents our lonely, homely, broken moments on social media?).
In the past, we may have suspected that other people were deemed more popular than we were, or better looking, or were included socially on a more regular basis. Kids today—they know. They can see it, as they sit there alone, in their rooms, wondering why they were the ones excluded. And trust me here, many, many kids feel as if they have been singled out and left out. And they feel as if they are the only ones. This I hear an awful lot as well.
And here’s where it gets even trickier. I worked with a sixteen-year-old girl, Christine, a while back who demonstrated for me how she crafted her daily selfie Instagram post. First, she would take hundreds of photos from various angles, trying to capture the cutest, brightest, thinnest, most perfect shot. Then, she would get to work editing the photo as described above. All told, Christine informed me that the process took, on average, about an hour a day.
During one session, she showed me her photo from the day before. She said, “Cute, right? I know, it actually looks nothing at all like me.” Then she added, “But look at all the likes!”
Imagine the dissonance here: I take hundreds of selfies in order to find one that is workable, that makes me look physically acceptable. Then, I will change virtually every element of the pic, until I am nearly unrecognizable as myself. Only then am I willing to post my imposter image in order to gain likes, the slimmest of substitutes for self-worth.
And Christine is smart. She knows she is fooling herself. She’s receiving the likes, but she is keenly aware that she has effectively manufactured something to attain them. It’s a pretty empty win. But it works like an addiction. She feels as if she needs the likes, that they define an important part of her. Without them, she fears she would feel even worse about herself.
“This doesn’t really represent me, but I’ll be making another post like this tomorrow.”
Teenagers fall into these daily loops easily, as posts and likes quickly become primary components of their sense of self-worth. And on Snapchat, for instance, the loops are encouraged, as kids work to sustain Snap streaks, in which they send and receive daily strings of messages to and from the same people. I have seen teenagers in tears when their phones are taken away as part of a punishment for some behavior or another. Often, the fear is that their Snap streaks will be broken, and their friends will have perpetuated longer streaks with other friends, making them less relevant, literally out of the social game. Even one day off breaks a streak, and can truly feel socially devastating. This all sounds absolutely ridiculous, I know.
But remember: your child did not come up with any of this, and as far as she is concerned, it has always been this way.
Herein lies a big part of the problem social media presents to our teens. Too often, they open their account with little self-worth, that sense of self-consciousness and negative comparisons to others striking them early in their lives. Social media being such a potent part of the currency of adolescence, and so critical to connection with peers, it’s all but necessary for a thriving social life. But there is a massive layer of demand presented to kids as well. They not only feel the need to be “on” when they are at school or out with friends, but even when they are alone, during what once was downtime for children, they are working through their alternate identity, the one they are crafting on social media.
And make no mistake, social media is an enormous component of social currency, now and for the foreseeable future. And it is a craft. Have a look at your son or daughter’s Instagram feed, their most recent Snap story. I suspect it is artful, or funny, or clever, or beautiful. Your kids work on this. For many, it is their primary method for bolstering their self-esteem, for forming an identity. Given that this is the first generation presented with this pressure-filled mandate, it’s worthwhile to take a moment and marvel at what they have created out of the blank slate of an empty profile. They didn’t come up with this—it has been foisted upon them. We owe them a moment of credit for what they do there.
Social media has rapidly become integral to teenage identity and self-worth. We don’t have to appreciate this reality, but we do need to recognize and accept it.
There is another dark, insidious reality to social media. Bullying has become more of an online activity than a physical one. I have worked with so many teenagers who have had to see hate posts, and hate pages, put up online about them, for either all the world to see or, at the very least, their entire class. In part because they are created online, the assaults are more vicious and intense, the hate and berating more unbearable, than a physical confrontation in a school hallway could ever be. Cowardice works that way; it’s the road rage of the internet. And like everything else posted “out there,” the bullied teen can, and often does, revisit that awful page over and over again.
The bullied child will often tell me and their parents that it is no big deal, it’s just playful, or it really doesn’t hurt that much. But the pain is too palpable to ignore. If you find there is a bullying page or post about your child, it is time to advocate hard for her. Get on the phone with other parents. Call the school. Let it be known that this behavior will not be tolerated. I will warn you that your child will try to talk you out of this, suggesting that calling attention to the bullying will only make it worse. But that tends not to be the case in reality. Once called out, bullies tend to back down, especially if a grounding, suspension, or even expulsion lies in the balance. Having worked with bullies, I find they also feel a deep sense of shame and regret once exposed to the light of day. Bullying is more a projection of self-disdain than it is loathing for a classmate.
In fact, we need to pause and note here that bullying, online or otherwise, is never a one-dimensional issue. Part of the problem we have culturally is labeling without understanding, and bully is a heavy label. I have worked with many bullies in my career. And each time, I realize quickly that, though bullying may well be a behavior this child manifests, there are emotional reasons underlying their negative and hostile actions. More often than not, I find that, some time in their lives, bullies have been bullied, by a peer, a parent, or some other trusted adult in their lives. I find that bullies are, right under the arrogant and angry surface, deeply insecure, often lashing out before they can be victimized themselves. In order to evoke change culturally, we need to understand the pain of the bully as well as that of the bullied, and make sure that both receive the help they need to heal and move on. If we tend only to the bullied, we may unwittingly be perpetuating a cycle that can last for generations.
Keep this in mind if your child is accused of bullying of any kind. This behavior is unacceptable and damaging, but it is also, in its own way, a cry for help. Part of your mandate as a parent is to answer that cry. Make sure your child receives the
