of and integrate all they take in. And to do that, we must know and truly understand their world so we can collaborate with them.
Our kids are in an undue degree of psychic pain and they need an open dialogue. If we can get them talking, we can help ease their anxious minds.
For parents, the idea is understanding. So that when your kid is overwhelmed (and your kid is going to feel overwhelmed), when your kid is exposed to too much (and your kid will be exposed to too much), she will know: I have Mom and/or Dad, and they are my constants, they are solid. I can go to them and they are going to hear me out, without judgment. I know that. I know that I can talk to them and they are going to be there for me unequivocally. And in this nutty world with all of these stimuli, kids need some compass. They need you to be that compass.
It’s natural for us as parents, when anxieties rise, to try to clamp down and control our child, or maybe look the other way because we are afraid to deal with their struggles. We sometimes want to spare ourselves and our children the difficult conversations because we think it’s too early, or that bringing up the topic will be “planting a seed,” whether it’s about drinking, or sex, or drugs, depression, anxiety, or suicide—any of these tough topics. But we do not have that option anymore. We have to be open and curious and engaged and in the trenches with them. We need to be actively learning about their world so that when they need us, we get it.
Now, I know you are busy, and that parenting is not your sole role in life, nor the sole source of stress. I am fully aware that you face your own set of challenges that involve your life, your relationships, your work and finances, and dreams, and so on. I get that.
I prelude this book with these thoughts because you are about to read, in great detail, about a whole new landscape for teenagers, and for children around the teen years.
And it all starts earlier, and runs longer, than you think.
Some of this stuff will feel quite difficult to read. Some of it is heavy. We are going to talk, in depth, about depression and anxiety, suicidality and loneliness, and sex and drugs. Some of the mandates I’m asking you to fulfill are difficult and may run against the grain of your parenting instincts.
I wrote this book for two reasons.
First, I think that, in order to be an effective, available parent today—in order to guide your child through the “new adolescence”—you need to be more fully informed, more “woke,” than any other generation of parents preceding you. Because there is no blueprint, I am attempting to provide one here.
And you will find my advice to be strikingly consistent:
•Talk to your children in an open and ongoing discussion, free of lectures.
•Pump up the balance in the Emotional Bank Account you maintain with your child, so that your words carry weight with them.
•Ask open-ended questions about issues they may well be struggling with that you are either unaware of, or do not fully understand.
•Inform yourself, frequently.
•Maintain your precious connection with your child, always.
This basic methodology will, believe it or not, consume less of your time, not more. And it will spare you, your child, and your entire family untold heartache for countless years—seriously. You will feel armed to serve as the ally, guide, and consultant your child needs to navigate the newly uncharted waters of a stressful, anxiety-provoking, and prolonged adolescent journey.
The other reason is to provide you with hope.
If you follow the guidelines I offer, I am confident that things will work out. That’s not to suggest you and your child will not encounter bumps and bruises along the path. These are not only inevitable, they are important. We will see that they provide the opportunities for the development of the competence and resilience your child needs to manage their world, to thrive.
So please, as you read on, do not be discouraged. There is a lot here. But if you follow the protocol, you can enjoy their adolescence together, and each challenge can bring you closer together, instead of rending you apart.
And your connection is so very important. The most painful moments in my office arise not when a family is in the midst of crisis. The most painful moments are those in which I bear witness to a parent losing their child in real time, right before my eyes, needlessly.
There is a lot of work to do. But there is good news here, too. If you read carefully and follow the guidelines offered, you are fostering the well-being of a unique and brilliant child—your child. As you will find, even if it is not yet wholly apparent to you, your child possesses a degree of depth, intelligence, and empathy that will move our world in the right direction.
Change is coming rapidly toward our children. I am grateful that you have picked up this book. Your child will be far better off for it, as will you. As will we all.
So, thank you.
Jason’s Story: What Are We Missing?
Jason is sixteen years old. He is bright and personable. He has a job he does well and shows respect for the paycheck he draws. He is an Honor Roll student, popular and handsome. He also manages the awkward setup of a therapy room with unusual grace. He can pick up the trickiest guitar leads by ear, eliciting no small degree of jealousy from his rusty therapist. By all accounts, life is good for Jason. He frequently cites that he has grown up privileged: nice house, plenty of money, generally sweet and loving parents. A seemingly uneventful coming-of-age story.
Jason has also, however, done two separate stints in inpatient therapy, one for suicidal ideation with clear intent to harm himself, the other for marked drug abuse. The drugs he ingested ranged from alcohol to marijuana, Benadryl in excess, Klonopin, Oxycodone, and a host of other prescription drugs, along with the occasional use of “club drugs” including Ecstasy and LSD. At one point, an ER doctor reported to Jason’s parents that he had been hours, if not minutes, from death when his ambulance arrived.
Now, you might be wondering how Jason, with this great life and this loving family, could possibly have ended up in these terrifying, life-threatening situations.
It’s a reasonable question.
Parents today are very involved—far, far more involved in the lives of their children than our parents were even a generation ago. Today, there are parent conferences, conventions, and Parent Universities. There are books and online groups and clubs and apps, all directing us toward improved parenting. I have had the good fortune to speak at many of these events, and to participate on many of these platforms. And lately, with permission, I have shared Jason’s story. The parental responses often surprise me:
“Clearly, his parents aren’t on it. Otherwise, they would know he isn’t okay.”
“This is on the parents. They must be missing the mark and selling you a bill of goods about being good parents.”
“This kid needs to take responsibility for his actions.”
“He needs a swift kick in the
