Mom, Dad, and other familiar adults. Historically, the actual teenage years, thirteen to nineteen, have framed this developmental period, both physically and emotionally, quite well. Parents and families have supported this progression over the generations, controlling the flow of information our children take in and assessing what’s appropriate for them at different ages. The bolder among us have introduced the topics of sexuality, drug use, social difficulties, and other issues at the onset of these years, and dished out information as deemed developmentally appropriate.
The way the culture was constructed and driven, and the way we have parented in the past, supported the onset of adolescence around thirteen years of age, and the completion of that identity formation, more or less, at about nineteen. There were exceptions, of course, but they were fairly obvious, enough so that the adult cavalry—parents, schools, churches, and neighbors—could intervene and redirect a child toward the appropriate developmental markers, should they stray too far off course.
Now, we are going to find that the “teen” designation is no longer entirely valid, certainly not the way it has been used historically. Because of a combination of unlimited access to information, the advent of social media and other technology, rising academic pressures, and other familial and social stressors, the teen years as we think of them have stretched to well before thirteen on the early end, and beyond nineteen on the back end. Some of those “teenage” discussions—those talks about sex, drugs, depression, anxiety, suicide, events in the news—we need to begin with children at often uncomfortably young ages. We lack the control that we used to have over what young kids might be exposed to, so we must be aware and prepared to address issues and take on discussions that would typically be reserved for much older kids.
We are also witnessing a prolonged adolescence on the back end, as our young adults remain stifled by the overwhelming load of information, emotion, and identity confusion they are processing through the teen years. They remain unclear about their place in the world well into their twenties.
The Disappearance of the Tween
When titling my first book, The Available Parent, the word tween carried some distinct meaning, so much so that it was part of my subtitle. This was a preadolescent stage, couched between the ages of ten and twelve or so. But you likely notice, with perhaps a note of alarm, how younger children seem to be adopting the behaviors and attitudes we used to see in tweens and even teens. These include, but are certainly not limited to:
- A draw toward social media
- Development of sexual identity
- Body consciousness
- Mention of feeling depressed or anxious
- Talking back
- Testing boundaries behaviorally
In a sense, the tween years have disappeared, and our children are developmentally sprung from childhood into adolescence without the cushion of a couple of years to get accustomed to new thought patterns and behavioral draws.
As suggested above, we would love to allow for more years of childhood innocence before this adolescent-type behavior and thinking kicks in. But we are dealing with a brand-new reality here, a developmental leap with our younger children in which they skip the cushion of the “tween” years. Given these recent changes, I again encourage you to consider to begin to talk with your younger children, considering their personal maturity and developmental level, about the issues you may have thought were reserved for teens or tweens. Begin to gently work your way toward talking, and asking, about the opposite sex, drug use, insecurities, mental health, and so on. The key here is to let your kids know, earlier than you may think necessary, that you are aware, informed, and available to talk, on any subject, at any time.
I have described the above phenomenon, the stretching of adolescence and the resulting fallout, to a number of colleagues and friends. And I have been faced with skepticism, the prevailing question being, “How do I know this seismic shift is actually taking place?”
It’s an entirely fair question. What I’m suggesting here is not simply that our children are experiencing more, and taking in more stimuli, at earlier and earlier ages. No, it runs far deeper than that. I’m suggesting that developmental patterns that have stood for decades, if not centuries, have shifted in a matter of just a few years. I’m suggesting that our children are developing a sense of self and awareness of others at much earlier ages than ever before. I’m suggesting that the very nature of childhood is shifting at an unprecedented pace, right under our noses, and very few people are fully aware of either the phenomenon or its potent impact on the totality of a child’s life today.
I spent an hour with Jack recently, a deep and thoughtful nineteen-year-old lamenting the apparent generational gap between himself and his brother, only four years his junior. “I worry about Ryan and his generation, man. They have a lot more stress than we did at fifteen. They were born in the iPhone era, and the pressure of social media and all that is in their DNA. We were born just before all that. I can remember that time. We would just play outside all the time. Ryan and his friends are never outside, and they seem so sedated: no hobbies, no interests. They just sit around vaping and joy-sticking their lives away [laughs]. I wish they saw the world more like I do. I see the future, and it’s out there and big and exciting. Ryan and his dudes, I don’t think they get that.”
He worries more about his younger sister, only nine, and her generation. “I don’t think we have any idea how fast those kids are growing up, right now.”
In some form or fashion, I have heard Jack’s sentiment expressed with alarming regularity over the course of the past several years. Yes, the very nature of childhood is entirely different, quite suddenly. And if brothers only four years apart sense a gap, we have to recognize the degree to which we ourselves have precious little in common with our children. Given this sudden developmental shift, this sudden leap from childhood to adolescence, we have everything to learn. We parents today are true pioneers, whether we choose to be or not. We have to parent with more thought and care, as there are pitfalls we can guide our kids safely beyond if we arm ourselves with sufficient information.
Now, I know it is real, the dramatic nature of this shift, because I have a highly unusual job. I work with these children, many hours a day. And I can tell you, unequivocally, the patterns are not vague. The shift is abundantly clear. And the fallout is overwhelming at best, but devastating in the extreme. Let’s review some of the grim realities:
•Children report strikingly more stress now than ever before.
•Poor self-esteem, and a higher degree of self-loathing, are reported by children now more than ever before.
•Body image issues are far more prevalent now than ever before, and at shockingly early ages.
•Substance abuse is on the rise, often in the pursuit of self-medication, and the nature and type of substances used are shape-shifting.
•Suicide rates are skyrocketing among young people.
•We have seen a precipitous rise in school shootings, and other mass shootings, by young people.
So, the urgency to recognize and acknowledge this shift lies in the fact that we are losing children in record numbers, either literally or figuratively. Consider all the talent and joy and contribution lost when just one teen takes their own life. In aggregate, I fear we are heading in a direction in which we lose the gifts of countless young people, even as they continue to draw breath. And we are all the worse for the losses, without
