I find that the young people who are vulnerable, who struggle to find value in themselves, and feel their feelings so strongly, are the very people we need most right now. They don’t recognize their value, but in reality, it knows no bounds. We have to save them, for their sake and for our own.
Think back to your childhood: a component of the ease of that time was less self-awareness, less insecurity, and few comparisons to others. Younger children didn’t consider, to the degree teenagers did, whether other kids were smarter, more athletic, better looking, and so on. For a time, the pace of brain development provided a layer of protection from some of these insecurities. For those of you who were the exception, you know how painful it can be to make those comparisons, as we tend to evaluate ourselves negatively in every respect, “one down” from others.
Now, picture an eight-, nine-, or ten-year-old today. He or she is likely very aware of their “imperfections,” real or merely perceived: their bodies, their minds, even the socioeconomic status of their family, relative to their peers. And, like the rest of us, they also tend to make “upward” social comparisons, matching themselves up with children they perceive as “better” than them in whatever aspect of self they are evaluating.
And kids today are exposed to the stimuli that fuel these comparisons many times, every single day. We used to have so many distractions and buffers, in our lives as kids, that provided even the most insecure among us a cloak of emotional fuzziness. This blur slips into harsh, blunt focus for children now. It’s right there, in their pocket, waiting to remind them that they are not good enough.
Consider the ideas that have historically made us insecure as adults. Our children are now aware of: the negative, upward comparisons to others; the idea that we may lack something important, or not have enough of it; the idea that we may be unloved or unlovable. These are now entering the consciousness of young children. And the thoughts on these topics are far from occasional, or even daily. Because of the nearly constant influx of stimuli in their lives, the traffic and noise in their very active minds, these thoughts play out nearly constantly for them.
And if these issues regularly create insecurity in us as adults, just imagine the impact they can have on the psyches of children, especially young children. And the imagery is relentless. They feel insecure virtually every day. It’s pretty terrifying, for them and for us.
An Exercise in Self-Conscious Language
I encourage you to spend a day attending to your child, especially your young child, and the language they tend to use, especially regarding themself. Do you hear self-consciousness in their language? Do they reflect on how they look, or the nature of their personality, relative to others? Do they show signs of being self-deprecating, or insecure?
If they are beginning to show signs of self-consciousness in their thoughts and language, reflect aloud on your feelings about them. You’ve likely got a window here to guide them toward thinking more positively about themself. Show them the positive through your words, authentically (they will know if you are disingenuous). And model positive self-reflection in your own language about yourself. Through this exercise, you can help set them on a path toward positive self-regard.
In the political swirl of recent years, our kids’ generation has been labeled soft, coddled “snowflakes” who cannot handle and manage the realities of the “real world.” They have been described as vapid, weak, self-involved people lacking true moral structure. Because they are so soft, sensitive, and self-involved, the narrative goes, they insist on gender-neutral bathrooms, safe spaces on campuses, and so on. And kids are aware enough, and well-read enough, to know that this is what we, generally, think of them.
This perception could not be further from the truth. These children have developed the ability to take on the perspective of others and, as a result, experience empathy without having to be lectured about it, as so many of us were. They feel abundant empathy, from a very early age, to the extent that they are emotionally overwhelmed. I believe kids feel more deeply now than they ever have, but their young minds are wholly unprepared for the broad perspective they have on the world, including the awareness of the suffering of others.
Kids today have an exceptionally high empathy load. If their friends are hurting, they are hurting. It’s also important to remember that if you are hurting, they feel that as well. I don’t know the parent who wants to pile their suffering onto their child, but your children are absorbing that nonetheless. It’s important that you know that, along with their anxiety, your anxiety and fear is in their head as well.
Also, children today are far more open-minded, accepting of differences, and inclusive. They hold opinions on politics and culture. They are less likely to tolerate bullying or injustice of virtually any kind, and they recognize the emotional complexities not only of their own lives, but of the lives of others as well. This ability is creating a far more empathic generation, a generation far more engaged socially and politically than any generation preceding them. They feel deeply, not only their own joys, pains, and sorrows, but those of others as well, especially their peers. Too often, they serve as de facto therapists for one another, forgoing homework or sleep in favor of working through a friend’s emotional difficulties. I have been told countless stories of suicidal teens claiming they would not be drawing breath were it not for a caring friend available to them in the middle of the night.
As a result, a striking number of kids say they want to do what I do as adults. They want to help others.
Of course, as much as this appears to be an encouraging phenomenon, it is challenging as well. I lean on five years of graduate school and endless hours of supervision to do this type of work effectively, and our kids are attempting to save the actual and emotional lives of their friends, on their own, often silently, with no training whatsoever. It can be an unreasonable, dangerous task for them to take on.
And I have worked with more than one child who served as a default counselor to a friend who has actually gone on to take his or her own life. And the ensuing guilt, that nagging question of whether he or she could have done something more to prevent the tragedy, does far more emotional damage than any child should ever have to bear.
You may wonder why our children talk to each other, especially when they feel emotions that may be life-threatening. I’ve asked a number of kids that very question, and the answers are unequivocal, and strikingly consistent. We parents are too often afraid of their fears, depression, and anxiety. Further, our kids are fully aware of our fear. So, they often go elsewhere. Shifting this dynamic is a crucial component of the parenting mandate here. Because children are not prepared to feel this degree of psychic pain, nor are they prepared to guide one another through it. So, we need to allay our own fears in order to be fully available to our children when they are in the fog or darkness of anxiety and depression.
When we feel that inclination to shrink away from our child, or that draw toward anger because they are presenting us with some powerful negative emotion we feel we cannot control, we need to turn directly toward them. We need them to know they can come to us when they feel their worst.
Though I do not blame social media for all of the difficulties our children are suffering through, it does provide a frighteningly consistent set of comparison points for our newly self-conscious kids:
“She’s better looking than I am.”
“He’s built better than
