me, and now I’m so scared of doing something wrong, I just freeze and need to be told exactly what do in order to feel like I’m not going to be fired. Despite this, I keep getting fired.
If you two would have just let me take some chances, I might not be the way I am today. Seeing you two fighting all the time has made me want to avoid all confrontations. I can’t have a successful relationship to save my life. Do you two even love each other? It seems like you both have to drink just to put up with each other. You set an awful example for me. I’m scared of men because of the relationship you two have.
Why couldn’t you two have just been normal? Why couldn’t you be loving parents who encouraged me to go out there and do my best? Instead, you made me feel like I was a failure if I got anything less than a B. I couldn’t be good enough for you, no matter what I did. Ugh, I wish I had had better parents, because if I had, I would be on Oprah right now sharing my successes.
A Disappointed Me
Blame
If this letter puts you into a spree of blaming all the people who wronged you, you have a front-row seat to how you got here. Becoming aware of where we point fingers and blame is the first step to breaking the cycle. We need to approach it by looking back with different eyes. Our first response may be to blame someone else, a situation, or ourselves, and many of us have been taught that this is natural. “Mommy, Michael hit me.” I won’t tell her that I threw a toy at his head first. Blaming has become a part of everyday politics, religion, friendships, intimate relationships, family dynamics, and overall life. The people we hurt most with blame are ourselves. When we hurt ourselves, even if it is unintentional, we will hurt others. We project the negative energy we carry inside.
•How do you feel when you are blaming someone else?
•Does it make you feel good?
•Does it feel like you are getting any closer to a solution by blaming them?
When we are stuck in a blame cycle, we are also stuck in a victim cycle. This is not to say we are never victims of unacceptable behavior, but the question is: are we choosing to live in victim mentality? Victim mentality is different than being a victim of actions taken against us. With victim mentality, we become victims of the world and everyone in it, including ourselves. We don’t look at our feelings, thoughts, and actions and how they contribute to the reality we are choosing to live in. When we keep the focus on us, we respond to negative situations in a healthier fashion. We stop pointing fingers and start coming up with solutions. When we question blame by asking what we learned from the experience, we shift the power from fear to love. How we got here was a lesson, nothing more, and nothing less. When we focus on blame, we haven’t learned the lesson. We are destined to repeat the lesson until we learn it, or die miserable.
This is not an invitation to self-blame. Self-blame is different from taking responsibility for our feelings, perspectives, and actions. Self-blame involves an abusive element. Self-blame is more destructive than blaming others. Taking personal responsibility shouldn’t turn into convincing yourself how much you suck. When we take personal responsibility for our part, we tell the Universe we are open to learning from experience.
Looking at our fears…
Dear God,
I’m a God-fearing woman. I serve you by serving my family, the less fortunate, and my church community. I live the life I’m told is acceptable to live. When I fail, I come and confess my failings. I know I’m not worthy of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. I do try to prove to you that I’m worthy of walking this Earth. I do and do and do for others, but God, I’m so tired. I don’t know what else I have to give. I keep feeling that, no matter what I do, it’s never enough to satisfy you and get me to Heaven. I’m afraid of facing you and hearing that I could have done more. I fear you will send me to the Devil for all my human failings.
A Fearful Me
Dear Partner,
I’m so scared you are going to leave me. One day you are going to figure out I’m not worthy of your love and you are going to find someone better out there. I feel like, if I’m not with you every second, you are going to find someone else. When you go out with your friends, I’m petrified you aren’t going to come back. Why are you even with me?
A Petrified Me
Dear Boss,
I really want to make you happy. You made an advance at me and I accepted because I really want to keep my job. I love this firm and I don’t want to go out and have to look for another job. I don’t feel comfortable with what happened, and I don’t feel good about myself for not speaking up. I’m so scared of losing my job. What if no one out there thinks I’m good enough? If I make you happy, will I be good enough for you to look at what I can do? I’m scared the answer is that now you will only see me as a piece of meat. I’m scared that all the work I’ve done to get where I am will mean nothing. How do I get you to see my worth?
A Concerned Me
Fear
Some of us have been living in fear as far back as we can remember. We feared what our fathers would do. We feared disappointing our mothers. We were taught to fear while learning new things. We were taught to fear the unknown, fear nature, fear people, and fear ourselves.
Many of us have been taught from a very young age to fear God (however you define the Creator). “I’m a God-fearing woman!” If as far back as we can remember we fear the one Being who is supposed to be the definition of love, how are we NOT supposed to live in fear of everything that comes our way? Fear keeps us all separate.
When we fear not being good enough, we do things to gain worth. We wonder why we fight to feel connected to the Divine. To fully connect to Source is a connection of love. If we are connecting to life through fear, we project fear. All the rage, anger, and hate stem from fear. If we fight for our own worth, we are fighting to see the worth in others. We judge, hate, and stand against someone else to distract us from looking at the very core of who we are, in fear of being unworthy and unlovable. Fear holds us back from seeing love.
Dig Deeper
Investigate your fears. Write your fears down so that you can look at them on paper. Question your perspectives to see if your fears are keeping you from attracting the life you want to be living.
•How many times have you blocked love, peace, joy, and tranquility out of fear?
•Did you not go somewhere?
•Did you not take a job?
•Did you not move?
•Did you sabotage a relationship?
•Did you stop someone you love from doing what would make them happy?
•Did you miss an opportunity to connect with a person because you had different political or religious beliefs?
•Did you judge someone for the color of their skin or the church they go to?
•Where has fear taken over in your life?
Trapped by attachments to titles…
Dear Self,
I’m failing as a mom. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get my kids to eat their vegetables. I can’t stand all the fighting over
