KEEPING YOUR HEART VISIBLE
Much to my surprise, Cynthia burst into tears the minute she sat down. As I quietly waited for her tears to subside, I mused about her, a woman I knew socially but had never seen as a client. To the outside world, Cynthia had it all—a successful career, a nice husband, good kids, and a beautiful house. Yet, she was crying as if her heart were broken. Turns out, it was.
As Cynthia's story unfolded, it became clear that she had not been happy in her marriage for several years but didn't understand why because nothing had changed, and everything was going smoothly. Shed run through all the chastisements we often flog ourselves with: stop feeling sorry for yourself, be grateful for what you have, your life is a cakewalk compared to so and so's. Berating herself heaped shame on top of unhappiness. A revealing self-guided meditation had led her to therapy.
In her visualization, Cynthia was comfortably seated in her home. She invited her inner wisdom to show her what was causing her discontent. One of her daughters appeared, and Cynthia noticed that her own heart began to ache and she saw it was bruised and battered. Not surprised, because she and her daughter had recently had a hurtful confrontation, she was able to heal her heart and forgive them both for their falling out. Another daughter, with whom she was close now after a painful past, came into her mind's eye, and Cynthia's heart began to bleed. This, too, was easily healed and forgiven. With her healed heart still visible, Cynthia sensed her husband approaching. When he appeared, her heart completely evaporated in a puff of gray smoke. In her head she heard, “My heart is invisible to him.” Much to her sorrow, she then heard, “And you've let it become invisible to you, also.”
It turned out that, though a wonderful man, Cynthia's husband was emotionally unavailable. An eternal optimist, she had held out hope he would change. The imagery helped her accept the fact that he probably would never be able to provide the emotional support for which she longed. After deeply grieving the loss of that dream, Cynthia decided she wanted to accept her husband as he was and enjoy what the relationship did offer—which was a lot, she assured me. A very strong woman, Cynthia vowed to take loving care of herself and carefully honor her own wants and needs. The other day, for the first time in several years, I saw her, and she is very happy. She has created a rich life surrounded by loving and available friends, has come to cherish her marriage as is, and compassionately cares for her heart daily.
During your day . . .
If your heart is anything less than content, spend some quiet time tuning in to what it is feeling and what it might want or need from you.
Keep an eye on your heart.
The heart knows the way. Run in that direction.
—RUMI
DRINKING FROM THE WELL
One of the most magical attributes you have is your imagination. And one of the most compassionate things you can do for yourself is to inspire, uplift, and soothe your spirit with it. Let's play with imagination now. If you are not a visual person, that's okay; just allow yourself to sense the experience. However your unique imagination works is great. Close your eyes, if you're in a safe place to do so, and imagine yourself sitting beside a well in a friendly and beautiful natural setting. If what you see or sense doesn't appeal to you, without any effort, allow that scene to fade and invite another to take its place. There's nothing to do but enjoy where you are and what you feel. Immerse yourself in the experience. Notice the sounds, the sights, and the essence of this gift from your imagination.
If you have a question, ask it and retrieve the answer from the well in whatever way occurs to you.
While I believe with all my heart that everything I want and need can be found within the wellspring of my own being, my mind often disagrees and, under its influence, I forget. Forgetting your internal well is easy, especially when you feel beleaguered, scared, ill, out of your depth with crises, or just plain exhausted. But, if you can remember—and find the time and quiet—to go to your inner well, it's usually refreshing and rejuvenating. I never know what my well will look like when I remember to retreat to it. Today's was under the sea—a first for me—and several dolphins were playing nearby. After asking my question, I didn't have time to get the answer from the well because a dolphin immediately popped up with a sign in her mouth that said, “YES!” I laughed because my rational mind had wondered how the hell I was going to get anything out of a well already submerged in water.
Visiting your well gives you the opportunity to be seen, heard, and held by your compassion-filled Higher Self.
During your day . . .
There is within you an overflowing well filled with the sweet nectar of Spirit. Treat yourself to a visit.
We are moving into a new paradigm, leaving the old structures behind. Where do we go for our guidance? I suggest to you that we have no place but our own well. We all have this well inside.
—MARION WOODMAN
ALTERING MISPERCEPTIONS
Interestingly, our strength and ability to love are both more dependable when augmented by self-compassion, yet many of us still carry the misperception that loving ourselves is selfish. My phone dictionary defines selfish as “devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.” Is that you? Nope, me neither.
You and I both understand that self-care and self-compassion are wise and healthy choices, but I bet you sometimes fear you're being selfish if you put yourself first. I know I do. But, thankfully, only rarely now that I've ripened into crone category. And, of course, at this age my responsibilities are a fraction of what they were when all four kids were home and both Gene and I were working. Sometimes we look at each other and say, “How did we do that?” One reason was we had each other, and I'm sure many of you reading do not have that luxury. However, memories of a four-year stint as a single mom with little money are branded on my psyche, so I know it's incredibly challenging.
It's time to give yourself a break and alter any misperceptions you may be harboring regarding self-compassion and self-care. Self-compassion and self-care are necessary, essential, crucial, vital. . . . They restore your energy, ground your strength, rest your weary body and mind, and refill the vessel of your being from which I'm sure you are more often serving others rather than yourself.
During your day . . .
Give self-compassion a shot. If you question whether an action or lack of action is selfish, imagine what you would tell a dear friend if she asked you about a similar decision.
Nourish best from overflow.
Self-care means giving the world the best of you instead of what is left of you.
—KATIE REED
BEING HERE, NOW
One of the best ways to practice self-compassion is being aware of where you
