For One Moment Only, give yourself a stimulation break.
STAYING IN THE MOMENT
Are you adept at spending most of your time in the moment, or do you wander off into what author Hugh Prather referred to as “rehearsing difficulties to come?” Most of us habitually spend our time reflecting on what happened in the past or fretting about what may occur in the future. Interestingly, fear loves to hang out in both the past and the future but is less comfortable in the here and now. Courage, on the other hand, almost always resides in the current moment. We can think about past courageous acts or imagine how we might be courageous in the future, but we are courageous moment by moment.
Given that reality, one of the best ways to tame fear is to live in the moment as much as possible. A friend of mine is terribly afraid of speaking in front of people. If she knows she will be making an announcement at church, she is fearful until the task is completed. If she's asked to speak on the spur of the moment, after the initial shock, she does just fine. In the moment, she has the courage and ability. In anticipation, she fears she doesn't have either.
Okay, living in the moment sounds great, but how do we actually do it? As with many, many things in life, awareness is the key. We need to be aware of where our thoughts are, which means we need to have the courage to live mindfully. If you become aware your thoughts have strayed into the past or are forging ahead into the future, you can consciously choose to bring your awareness back to this moment, back into the here and now.
We are only truly alive now. Yesterday's self is a memory and tomorrow's is a mystery.
During your day . . .
If you notice yourself feeling edgy or fearful, bring your attention into the here and now. Become aware of your surroundings, the temperature, what you can see, whether your body is sitting or standing. After a minute or two, return your attention to your feelings. Are they the same or maybe a little different?
Set an alarm on your phone for a few different times during the day. When it chimes, mindfully return to the present moment if you're not already there.
A few mindful moments make a world of difference.
3
PRACTICING
SELF-COMPASSION
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
—LUCILLE BALL
One thing I noticed in private practice was that most clients' wants and needs could be summarized in three short yearnings: See me. Hear me. Hold me. Sadly, there was also an occasional heart-breaking Protect me, especially in abuse and addiction situations. Tapping into the compassionate wisdom and intuitive power of your internal Sacred Feminine allows you to excel at seeing, hearing, and holding others. Your innate feminine energy knows how to recognize people as they are and long to be seen, recognize unspoken feelings between words, and offer genuine support and solace.
For most of us, being able to see, hear, and hold others comes pretty naturally, but offering the same compassionate attentiveness to ourselves is more elusive. Do you view yourself with understanding and gentle eyes? Can you listen to your thoughts and words with an honest and compassionate heart? Do you treat yourself in ways that promote balance and harmony in all four aspects of your being: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual? When hurting, are you able to soothe yourself as an affectionate and tender mother or friend would?
If you answered no to some or all of those questions, please know you are not alone. Many of us were taught that self-care and self-compassion were unacceptable and, in some cases, even sinful. The opposite is resoundingly true.
The better you know yourself, the more compassionate you can be with yourself. The more compassionate you are, the more secure and confident you feel. The more secure and self-confident you feel, the more energy you have to care for and about other people. Harsh self-judgment and reproach act as emotional samurai swords slicing gaping holes in your energy field and draining your life force. The richer your life-force account, the more effortlessly you can be present to yourself and others. Overflow-giving is healthier and more satisfying for both giver and receiver.
This chapter explores ways you can know yourself better and, in doing so, become your own compassionate friend and advocate. Since we have a lot to get done to make our personal lives happier and the world a better place, let's take Lucille Ball's advice: love ourselves first, and get crackin'!
UNDERSTANDING YOUR SENSITIVITY QUOTIENT
Years ago, as I was first reading Dr. Elaine Aron's The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, I would have burst into singing “Getting to Know You” from the King and I had I not been on a plane. Instead, I burst into tears.
All my life I'd harbored a secret belief that I was somehow fundamentally flawed. For as long as I could remember, I'd heard or said to myself: “You're too emotional. You're too persnickety about smells... sounds... crowds... criticism. What's wrong with you? Just ignore it like I do. You're too sensitive!” And here was a research psychologist, college professor, and psychotherapist, herself a highly sensitive person, or HSP, telling me I was neither crazy nor a bona fide bitch.
These two sentences from Dr. Aron's book were life changing and a profound relief to me: “Having a sensitive nervous system is normal, a basically neutral trait. You probably inherited it.” (Ah, so . . . that explains a lot about my family.) About 15 to 20 percent of the population falls in this category. However, those of you drawn to books like this are more likely to have HSP tendencies than the population as a whole. Characteristics of a highly sensitive nervous system are sensitivity, naturally, and overarousal from sensory and energetic stimuli of all kinds. What most people can ignore, HSPs are highly disturbed by, especially stimuli over which they have no control.
Since my dad described my largely sleepless infant self as “an eel with insomnia,” I imagine I came in as an HSP and, unless things change dramatically, will go out as one also. But, at least, I now have information that helps me understand myself more completely and, consequently, be a better friend to myself. Knowing about my nervous system sensitivity has helped my husband understand my responses also. Awareness has been good for both of us individually and for our marriage.
During your day . . .
If you suspect you, or someone you care about, may be highly sensitive, you can find Dr. Aron's simple diagnostic test at hsperson.com/test.
Getting to know you definitely helps getting to like you.
Seeing yourself as you truly are is essential for understanding your idiosyncrasies.
