I was either on the path to marriage, or I was in the friend zone. To a degree, he was right. I put everyone into a category immediately and there was no gray area. So I started going out on dates—some with girls who were truly friends and some romantic dates. I was practicing and gathering information on what it was that I wanted. Soon it became easier for me to go beyond first impressions and see the person that was really there in front of me.
Dating is important in the process of finding love. It’s up to you to decide if you feel comfortable dating one person at a time or multiple people simultaneously. If dating multiple people at once is within your comfort zone, it can be a great way to compare people in real time. A relationship coach named Pat Allen suggests that if you date one person, the pressure is on: it’s all or nothing. With two people it’s either/or. By dating three people at once, there’s diversification, which is good for business and allows you to compare prospective partners in real time. Dating multiple people simultaneously requires a lot of honesty with you and with others. What are the rules? What’s in bounds? What’s off limits? How do you communicate enough to be respectful, but not so much that you feel like you’re divulging too much information for everyone’s comfort? It can be a tricky balance.
Everyone is going to create their own list of guidelines based on what makes them feel comfortable, but the key thing is to use consideration for another person’s feelings. If you were the other person, what would you appreciate hearing about what you are doing?
Perhaps you will tell the other person that you are dating right now. You may decide to date a few people but without involving sex. That doesn’t mean you can’t have sex if you want to, but the general common knowledge is that sex complicates things. Obviously, as soon as something changes for you and you want to make a commitment with someone, communicate your desire and hopefully they feel the same way. If everyone involved has clear ideas of what they are agreeing to, then it can make for easier waters to navigate.
If you’re with one person and you think they’re fantastic and could be the one for you, it doesn’t mean you need to force yourself to go out with other people. You don’t have to torture yourself. Some people might have their head spin if they date more than one person at a time. Only you can know what works for you. If your tendency has been one way and it doesn’t seem to be working, perhaps you might try taking a different approach. See how it feels.
Put It On Display
It’s important to be aware of what you are selling. This helps people understand what agreements you are inviting them into. Do you want to get married? Have a long-term committed relationship? Have a fling? Have several flings? At their core, relationships come down to agreements between two people. I would like to make this agreement with you; are you willing? The main way people become frustrated is if they think they have an understanding of what you want, and then come to understand that you actually want something different. You might feel nervous about stating the truth so quickly into your relationship. You may have to risk being judged for what you want or rejected because you aren’t on the same page. With the person you are meant to be with, it won’t matter. Even if it comes out clumsy, it’s important to know and share the truth. It will come out at some point, and you can save a lot of time, money and heartache with being clear about your intentions up front.
The second way that this comes into play is with your physical attributes. Some people are self-conscious about their bodies, so they want to hide in some way. Others might like certain aspects of themselves, but want to distract from other aspects. This is normal. We want to be liked; we don’t want to be rejected. But if you are selling friendship, then you will attract opportunities for friends. And if you want romance, part of it is allowing the other person to really see you to decide if they like what they see.
One client told me that she liked her body, but didn’t want to be with someone if that was that was the only thing they were interested in. To her, somehow having someone interested in her physically implied that they were shallow and couldn’t also respect her mind, her dreams or her feelings. We discussed her ultimate goal as being with someone who liked her on all levels. I asked her if she was willing to consider that by hiding, she might be putting out a confusing signal. She considered how she could envision a win-win partnership that included physical attraction, but that it wasn’t the only factor in the relationship. She found an outfit that made her feel good in her skin, that showed off her body in a way that she felt comfortable with. The very next night, she got attention from some girl friends wanting to know why she was dressed this way (they weren’t used to it, but they liked it) and several guys who paid attention to her throughout the evening. She called me the next day incredibly excited. Putting herself out there made it easier for people to see her in a romantic way.
S.E.X.= Sacred Energy eXchange
My teacher Yasuhiko used to refer to sex as a sacred energy exchange, and it’s important to be careful who you choose to exchange energy with. As it turns out, there may be scientific rationale behind this concept. A book called the Secret Life of Plants by Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird was written about the controversial work of Cleve Backster, who founded the CIA’s polygraph unit after World War II.
Backster’s work focused on the subject of biocommunication, in which he experimented with the effect that human consciousness had on plants. The phenomena is now known as the Backster Effect. Backster hooked up the leads of a lie detector to thousands of plants. He went on to attach the leads to cells including those of amoeba, yeast, mold, blood and sperm. What he discovered is that there is a communication system between thoughts and these cells. The most surprising discovery was that this affect could be produced over distance, which explains why twins have been known to feel what their sibling is feeling at the same moment, even if they are far away. Their cells are literally in communication with each other.
More on sex
Everyone has urges, but they don’t always reflect our deeper wisdom or knowing what is best for our highest good. If you feel connected with someone and it feels right, then celebrate that connection, but know that regardless of your intentions and communication that it will very likely change things for you both. It may change things for better or for worse. It might make one of you more attached. It might change how you feel about the other people you are dating. Some people say that sex clouds their thinking and the way they perceive the other person. The invitation is to put some space between you and the decision to act on your urge. See if a little restraint ends up giving you more clarity and perspective. Maybe just make out a little and trust that if the connection is strong, it will be there the next time you see them.
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