Your Words Give You Away
I have a dear friend who several years ago was diagnosed with a severely advanced form of cancer. She went through several rounds of chemo, lost all of her hair and spent her entire savings (and then some) going through treatment. She rehabilitated by getting regular acupuncture, changing her diet and taking a steady regimen of Chinese herbs. Today she is cancer free. It is miraculous to see and she is an inspiration to many.
When I first met her, it was rare to go through a conversation or a meal without her telling a story that started with “when I had cancer” or “having been through cancer” or “the people who helped me through cancer.” It is truly a miracle that she is still with us. I admire her spirit, her friendship and everything she has taught me. In this case, she has demonstrated how parts of our story may be the lens through which we see everything in our lives.
I can tell a lot about a client from the way they talk about themselves, the important people in their life and their circumstances. I can tell if they are positive or negative, if they are hopeful or resigned and if they are telling themselves an old story of past pain.
I have clients who speak about wanting to find love, but the second they talk about the men in their life, their whole energy changes. I hear a new tone or see body language, but most of all hear negative words about how evil their ex was. Their words indicate that they are still incredibly angry or resentful or both. And even though these people didn’t feel angry, they were still upset at something that had happened that they were unwilling or unable to understand, accept or forgive. Unresolved feelings toward an ex or parent can create an energetic barrier to receiving love from someone new.
Watch Your Language
How you talk to yourself is immensely important. Words are very powerful. They help us create the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. These stories can help us feel empowered and confident, or foolish and unlovable. As my dear friend and acting coach Warner Loughlin likes to say, “Choice affects perception and perception affects choice.” We have a choice in how to perceive things. Through our change in perception, we may change the opportunities that present themselves.
Perhaps you notice certain words you use to describe yourself or your current circumstances. For example, there’s a difference between feeling lonely and being alone. Loneliness implies some sort of lack. Perhaps a lack of connection to another person, to the community we are in, or to our own source. In this way, feeling loneliness becomes more of a burden. The invitation is to shift your perspective and to re-empower yourself.
The implication of feeling lonely is I’m alone and I have no choice.
Is there a way to rethink this by deciding that it is a choice? Try to experience what it feels like to say I’m choosing to be alone because, at the moment, there’s no one I want to be with. Even if you are trying to get over someone, there’s a difference between confidently knowing that the universe has your back and choosing to believe a disempowering story like I couldn’t go on a date even if I wanted to, or nobody likes me.
This ties in perfectly with co-dependency. If someone isn’t comfortable being alone, they are likely to attract another lonely person instead of a whole, integrated person choosing to be with a whole, integrated person. The loneliness feeling might be a precursor to self-sabotaging behavior—whether it’s eating your way out of it, giving all of your power away, sleeping around or dating people you know are wrong for you.
So how do we break these patterns? Some people say a mantra to reconnect them to the source of their power and confidence. Others work at gathering evidence that they aren’t alone by focusing on what they do have in their lives instead of what they don’t have. In their case, it is changing a story about separateness, which ultimately is an illusion.
Whatever you think or say after the words “I AM…”is very powerful. See if you can change the story you tell yourself about yourself and the world around you will begin to change. I, myself, have experienced this. A few years ago, I noticed that whenever anyone would ask me how I was doing, I replied, “I’m OK. I’m not bad.” That answer seemed to be socially acceptable. The conversation didn’t last very long, and nobody got uncomfortable. Then I noticed that a friend of mine would answer that question with “I’m wonderful!” It made me wonder which created which? Did saying “I’m wonderful” create the day that way?
From then on, my reply to that question—on purpose—became “I’m wonderful! I’m excellent. Things are amazing.” As soon as I started doing that, I noticed the parts of my life that already were those things, and by saying “I’m wonderful” or “I’m excellent,” it usually directed my day toward having a wonderful experience.
Invite Love Into Your Life
Be your own best partner. Be willing to take yourself on a date, even if you’re with friends. Go to the restaurants you might like to go on a date. Toast as if you are celebrating the love in your life. Put yourself in the environment of romance—watch your favorite romantic comedies, read poetry about love. Do what feels good to you.
Be aware of what you are putting out there. Are you putting out a vibration that is magnetic and drawing people in, or repelling and pushing people away? Think about someone who feels hopeless, lonely or bitter. Does that make you feel more drawn to them or pushed away?
Create an inner environment of hope, positivity and feeling good. Get a massage. Do Yoga. Play basketball or take Jiu Jitsu. Do things that make you feel good in your skin, feel good physically or feel confident. All of those things make you more magnetic.
Know what you want so you can articulate it to others. If you don’t know what you like, go explore. Try bringing yourself fresh flowers from the farmer’s market. Look at different types, smell them, get to know their names and meanings and then see how they feel in your house. A client in one of my You Can Have It All workshops told me that the number one thing she wanted in her life was a relationship. I gave her this task—buying flowers for herself every week until someone else took over the job. Within a month, she started dating someone who did take over the job, and she is still dating him now.
You need to be able to articulate your needs and desires to someone when you’re in a relationship, so start gathering information now so you can be prepared.
Realize That Passion and Romance Are On the Way
I know we would all like to have evidence that things are happening, but it never seems to work like that. We never seem to have absolute certainty before we act. That’s what a leap of faith is all about—we act and trust that the evidence will come later. You would never dig up the seeds you plant in your garden each night to see if they are growing. We must do our actions and then endure the unknown period between action and result.
One way to help with the in-between stage is to go inside and recognize that what you’re manifesting is already on its way. Imagine someone emails you an attachment and you start to download it. You watch the progress bar and wait …1%, 30%, 75%. It’s on its way, but watching the progress bar doesn’t make it happen any faster. There’s no way to see the “progress bar” when it comes to love, but you can start to notice little changes as your relationship “downloads.”
Notice how people are responding to you in the world. Maybe someone notices something different about you, or you catch someone giving you a lingering look, or someone pays you an unexpected compliment. These are all signs that your inner seeds are taking root and sprouting. Your inner magnet is turned on, and it’s only a matter of time before the evidence of a relationship comes into your experience.
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